


Love (You)

by Gladius_of_Strata, rosepetalsforpaper



Series: Daylight Saga [2]
Category: Yoroiden Samurai Troopers | Ronin Warriors
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Aromantic, Aromantic love story, Attempted Seduction, Bisexual Character, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Mutual Pining, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Platonic Life Partners, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Romance, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Self-Insert, Slow Burn, Team as Family, Trust Issues, it takes them over 250k to get together, they actually get together in this one, this is 60k of pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2020-04-23 14:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 59,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19153084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gladius_of_Strata/pseuds/Gladius_of_Strata, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosepetalsforpaper/pseuds/rosepetalsforpaper
Summary: It's difficult for the Ronin to return to normal lives with trial proceedings under way...and other business from the previous summer left unattended. Like how Sage and Alexa have yet to get together. Each have their own checkered history that make a relationship dangerous—but as Tessa and Rowen keep pointing out, that's simply what makes them all the more likely to heal together





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to the next instalment of our Ronin Warriors series the Daylight Saga! This is the sequel to From Dawn to Dusk (although not part of the main trilogy). You don't have to read that one to understand this story, but it provides most of the background context and introduces the two primary point of view characters, so having read that would probably be helpful.
> 
> This is a story about healing from bad exes. There is reference to non-con all throughout the story. Very little of the actual non-con is shown on screen, but if heavy discussion of it occurs. 
> 
> We will let individual readers decide if this is a deal breaker for them. Hence, choosing not to use archive warnings. The first two chapters are by far the worst, so if you want to skip them, there will be summaries at the end as per usual.
> 
> Tw: emotional abuse, dubcon kissing, attempted sexual assault, breakups

_Who do you love?_

—A—

“Do you need me to call a cab?” I asked my date, already fishing my phone out of my purse.

She leaned on me, alcohol on her breath. “Or I could just go to your place.”

I smiled my stripper smile, the one I pulled out when guys made me nervous but confronting them was a godawful idea. “I really want to get to know you better before bringing you over to my place.”

She pouted. “C’mon, it’s just for a night… I can keep helping you make up your mind.”

My skin crawled at the thought, the feeling originating from my lips where she had just kissed me. “Maybe after a few more dates.”

 _Just stick to the stripper script._ It worked to get money. It would work to get out of danger. Even if I wasn't completely sure I was in danger.

She pouted. “I don’t even know when I can see you again.”

I laughed, looking up cab numbers already. “We can figure it out tomorrow. You’re too drunk right now.”

“I’m not too drunk to make plans!” she protested, arm going around my waist. “Besides, I wanna massage out that hip injury…”

Dialing the cab company provided a _perfect_ excuse to not respond to that. Dais’ presence nearby let me know I would have a ready-made escape of ‘a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile’ should I need it.

I consistently dodged her questions around when she could see me again to help make up my mind the whole time we waited for the cab, before practically shoving her into the back seat.

She held the door open. “I’m sorry if I hurt you!”

I smiled and backed away, and waited till she was out of sight before heading to the bus.

Dais popped up beside me. “I take it that has made up your mind?”

I sighed and itched to message the group chat to not stretch telepathy after a night of mental gymnastics. But it was way too cold to pull out my phone, and I had spent all day trying to keep up with her social rules. So, in a way, I had to keep talking. “Not in the way you’re thinking, but definitely never wanting to see her again.”

“And what was I thinking?”

“That it makes up my mind about Sage.”

The Warlords had been the _most_ obvious about their setup plans, ever since my suicide attempt. Ever since I’d seen him via their visits once, before, or they’d noticed me locked in my room video chatting with him while they cooked. Or the amount I messaged him going home from the club.

I didn’t want _him_ as my boyfriend. I wanted somebody close and better known and not wrapped up in magical doings and not so nice it _had_ to be a front. Somebody who could tell me to jump and I’d have to ask how high if I wanted to keep the trial paid for, even if I was getting closer to being able to afford it on my own.

Wanting an escape from Dais’ potential line of questioning, I tapped into my sister’s much closer, much stronger connection to have a release. _“I think I dodged a bullet.”_

 _“So I take it your date didn't go well.”_ It was not a question.

I tried to pull out a summary of what had just happened. I did not want to get into a play by play. It had already repressed in my mind, _without_ Dais’ help, which boded absolutely terribly. _“She insisted on coming home with me after dinner. I basically had to strong-arm her into a cab to get her away.”_

 _“...Seriously?”_ she responded, partially in disbelief, partially in concern.

That was tapping into the first emotion directly under the surface. Revulsion. _“She knew I was just on this date to make up my mind, and we’d kissed to help me make up my mind, and I really didn’t like it so she doubled down on ‘helping me’ when I’d already decided I didn’t want to see her. It was like dealing with guys at the club.”_

_“Ew. Are you ok?”_

That was a question I didn’t want to answer. _“‘M with Dais. I’m glad I was sober, to be honest. She drank like a third of a bottle of wine.”_

Dawn rushed forward to comfort me, but something was holding back. _“...I want to say “hold on I'll be right there” but do you want me there?”_

I paused, waiting for the bus. Dais stood at my shoulder, also protective but restrained. He wasn’t managing my emotions at all. They were giving me room to say no. Not making any choices for me. Giving me space. After I had nearly lost it.  Been coerced into making another person’s choices. My mouth dried at the thought. _“I think I was more scared than I thought and I don’t know if I want you here or not.”_

 _“That's valid.”_ She gave me a telepathic hug to take any sting of rejection out. _“I'm here if you need me. Just say the word.”_

I was quiet for a bit, waiting for the bus at 10 pm after the routes had changed and the concept of a frequent schedule didn’t exist. _“Once I get on the bus and am able to type it out to the guys I think I’ll be able to make up my mind. It’s too cold to think clearly right now.”_

She saw right through my attempt to laugh off the joke, responding seriously. _“Ok. I love you; it'll be ok.”_

I didn’t want to keep thinking about it in the meantime. _“The ice sculptures were really pretty. In a way I’m glad it’s so cold because all the detail’s been preserved.”_

 _“I hope you got pictures,”_ she responded warmly.

I kept chatting along those lines until the bus showed up, allowing me to get on in the heated space and take off my mittens to check my phone, nearly half an hour after I had come up. Notifications abounded, with an astounding twenty from her.

I took one look at her conversation and sighed, ignoring her in favour of the Ronin. Ryo had dropped a message to let them know when I was finished, all of them wanting to make sure I was okay.

It _was_ nice to know they were watching out for me, as much as I wanted to shy away from any thought it hadn’t gone well, let alone had gone so badly they felt the _need_ to check up on me. Being checked on still made me feel like I was in trouble. I didn’t want to be in trouble. I knew I had been. I didn’t want it to be worse.

I hadn’t even been aware what I’d broadcast—or maybe it had been the total lack of impressions that tipped them off. ‘I didn’t enjoy my date and now she’s trying to guilt me into seeing her again. Should I just block or try to explain everything wrong with her attitude?’

Thinking about trying to explain what she’d done got me irritated. And when irritation met with fear, I developed a desire to lash out. She was making herself a worthwhile target. I was worried that if the others said something that tripped me, _they_ would get it instead. At least with her, she’d have earned it, instead of just receiving pent up frustrations.

Tessa was, as expected, the first to respond. ‘I mean, if you're not gonna go out with her, it's usually courteous to offer that closure instead of vanishing. But you don't have to and if she presses you after that you have no obligations.’

Cye was the next to respond, not having gotten any of the details. ‘What’s she saying?’

I just screenshotted her conversation, only bothering to read it once I was in the safety of the group chat. Her words were absolutely icy. ‘it really hurts you’re acting like you don’t want to see me after a date. You should’ve communicated better about what was upsetting you instead of just pushing me into the cab. If we’re supposed to be dating then we’re supposed to have proper communication.’

Dawn’s irritation rivaled mine. ‘...I'm pretty sure you said something. Also she was drunk sooooo’

Sage was quick to respond, Halo reaching out to me in comfort. ‘Even if you didn’t say anything, expecting somebody to immediately communicate everything that bothers them is unrealistic.’

I only realized I needed comfort when everyone started piling on. The hollowness of the interaction. The way I had been constantly trying to please her. The way she had gotten colder and colder as I broke her rules until she decided she wanted to get my address, something I hadn’t given away to a single person in the city out of fear.

Their comfort told me she had been wrong.

Now with them bolstering me, I went to respond to her. ‘It really hurts that you ignored my boundaries when I expressed them, and tried to push me into letting you continue so you could try and change my mind instead of letting me process.’

Once I’d copied that to the group, Kento was the one who piped up. ‘Geeze, what’d she do?’

I wanted to vanish into the seat. Dais put a hand on my shoulder to let me know she was gone; it comforted me enough I could reply, ‘Kissed me multiple times and wanted to come to my place to help work out an injury I got dancing after I said no’

‘...Oh *fuck* no,’ Tessa snapped.

Wildfire was angry enough I could feel the potency of his emotions. ‘*What*?’

Sage, on the other hand, took a different direction. He was more scared than angry. ‘Did she hurt you?’

‘Physically? No,’ I responded. ‘But I was afraid she would…’

My imagination was starting to run off with me. I reached back out to Dawn. _“I think I want you here.”_

 _“Dais?”_ she asked my companion.

He gave a sense of a headshake. _“Cale would also fit into your school remarkably well.”_

Him not wanting to leave me brought me some comfort.

_“Works for me.”_

We were nearly home, anyway. I put mittens back on and trudged back in the snow. Tessa would be waiting in my apartment, and it was easy to pick up my pace to get inside just from that alone. Even if the freezing cold made me want to lock up and just collapse in the street from how dangerous it felt.

The heat walking into my apartment was oppressing, staying like a stifling layer over my frozen body instead of penetrating deep down. It was enough I wanted to collapse and panic for a totally different reason.

As soon as I got my coat and boots off, Tessa was hugging me. Tightly. Tight enough I knew I could fall apart and be safe. I didn’t know if I could, for how this touch was making it difficult for my ribs to expand.

After a long moment, she tugged me to the living room.

I shook my head and started pulling back. “Lemme take my makeup off first…”

She waited for me on the couch while I did that. While I was at it, I went to change out of my date night outfit. It felt almost impossible for me not to be sexy, and even though I knew it wasn’t the person’s fault, my low cut top and rather prominent cleavage made it hard to believe that. At least getting back into my normal clothes let me regulate my temperature again.

Looking at her on the couch revealed an oversized sweatshirt that came from Rowen, and the reason I had gone out on a date hit me like a ton of bricks. She had company she had a future she wouldn’t be alone and here that possibility was ripped away from me. I collapsed beside her, clung, and _cried_ , feeling all the loss of not having a relationship when she did.

I ignored it. Thoroughly. I didn’t want to admit I was jealous to the point of wanting to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to her. “I’m so glad I’m a stripper. Same scripts worked.”

She rubbed my back, encouraging me to continue.

As much as I didn’t want to continue along these lines, my mouth betrayed me. “I’ve been around drunk people before. I was _fine_ at Sage’s party. I work at a _strip club_ where everyone is drunk. But _her_.” Tension crept up my back, shoulders bunching involuntarily. “We went out to look at the sculptures and she kept comparing me to them, how I was so much prettier than those things, and she kept asking me over and over if I was sure I’d be fine eating dinner where we went and I said yeah it was okay I’d picked the place, then she… wanted to have me take a drink? So she wouldn’t be the only one drinking? Felt it was rude? And I said I was fine and now I’m wondering if I would’ve been able to say no had I…”

I couldn’t finish that sentence.

My mind was already spinning off in the direction of what could’ve— _would’ve_ happened had I not been able to say no.

She held me close, hand continuing up and down my spine. “You're allowed to establish boundaries _you're_ comfortable with, that are in line with _your_ principles.”

I laughed. Softly. Darkly. “I’m glad I didn’t tell her I was a stripper. I broached the concept of who’s probably working on nights like tonight and she said she was interested in stripping until she found out what was involved… I just said it was a friend who told me for a character.”

Which _was_ true. I did have friends who were strippers, who had helped me with writing, and had helped me get in the game in real life. Tessa was my bubble of people who were alright with it; she was the only person who I’d met in meatspace who knew. Because I knew how disliked sex workers were.

This woman was proof positive why I’d kept it under wraps.

I didn’t want to date anyone who hated what I did for a living.

I could hate myself over the hypocrisy over what I felt about Tessa’s career later. I comforted myself with knowing I’d never bring it up.

In the time I’d been thinking, my sister had paused. “...Yeah that would have been even _worse_.”

My phone had vibrated once, and I’d ignored it. Now that I was trying to ignore _other_ obsessions along how as long as I didn’t tell Sage I would never have to face his feelings about it, I finally had the courage to see what she had said.

The message in a purple chat bubble made me feel things I couldn’t name. But the low-grade nausea that had sabotaged my attempts to eat dinner was getting far, far, _far_ worse.

‘It sounds like you’re accusing me of assault.’

I blinked at that, going back to the group text to sort my head out. And not throw up. ‘Is… what she did assault?’

I had barely even moved my thumb away from the send key before Sage responded with, ‘Yes.’

Tessa agreed with him.

I registered Halo only when Dawn’s protectiveness kicked in. There was worry and concern and anger all laced through the normally calm facade, all emotions I felt like I should have but… didn’t. Which I knew was a bad sign. Both Sage and Tessa were angry. Both were protective. Sage was more worried, Halo a net to catch me if I wanted to freefall into my emotions.

But… that meant registering what had happened.

I returned to her conversation, feeling both too unsure about this and too bold to be laying it out so _plainly_. But talking gave me an excuse to at least try and disconnect from the others. ‘Well… you kinda pushed me to doing touching I didn’t want, so… that’s. Assault.’

I ran back to the connection as soon as her next message came through.

‘I did *not* assault you and I apologized before getting in the cab.’

My mind was starting to race. Dawn insisted she had, working her way between my PTSD insisting that no it was my fault I should take the apology and my own feelings of wanting to never see her again. I licked my lips. ‘An apology doesn’t erase that you *did*’

‘If you’re going to accuse me of this we’re done.’

‘If you’re going to ignore responsibility we’re done’

I didn’t know if the speed at which I had snapped that out was worth it. Especially with her next line.

‘Don’t put this all on me, you’re the one who made me upset.’

I went to the block button instead of dignifying that with a response. Once her conversation was archived—and I’d blocked her everywhere else in a mad rush of overwhelming terror— I collapsed into the couch. “Thank god she doesn’t know my address.”

Tessa tucked me against her, Dawn back to being soft and comforting and helping me regulate my overheating body. “Even if she did I swear if she tried _anything_ …”

“She would have _us_ to contend with,” Dais continued from my door. Now Summer _did_ help regulate my emotions, allowing my illness to be a much smaller voice. I could just _feel_.

As much as I hated everything I was feeling, for how it boiled down to terror so hard I was shaking and relief so intense I could breathe again.

The group chat notification filled my screen. Ryo had gotten to asking first, but the others all having read it indicated they were waiting by their phones. Actually paying attention to the connection revealed they were all waiting there, too. ‘You okay?’

I managed a half smile at their question. And the feeling of safety that had radiated from all of them when they decided I would never be afraid of a person again. ‘I blocked her, so. Should give you an idea.’

‘How are you feeling?’ Rowen, of all people, asked at what should’ve been nine in the morning over there.

I blinked at his message. ‘Surprised you’re awake before noon.’

‘Someone was making a racket outside,’ he responded, Strata dismissive. ‘What'd I miss?’

Retelling the story was oddly comforting. I watched the details change as a detached observer, almost, parsing out what was different this time.’The girl I went on a date with decided that we just had to kiss to see if there was any spark there, got mad I told her that her wanting to come to my place to massage me was assault, and I blocked her. At least dinner was good and Winterlude was nice.’

‘You're ok, I take it?’

‘Yeah, yeah, physically I’m fine. I don’t know about emotionally.’ The guys were all hovering to make sure I was okay without crowding around. I didn’t want to comfort them, but I also didn’t know if I wanted to break— and if I did, how I wanted to. I’d gotten my shaking under control to type, but it was threatening to come back in full, roaring force. ‘I think I’m just going to go quiet for a bit…’

Strata laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. ‘We’re all here for you, when you're ready’

‘Thanks.’

I lay there in my sister’s arms, Blackie jumping up on the bed and purring as I tried to figure out what the fuck had just happened. But the only thing I could do was sob.

I wanted to talk. I wanted to put words and names and compartments and just generally move on from this. My emotions wouldn’t let me. They pulled out every bit of terror from my mom hurting me and snide conversations over dinner and forced outings and—

Halo caught me in my freefall, carefully easing me back up to Dawn’s grip.

Both of them radiated it was okay to keep crying.

All I could do was listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alexa goes on a bad date that results in a relationship ending, with Tessa and Sage comforting her


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second chapter heavily discussing the aftermath of an attempted rape. Summary at the bottom
> 
> tw: past attempted rape, past drugging, smoking, alcoholism implied

—~—

Once Kure was back in Akatsuki's embrace, Sage pushed his university books aside, rested his head in his hands, and focused on Tenku wrapped around him. Memories of that night threatened to strangle him, despite over a year having passed. The fact it was February didn’t help in the slightest, the turn of the calendar marking a decline in his mental health that would last until spring took hold again.

The fact this was his first February seeing Cale since the War didn’t help the reactivity of his emotions.

If he was honest with himself, it _felt_ like his second. Five years after the War he had tried to change the dynamic between his memories and reality. Dating someone with that dangerously aggressive streak Cale had exhibited, Sage trying to tell himself he was safe. But Itsurō had ended up closer to the Mashou of Darkness than the Cale in Alexa’s life was.

He hated himself, that a purely mortal man had impacted him just as much as a mashou. A mortal man playing _unfairly_ , but a mortal man nonetheless. At least with Cale, he had lost purely from a power difference. That felt reasonable, after… _him_. After Itsurō had tried to claim ownership of him with drugs and alcohol and charm.

And maybe, more than his hatred of being impacted, he hated he had ignored his own instincts about the situation.

His emotions had been strong enough to wake Rowen up involuntarily. Not like Rowen needed much prompting when it was winter, for how he monitored the yoroi connection for distress. Monitored Kourin for distress. But the thought of having woken up his friend in the middle of exam season still created nagging guilt.

He took a shuddering breath, Kourin reaching to grip Tenku like he had so many nights. _“I hadn’t meant to wake you.”_

_“I would rather be woken from a coma than leave you like this.”_

That just reminded him what she had been through. What _he_ had been through. _“At least she wasn’t drugged.”_

_“That’s some comfort…”_

He shuddered, ghostly impressions purely in his memory sliding over his skin. _“But she was kissed._ Touched _…”_

The arm around his shoulder. The firm grip on his wrist that only Kourin gave him the strength to resist. Pushing him away but never far enough, never hard enough, always stumbling with the motions so Itsurō always had an excuse to return, ignoring every last _no_ until Rowen physically stopped him.

Strata reached out to brush away the sensations like he had before. _“And she will heal, too, with time. You both will.”_

Time hadn’t healed anything. He still felt like it had happened yesterday, for how his muscles tensed and relaxed like he _should_ run but _couldn’t_. Fighting his own instincts. Trying to push himself to heal from Cale and just creating a new, in many ways worse, broken bone. The War had been an event he had been able to seal away. Drugging could happen to anyone.

He knew what healing from trauma had involved, and he’d stubbornly refused to take the first steps in that direction for this. _“That would require me going through the healing process.”_

 _“No time like the present. There’s no hurry, though—this needs to be at your pace, when you’re ready.”_ Rowen paused. _“But, if you think it’d help her now…”_

He shook his head, the weight of his memories pressing on his shoulders like a two hundred and fifty kilo weight. _“I don’t know if it would help her or help myself.”_

_“‘Both’ is a viable answer.”_

The others _hovering_ just made the rest of Sage’s resolve crumble. He hid behind Rowen’s shield like a coward, unable to face telling them what had happened to him. What he had done to himself. He hadn’t taken precautions he hadn’t watched his drink he hadn’t brought a friend. He’d been too proud to think he could be hurt again. He deserved the repercussions.

If he were comforting Alexa, he’d say it wasn’t her fault. She had simply caught the eye of a predator she had been too exhausted to fend off. Inevitable, in a way. The reason you kept trusted friends close enough to step in when you needed them. To himself those words sounded alien, too many places he could’ve changed the course of the night running through his mind.

Before Rowen could ask what to tell them, he said, _“I’ll tell them later.”_

 _“Do you want to wait to tell Alexa, too?”_ Rowen responded gently, not an ounce of pressure in Tenku.

 _“She’s too fragile to handle it, anyway,”_ he muttered, dodging the question. His anger at the situation, at still being upset over this, turned to expressing a desire he’d been nursing for at least the past six months. _“I almost wish he’d raped me.”_

A flare of worry escaped Rowen’s shields. _“...To what purpose?”_

He stood from his desk, nearly causing his chair to tip over from the violence in the movement. _“I could stop being in_ limbo _. I already imagine what would’ve happened, what it must’ve felt like. At least then I could… tell myself it had happened. I could stop feeling like I shouldn’t be so upset over a simple drugging.”_

The blackmail would exist. A power dynamic that would have lasted months, while he was surveyed. His involvement would’ve been exposed, reputation ruined for years. But it would have been solid, empirical evidence it had happened.

Tenku wrapped around his shoulders like a heavy blanket, forcing the sparks Kourin was emitting down into a smaller space. _“You’re allowed to be upset about it. Someone violated your boundaries even if they didn’t complete their plans. You were_ drugged _without your consent and that is enough. And it’s especially scary for us because not only was that enough to actually affect you, but what might have happened if you lost control? If Kourin had manifested? You are_ right _to be upset about this, as upset as Alexa is about what just happened to her even though she was also able to avoid a worse encounter, same as you were.”_

Lightning arced in a struggle between shields and electricity. The memories wouldn’t stop coming, cotton balls of static that robbed him of the clarity he valued. At least it happening would be an end. At least it happening would be solid ground. _“I just want it to be over.”_

 _“I think it can be—but that requires sharing it.”_ He paused when Sage’s anger at that concept temporarily overwhelmed Kourin. _“You can’t heal poison without purging it, which in this case means taking it outside yourself. And I don’t think you can only share it with me, because I was there. I’m part of that memory. It has to be someone else.”_

Tenku indicated the others, and the girls. People both of them knew Sage could trust. But even despite Kento’s change of heart over the years, telling the others about something that had happened with a man felt… overwhelming. He kept that part of his life segregated for a reason. He didn’t want to find out their opinion had changed again.

All he could hear was Ojiisama’s friends all discussing how same sex attraction was best kept behind closed doors. It was acceptable, yes, but only for pure desire. Relationships with men were for lust first, politics second, a relationship never. Duty demanded a wife. Family bloodlines demanded a wife. Masamune himself had taught that.

He was too much of a Date for his own good.

Sage sat back down at his desk, taking deep breaths now that the initial wash of flashbacks had passed. Alcohol would help numb it. Smoking would help numb it. A drink in this state was asking for trouble, him isolating and alone out of fear of another attempt—which meant asking Rowen to come, as per their pact as teenagers. Which meant going to a bar in the evening with only two people for the first time in a year. Which meant spending more time watching his drink than talking.

He wanted to be alone right now. He wanted to be away from a bar right now. _“I’ll tell them once I’ve taken a break to calm down. An extra set of kata won’t hurt.”_

That gave him over an hour to be by himself.

_“Alright. Remember to take care of yourself, Sensei.”_

He smiled despite himself. _“That’s what I have you for.”_

Rowen smiled back, withdrawing with the others to leave Sage to ‘kendo.’ Instead, Sage grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lighter hidden in his underwear drawer, pocketed them along with his wallet, and went into the city.

He was barely off the property before he’d lit one, warm glow of the fire near his nose before the smoke filled his mouth. For how public his life was, a few secrets were to be expected, even from his friends.

He’d healed by not keeping secrets. But after Yūsei, after… his public life lost him one person, he wanted to prove to himself he could keep secrets. Keep _distance_. Keep his friends from getting wrapped up in a world of social favours and possession and appearances that had to be maintained.

Did he even count as out, anymore? As much as those around him thought he had a boyfriend, he had let those rumours die as much as he could. He had lost his pride in his identity, now that he had failed up to live to Masamune’s legacy again.

Besides, it had happened. It was finished. Itsurō was barred from medicine for life, after having stolen medication from the hospital to drug yet another victim. He’d spent some time in prison. He was still on probation. Nobody had to know Sage’s involvement. And the thought of having to explain parts of his life he would prefer stay in the past made him sick to think about.

Or maybe it was the nicotine.

He’d smoked more in the last year than the two previous. Trying to escape the man now lurking in the shadows instead of Cale. Or, more accurately, the hybrid ghost that now haunted the night and shadow-laced bars. Sage was a man of light. Skeletons belonged in closets. And this was most certainly a skeleton.

He exhaled, tapping the ash off the cigarette.

Skeletons belonged in the ground, and no single person could bury them alone.

Sage missed the love that had flowed between them when he was open about who he was. About what he went through. He missed the love he had shared with Yūsei, even though he had avoided telling the other man about his suicide scar out of fear. But he had gotten close, before they broke up. When they had been in limbo between engagement or better as friends. Sage had tried to decouple the fact sleeping together meant showing his scar. But now the two being so closely linked was inescapable.

When would he stop having so many shameful things in his history? First attempting to take his own life, and now, letting his guard down in the name of chasing love.

He refused to chase Alexa for those reasons, but now he had an excuse. She wouldn’t want to have a relationship after this. They’d talked, and she just wanted a friend. His love for her could easily be familial—the way he loved Rowen. Even if he wasn’t sure how to classify the love between them, anymore.

He’d hoped, for her sake, that her date would work out. She deserved somebody who would treat her properly.

He cut himself off at the thought he wanted somebody to treat her the way _he_ would.

His cigarette finished, he went into Sendai proper until the smell of smoke had a chance to clear away from his clothes. His thoughts kept circling back to Alexa, wondering what might take her mind off her assault. What might’ve taken _his_ mind off of it. What might take it off, now. He first wandered to poetry and music, but those were gifts he wanted, not her.

She had been drawing again, lately, decorating the margins of her bullet journal. She had already gushed about the various kinds of stationary she wanted to try and how jealous she was of the office supplies available in Japan. If he wanted to get her something from her list for White Day, he’d have to ship it soon.

He needed to remind Rowen of that fact, for his first White Day taken.

Alexa didn’t have to know how traditionally romantic the holiday was, and they’d both talked about how it was nice to celebrate romantic holidays platonically. They’d talked a lot about relationships, since Sage had confessed back in September. He wanted her to know any gestures between them would be taken as platonic, even if they were seen by society as romantic.

It had rendered her comfortable enough with him to dance together, at his All-Japan championship party. They had laughed their way through a basic waltz, then a spin, then as much of a dip as her structured dress would allow— which was quite a distance, considering the flexibility of her back. Yūsei had commented that, other than the lack of movement in her outfit, they could’ve easily passed as a paired couple. Both had selected pink as their unifying colour, to try and make their pairing of Tessa and Rowen less obvious.

He wanted to hold her again to try and remind her not all touch had to be what had just happened.

Try to remind himself.

By the time an hour had passed, only the faintest smell of smoke still clung to his outerwear—easily explained from being outside near smokers. He went and hid his cigarettes again before reaching out to the others. The pain in his skin from memories—both positive and negative—had broken his resolve to be alone. All he wanted was to be held.

_“Would you mind some company, at Mia’s, or your apartment?”_

Ryo was the first to respond, light burning to combat the memories he assumed Sage would be fighting. _“I’m good wherever.”_

 _“You coming over would give Kento and Rowen an excuse to clean up,”_ Cye said with a light laugh at his roommates.

 _“Hey I’ve been working six days a week this month, gimme a break,”_ Kento shot back without malice. _“Would be nice to have you over, buddy.”_

Rowen reached out, still softly. _“Want me to come pick you up?”_

Sage gave the impression of a headshake. _“I’ll be there in a few hours.”_

Give himself time to get used to the idea of telling his friends what had happened, a night he very much wanted to pretend never did. He knew the _belonging_ he craved was on the other side of this secret, and as much as he had tried to pretend otherwise, the desire to feel a part of the Ronin again had won.

He packed his backpack for an overnight trip just in case, sliding in his homework and laptop with a change of clothes and whatever volume of Fullmetal Alchemist he felt like reading. With a quick goodbye to his family, he was back outside.

He did his homework on the train to distract himself. Checked for new messages from Alexa, but she had gone quiet and by now had likely gone to bed. Normally she said some sort of goodnight, a sort of apology for interrupting whatever conversation they’d been having. There was something haunting about watching somebody else isolate, instead of being the one isolating. It just reminded him how hurtful it was to be on the receiving end of. The amount of pain he had caused.

He hoped Ryo and Kento wouldn’t hate him, for keeping such a secret.

Again.

He tried not to think that he hadn’t exactly kept reaching out to Alexa, himself. Asked if she wanted a distraction. He had been too busy with his own troubles to offer her a place to lean on. He stared at their conversation, debating if he should even say anything… before typing an offer to video chat some time this week.

At least now she knew she didn’t _have_ to be alone.

He hoped she wouldn’t balk at how the best day for that was next Saturday. Valentine’s day. Maybe it would let her know she was loved. Even if she didn’t want romance.

To his surprise, Rekka was waiting for him at the train station. Scanning the crowd when he got off resulted in finding Ryo easily—they were some of the only individuals over 180 centimeters on the platform.

He was hugging him before he really knew what was happening, reality turning into a haze to try and ignore his surroundings. Ryo had tucked himself against Sage’s neck, seeking comfort as much as trying to comfort. “You okay?”

Sage swallowed. “Not really.”

He’d discovered it was easier to unravel lies slowly. Start with being honest at the simplest questions, and let the wall crumble.

Ryo squeezed him, Rekka finding a grip on Kourin. “Glad you came over, then.”

They drove with the radio on—classical, traditional melodies that always brought Sage down from anxiety. Which _almost_ made up for Ryo’s quiet voice midway through the trip.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened,” he began. “You don’t even have to confirm or deny what I’m getting at. But… I never thought any less of you. Just wanted to give you the space to tell us.”

They knew. Or at least, he knew.

Of course he did.

Sage had never asked if the drugs had shown in the connection; for how their general states filtered through as a constant, it was almost guaranteed it had. And Rowen had vanished overnight at the same time, just adding to the unusual circumstance. Ryo watched him like a hawk on a good day, even if over the years it had mellowed to Rekka simply pressing against Kourin so lightly he hardly noticed.

A change of state in the winter would’ve gotten his attention, and Rowen travelling to Sendai would’ve confirmed it. Maybe they’d noticed he stopped dating in the past year, something that had been such a constant in his life until that point. It wasn’t for a lack of dating prospects, either.

The fact they knew his pattern just made him feel worse from not telling them sooner.

They knew this was different because the trigger was different. Over the years, they’d all created a mental catalogue of everything that caused a flashback or panic attack. Had a list of evenings at home and gifts to pass around when any of them was in emotional pain, and they knew when to bring them out from experience. A bad date was not on the list of bad situations, and never had been on the list until recently.

Sage found his voice somewhere around the lump in his throat. “Did you share your suspicions with the others?”

Ryo shook his head. “Never talked about it.”

He didn’t continue, knowing Sage wouldn’t want to repeat himself. At all. Sage had hardly ever repeated what happened with Cale over the years; they all simply knew that’s what it was. This one, he hoped, would be no different. Other than having to tell the girls separately, at least.

Even knowing at least Ryo had guessed, his stomach still rocked and his jaw threatened to paralyze.

 _“I can’t believe I’m doing this,”_ he told Rowen as they were nearly at the apartment.

 _“Just like before,”_ Rowen reassured, _“I’ll be here. I can explain some of it if it gets hard. And remember, they’re your brothers just the same as I am. They’re just worried about you, for you. It’ll be alright.”_

He closed his eyes, trying to focus on the music. _“They might already know.”_

_“That doesn’t change that they care about you.”_

He repeated those words over and over as they were let into the apartment, going up to their friends’ floor. The space had the distinct sense of having just been tidied, things more ‘piled out of sitting range’ and less ‘put away.’ It was comforting, in a familiar fashion. As much as they had driven him nuts, in high school, with so much stuff always out… the farther away he got from that time, the more he looked back on it fondly.

He sat beside Rowen on the couch, once pleasantries were done. He noticed Cye and Ryo still standing, Ryo leaning on the chair Kento occupied, and gave a lopsided smile. “You might want to sit down.”

They did, trepidation built from a year of nagging questions growing in the yoroi. Sage disconnected from it before the feeling could overwhelm him, rendering him mute.

He stared at the floor. “I was drugged, over a year ago, now. The— the man I was considering dating would have raped me, had I not been able to heal the effects with Kourin.”

Rowen spoke before any of them could answer, Tenku’s shields protecting him from the onslaught of emotions he couldn’t look up to see. “Sage called me to come bail him out, and I took him home.”

Kento’s fist softly collided with his open palm.“I want the name of this guy.” Rekka had a similar bloodlust as Kongo, the same aggression they’d wanted to turn on Cale all those years ago. Anger at others. Protectiveness towards him. Both feelings finally unleashed now that there was confirmation.

Sage shook his head. He didn’t want to dignify that man with a name. “Police arrested him on drug possession and theft charges. I haven’t seen him since.”

Cye, once again, played the role of group cooling force. His gentle voice eased the tension generated by the others’ threats of violence. “Alexa’s assault must’ve triggered you, then.”

He hung his head and nodded, the tone of Cye’s voice not mitigating the agony of being triggered by simply hearing about a friend’s struggles. But Cye wasn’t trying to mitigate the others; he was instead focusing his attention on Kourin. Sage tentatively reached out through his broken facade to feel concern and caring, instead of the anger and betrayal he’d been expecting.

The wall was crumbling, but all the rubble just left cuts and scrapes. Now it was shame he had hidden his history for so long. He flinched away from the offers of belonging—something he’d just wanted a few hours ago. He had just hurt them so deeply by not trusting them and here all they wanted was to love him.

He didn’t understand. But he was too tired to resist, even if Tenku half pushed him out of his bubble to mingle with the other yoroi.

“What can do we to help?” Ryo asked, channeling his emotions into something constructive. He was less agitated, this time. Calm, even. He was the most prone to emotional floods of the group and _he_ was able to keep an even keel, rendering the situation safe. Still, he would be triggered. He was just managing it better, this time.

For once, Sage had no answer for how to soothe his leader. He swallowed. “I don’t know.”

Rowen put an arm around his shoulders and rubbed Sage’s bicep, silently. The answers had to come from Sage, and he’d spent so long trying to figure out how to avoid telling them he had no idea how to break out of his self-dependent shell.

He soaked up the care flowing from them like a sponge, not realizing he had gone dry. Kourin wanted more; letting himself receive it was a good start. Already the air around him felt clearer, the others pulling him into a warm, secluded space they all held for each other at different points.

This was a good start. Kourin communicated as much.

Kento broke the quiet by clapping his hands against his knees in preparation to get up. “Well. How about we start with some food? You must be hungry after the train ride, and nothin’ clears the head as well as a full stomach.”

Sage smiled, glancing up at them for the first time since admitting it. “Sounds good. I… told my family I might stay overnight. And right now I don’t want to move.”

Smiles met that announcement, _glad_ to be taking care of him again. They suggested video games as their usual entertainment, everyone settling into a combination of television, dinner preparations, and company. Sage curled into Rowen as he and Ryo almost jokingly battled each other in whatever fighting game they’d settled on; it was new, and Sage hadn’t been paying attention. _“I don’t know why I was expecting anything different.”_

 _“Because the first time around was what Tessa would probably call a first draft,”_ he said between strikes, amused his girlfriend’s analogies were already rubbing off on him. _“The second one always comes out far different.”_

There was relief in hearing those words, as fleeting as it would likely be. Just the thought of it ending had ghostly memories threaten the bubble of safety they’d made. _“I don’t know when I’ll tell them anything else._ If _I do.”_

Tenku’s calming powers were laced into Rowen’s voice. _“Then just let them come as they do. No sense forcing it. The hard part’s over; let the current carry you for the rest.”_

Sage chuckled internally. _“You sound like Cye.”_

Rowen returned the expression. _“He’s not wrong.”_ He paused, amusement growing, _“I mean, Mia_ did _say I was the one ‘unmoored in the stream of the sky’, so there’s that.”_

His laughter made Sage relax even more; he settled to watch the fighting, Ryo and Rowen more focused on trash-talking each other than actually playing the game; they knew it made him laugh, and it helped him forget about the night, helped him forget about his fear. Helped him feel normal, again. His favourite foods from high school helped, Cye and Kento not even having to ask.

Nobody had asked. Anything. They hadn’t demanded answers, details, triggers. Just given him space. Just made sure he knew he was loved. Just offered him a place to belong and rest in and remember there was still good in the world, even if it didn’t feel like it.

He wouldn’t trade his brothers for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sage finally admits to the others what happened, having kept it a secret for over a year out of fear they would be angry with him. Instead, they comfort him and help him feel like he belongs somewhere again


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter deals heavily with discussion of assault and the feelings associated with it. A summary of important details will be at the bottom.
> 
> tw: emotional abuse, coercion, alcohol, assault discussion, biphobia, past attemptede rape discussion

—T—

‘I still can’t believe she treated me that way. She’d been one of my closest friends in the city…’

I exhaled quietly, seeing the first message of the day from my sister…after the requisite cat stories, of course. Blackie was a handful in the morning, though usually with good reason.

Leaning back in my chair, I quickly punched out a reply. Not for the first time, I was thankful to be the latest sleeper of my roommates; a simmering fire of anger caused my fingers to come down more loudly on the keys than they usually tolerated. ‘People often become different, when drunk. Some show their true colors’

I wondered if she could tell through Dawn how clipped I intended those words to be.

‘I was absolutely convinced she was my soulmate for how she’d handled my moving out, then I met Sage and… I got confused, so I wanted to. Figure it out, y’know? I don’t even know why I dated her, now, from all the red flags…’ She paused, and then the chat icon indicated she had started a follow-on message. ‘Was this all some long con?’

I stared at those words, those words too heavy with meaning for simple lighted pixels on an LED screen. ‘What flags?’

Dread swirled through the anger that threatened to release, if this went the direction I thought it was going.

‘For starters she insisted all my compliments on her selfies were obviously flirting which is how she knew I was in love with her when… I didn’t know…’

I didn’t like the sound of that.

‘...And you told her they weren’t, right?’

‘I… tried, but mostly just got tongue tied that I found her pretty?’

Snorting, I replied, ‘And I could hardly get a proper word out when Rowen and I met.’ I hoped she could catch my meaning that that sort of reaction tended to be a thing regardless of how the relationship ended up working out or not. Of course…Michael would have been a much better example, for that. Except, he’d been the one to approach _me_ …

Shaking my head clear of thoughts of my ex, I reached carefully halfway across the world to brush the metaphorical shoulder of my current boyfriend. It had taken near constant practice over the six months since we’d met to accomplish that with minimal strain. Sometimes I envied the leg up Alexa had on me—then I shuddered at how she had _gotten_ that boost instead, and quickly dropped the envy. 

While I waited for Rowen’s response, I asked my sister, ‘What else?’

As she typed away, Strata settled against me as if Rowen’s arms had draped around my neck and rested on my collarbone. _“I was just falling asleep,”_ he pouted. The love he felt for me mostly covered his irritation at being woken, though. _“What’s going on?”_

 _“Alexa sharing about what happened with her almost-ex. Thought you might want to listen in…”_ I studied the weariness in Strata’s energy, and continued, _“Oooor I could fill you in when you wake up. But I’ll probably be asleep by then, if I know what’s good for me.”_

I only half registered his response, as Alexa’s next message had now appeared on-screen. ‘She spent most of dinner talking about how abandoned she felt by her ex and— hell she’s spent most of our friendship talking about how abandoned by her mom she was and how she puts friends first, but she seemed to imply that if you had close friends you put above your romantic partner that you weren’t for her?’

That was a fair chunk to digest. I pinched either side of my forehead with thumb and index finger, massaging gently at the mental gymnastics. When Rowen nudged me for context, I quickly filled him in.

_“Sounds like she went to the Deborah School of Life Lessons Not to Learn.”_

I coughed to hide my laugh out of habit, before typing my next question.

‘Did you happen to ask her how she felt about me and the guys?’

‘I mentioned I had a sister and we came in a matched set and she… *acted* like she was understanding, but she’d get mad every time I grabbed a picture of the ice sculptures to send to you guys because it was paying more attention to you than her…’

My lips pressed into a thin line. That flame of anger in my soul licked higher, anticipating new fodder. ‘...like you weren’t already there with her in person and sharing how many hours and dinner and talk?’ Rowen’s mental smirk in the back of my mind reminded me of one of our other dynamics. ‘Rowen finds it ridiculously adorable when I get excited over something that reminds me of you for God’s sake’

‘Good man’ She replied, with complete seriousness.

Rowen laughed at my expense. I stuck my tongue out at him, and messaged my sister back. ‘-ruffles hair- brat’

The mirth quickly died away. Dusk radiated _dread_. I reached out to Rowen for a steadying hand as I waited for Alexa’s next thought. ‘She… kinda wanted me to go to a date-date instead of just hanging out as friends because it was so obvious I was in love with her and I’d just ignored her for four months because of the guys and the kidnapping and the championship…’

My heart sank. To keep a little levity in the conversation, I muttered to Rowen, _“No, she’s obviously in love with_ Sage _. She didn’t speak about this random girl in any way shape or form like the way she looks at and talks about him.”_  

He chuckled quietly.

To Alexa, I typed, ‘Please tell me she didn’t try to hold that over your head the entire time’

She shied away from Dawn, and I hoped she wasn’t afraid of my anger bubbling up. ‘She had a ‘no phones’ rule at dinner, which drove my OCD nuts cause I wanted to message you…’

I paused, wrestling with that concept. On the one hand, it was a nice thing in this day and age to find time to put down the devices and connect with someone. On the other, when someone’s almost entire life existed in electronic spaces, and said person had mental illnesses that meant those connections were the only way to feel safe and engage in some form of socializing, demanding they remove that was a recipe for disaster.

‘Normally I’d say spending that sort of quality time isn’t a bad thing. Except when she knows how much we mean to each other and how your OCD works.’

‘I’d really wanted to show you dinner. It looked really good. The burger was awesome and I’m sure even a connoisseur like Kento or Rowen would approve lol’

 _“Now I’m hungry again,”_ the aforementioned latter Ronin grumbled.

‘We’ll have to go next year’ I suggested, warmly. Back to the topic at hand, I continued, ‘Seriously, though? She refused over a burger picture?’

‘I’d taken enough pictures, according to her. Also the restaurant wasn’t tied to Winterlude so it’ll be around next time you visit’

Dawn’s anger simmered too much to acknowledge the food information, though I filed it away for the future regardless.

‘No such thing’ I growled back—thinking of the hundreds of thousands of pictures stored away on my computer. Granted part of that was because I never went through and culled the bad ones, but they were there and that was what mattered. I couldn’t count the number of exasperated comments I’d gotten from classmates over my tourist photography habits.

Alexa remained quiet, for a little while. In the silence, I tabbed over to check on a homework assignment due the next morning.

_“So…”_

I glanced over at my window as if Rowen stood there, mentally directing my attention to Strata’s presence. At my prompting to continue, he did so. _“Sage…might also be struggling a little, with being concerned for Alexa. In an indirect fashion.”_

_“Oh?”_

My raised eyebrow went unanswered, as Alexa sent her next message then. Rowen might’ve been able to hold two conversations at once, but he had six years on me with that skill.

 ‘... It. looks like I missed some of her conversation, where she accuses me of shoving her out the door so I can message my friends I obviously love more than her and she doesn’t like it.’

 _There_ came the solar flares of anger. Sometimes I felt like I should have gotten Dusk instead of Dawn, with all the fiery dragon imagery. ‘Well the feeling is mutual. Bai’

‘Lol I wish I could say the same… I’m going to miss having a friend in town.’

The cutting, snarky comment felt quite insensitive, in that light. I winced with at least a little remorse for that, but remained firm. ‘-hugsnugs- a friend like that is no friend to you at all, sis’

‘She’d been so supportive when I had nobody. She’d taken me out furniture shopping. It’s… hard to let that go.’ She broke her thought up in two. ‘She… *had* offered to cook for me, too, until she found out my allergies, then she said she’d not do that…’

My inner dragon rose from its hibernation. ‘-curls up around protectively and growls- That is exactly the sort of hesitation I had with leaving Michael.’ Letting that thought imply more information to follow, I then explained, ‘He made me feel wanted, because I’d never been really noticed before and was starved for meaningful relationship. If it hadn’t been for you and the guys, I probably wouldn’t have realized his poison before it was too late.’

Strata enveloped me in Rowen’s feelings, the weightless but supportive love that I’d already come to lean on in the months since Sage’s championship finals. I thought again of the midwinter dance that would arrive in only a couple weeks, and felt torn over asking him to come so far just for a weekend.

 _“I can always make my own plane,”_ he said, with a knee-weakening smirk. _“Or ask the Warlords for a ride.”_

 _“That creates its own difficulties,”_ I waved at him absently, focused more on my sister just then.

Dusk was beginning to crumble, and Dawn stretched out to carefully cradle her without yet resorting to completely holding her together. 

‘honestly had Sage not said it was assault I… would’ve just gone and given her a second chance, since she had apologized, and she was drunk so it could’ve just been a slip, or. anything.’

With a tiny flicker of a smirk for the admission that it was primarily Sage, not me, who had convinced her, I set about typing back oh so familiar words to her. ‘It was you who told me abusers work on the honeymoon-threat-apologize cycle, sis. And like I said the real person tends to come out when people are drunk.’ Only a tad self-conscious about Rowen half-listening or half-watching over my shoulder, I tapped my fingers against my computer’s shell. 

After a few moments, I began to type, ‘If Rowen hadn’t already kissed me before the championship, I probably would have been more reluctant about a seco’—

I paused mid-thought. 

‘guess that says something about the guys at the championship party lol’

A slow, scheming grin broke across my face.

_“Watch this, Ro.”_

I backspaced what I had been about to say, and instead wrote, ‘Considering two of them are pretty much impossible to get drunk, yes. And don’t think I didn’t notice how much you enjoyed the dance lesson with Sage. ;P’

Pleased with myself, like a cat with a mouse in its jaws, I leaned back and folded my hands behind my head to watch the web weave itself. As Dais would probably say, though, I was waiting to play the long game.

Alexa could take her time.

_“I honestly forget whether she knows Sage and Cye can’t get drunk.”_

Her response pretty much answered Rowen’s thought. ‘He was pretty lucid lol Yūsei was saying how good a dancer he was and he offered and I was more sugar-drunk than alcohol-drunk. I’m amazed I was able to avoid stepping on his feet lol’

‘Rowen said alcohol doesn’t affect him because of' It took a second to remember this wasn’t Rowen’s special chat. My fingers paused over the keyboard momentarily, thinking of the data we were pulling from Messenger for Deborah’s and Michael’s trials and why we were still using it for that information in the _first_ place. ‘...you know what. And you probably missed his feet thanks to all those kata he does LOL’ 

‘Anyway, back to Bitch Woman—because that’s what she is’ 

Dawn presented Dusk a sense of inviting her to continue.

I watched her typing chat bubble pop up and down.

‘I can’t believe I never saw any of the *other* red flags, like the one time we had a debate on whether two female characters were straight or bisexual… and she said they were only ‘really’ bisexual if they were shipped with each other instead of the usual boys they were shipped with’

I paused.

‘-slow blink-’

‘Ahyeah. She was a straight up lesbian and I knew she was invested in having nothing to do with men but I didn’t… I guess I didn’t realize she was just claiming to accept bisexuality because she ‘had to’ to gain access to queer circles. Gold star lesbian, too, and have I explained how gross that is? Especially her reasoning?”

‘Dare I ask what that is’

‘The basic premise of a gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never had sex with a man, some expand it to those who’ve never touched dick, so, for some, a lesbian who’s slept with a trans woman ‘counts’ as a not-gold star even though it’s two women. For *her*, she *had* been with a man and he’d pressured her into sex but she had ‘stayed true to herself’ and refused. Which is logic a lot of other lesbians really hate, so people try to do away with gold stars. She said you’d pry it out of her cold dead hands. And lesbian-specific biphobia is feeling we’re only ‘good’ when we love women and we’re het/ traitors/ less pure love when we love men. Which in hindsight explains why she got *so* jealous with the thought I had so many guy friends’

I could only stare at the screen for long moments, long enough that Strata drew close around to make sure I was still alright. Revulsion and disgust for the whole concept washed through my throat, not helped at all by another far more respected connotation I had with that term.

‘I…kind of feel a need to point out how that term is shared by families of fallen soldiers…’

I sincerely hoped Alexa could feel the rest of my revulsion not described in the text through the yoroi.

‘Only know about it in lesbian context, so’

‘Families of soldiers back in WWII would put a flag with a blue star in their window to signify how many in their family were in the service. When one was killed, the star was changed to gold. The tradition has carried on to the modern day, and we call them “blue star mother” or “gold star mother” flags, and the survivors “gold star families”.’ Sending that one on its way, I continued, ‘I know it’s probably more related to getting a gold star on a paper, but that concept you just described makes me *sick*...’

‘Convergent evolution is a thing’

‘Good point. Still doesn’t help that much though…’ 

_“Sage would probably loathe the concept, as well. Might help her some to talk to him, later…”_

I snorted softly, but relayed the message. ‘Rowen says that would probably make Sage sick to hear, too.’

‘It makes most bisexual people sick, tbh, because it’s used as a hierarchy for how exclusively lesbian women who realized young are superior over lesbians who realized after sleeping with men and both of them above bisexual people because of the *potential* to sleep with other genders than the "expected" one. It’s great. So privileged being bisexual, straight *and* gay people hate me! The reminder I’m not even safe in my own community is great…’

My heart tugged at her pain. After offering a comforting hug via text, I tried to figure out how to say she should talk to Sage, without directly saying so. It would do her good to have someone she trusted who _was_ part of her community to lean on. 

_“Don’t.”_

My attention snapped to Rowen. The warning in his voice felt as icy as space. A little stunned by the sudden change, I asked, _“What?”_

 _“She’s in enough emotional turmoil without throwing Sage in the mix. You’re her sister. She needs_ you _right now.”_

I sighed. This was why I didn’t get mixed up in schemes and things. My stupid ass tended to act without thinking, get really hyped up on a spur of the moment idea, then the next, then the next—until finally jumping headlong off the dock, without asking whether that reflective surface was actually ground, or just water.

Alexa had continued without waiting for me, oblivious to my telepathic conversation with Strata.

‘This girl had been my lifeline… in college, when I’d just moved out. She’d been the person I could rant to about abusive moms and the trauma that comes with them and feeling like you don’t have any home to call your own and… we’d both wanted to just build our own home away from all the abuse of our parents and now I’m finding out all she wanted was someone to have sex with…’

While I couldn’t relate exactly to that specific relationship, I knew at least what it felt like to be far from home without established friends to lean on. I told her as much, offering the little advice I’d gleaned from my own college time in the hopes it would help.

We continued chatting, with only a brief pause for me to grab dinner. Rowen had long returned to sleep, by then, and Sage popped up as active in the yoroi chat. I tossed a brief ‘Ohayoo’ his way before flipping back to Alexa’s screen. We were almost finished, I could sense; she’d needed a good cry to release the emotions, to go along with the ramble explaining just why the betrayal hurt so much.

Good thing it was a Sunday.

‘glad I finally got to tell you all of this without… getting scared you’d run because it was same-sex…’

I offered another one of hundreds of virtual and telepathic hugs. ‘that’s what sisters are for. it’s a “You break my sister’s heart, I’ll break your face” kinda deal’

‘I appreciate that probably more than you can guess.’

Smiling—I at least could have an idea that I had an impact, since I could see part of that at least on the screen and in Dusk—I sent a little heart emoji. Sage’s chat pinged; I quickly popped over to see what he’d said.

‘so I heard you had a good chat with Alexa’

‘...yeeees?’ To clarify how exactly he meant, and how he’d found out, _and_ hopefully clear up my own confusion for the out of the blue topic, I asked, ‘did she tell you?’

Alexa returned my emoji heart, then went silent. Assuming she was engrossed in one or another of myriad videos she liked to enjoy, I idly browsed some online artwork while Sage typed.

‘She and Rowen told me. She told me she was relieved almost to tears you just listened, and Rowen was quite concerned you would make the same mistake he and Kento did, when we were teenagers.’

The owl eyes from earlier came back. Once I could come up with something coherent to say, I replied, ‘Um...oooooook. I’m confused now. What mistake would that be?’

‘Suggesting she talk to me’

...Whoops. Now I knew personally what feeling caught with my hand in the cookie jar felt like. _Hopefully_ , he didn’t mean that he knew we were thinking about—deliberately trying to, almost, at this point—set the two of them up. 

‘I wasn’t *not* going to still be there and talk to her and comfort her. I just…thought she would appreciate having someone who’s been in her circles around, to understand. I can be there and support her and everything but no matter how much I learn, I don’t experience it, so…’

‘If Alexa is anything like I was, that can be taken as a rejection of identity. Rowen tensed, knowing how much it had hurt me to have Kento, even Rowen, asking if there was somebody who loved men I could speak to.’

If I wasn’t careful, I was going to eventually run out of my assigned quota for blinks per lifetime. Sage hadn’t said anything about either one of them visiting the other either in Sendai or Tokyo, this weekend. And—I checked the clock—right now it was eight o’clock on a Monday morning over there. ‘tensed?’ ‘you mean through Tenku?’

‘Physically… I was in Tokyo overnight, and I’m on my way back to Sendai for university.’

‘what’re you doing there? don’t you normally have kendo class in the morning?’

His chat icon didn’t move, for a long minute; Halo felt like it was holding its breath. ‘I was triggered, by her assault. It was unfortunately similar to a bad date I’d had, over a year ago.’

...If Sage was saying something was bad, not to mention similar to something else which I already had a gauge for how bad _that_ was, it did not bode well for the direction this conversation might go. ‘...how similar is “similar”’

‘She wasn’t drugged, and didn’t need an outside party to intervene’ 

My heart sank. Drugs meant a plan, and a plan meant more than what Alexa had experienced—to the point someone had to bail _Sage_ out of trouble.

Memories of his blood on my hand and wheezing, wet coughs flashed through my mind.

I rubbed my head, almost in an attempt to massage away the too-fresh images. Too tired to moderate either a sigh or the snarky humor I’d partly picked up from my sister, I typed back, ‘I should demand a bottle of sake from you. I’m gonna need it after all this’ 

Kourin bubbled with low-key laughter, echoed in his text. ‘Lol I know the feeling. I'll get Rowen to ship some over from both of us for White Day’

Right. 

‘...make it two bottles. I forgot about that’

It was hard to believe March was coming up so fast. The formal dance would be in just two weeks. And, before _that_ —I glanced at the desk calendar under my computer—there was Valentine’s Day.

Next week.

Part of me liked the excuse to ask Rowen to come visit in the States. Another didn’t want to ask him to use the armor for such a petty reason. We both were wary of Tenku, at least, after the summer’s events. Not to mention it was a gross misuse of its powers, and simply invited the disaster of discovery. No, better for him to take commercial air. But then that cost at least $1500 round trip, and he was the quintessential broke and starving college student. Meanwhile, I needed to scrounge every penny I could to prepare for entering the “real world”.

Why did adulting have to be so hard?

‘AND valentines day’ I added, once I had had the realization. Then, another one dawned on me, and I let my forehead _thunk_ on the desk with a groan. ‘shit what should I get Rowen??’

Kourin simply waited patiently for me to get my brain back on track. That was how mentally exhausted I was. The full implications of the bomb he’d dropped on my head didn’t register until I reread our brief conversation.

Drugged. _Drugged_. Mr. I-can’t-get-drunk-because-my-armor-heals-me. Mr. Always-on-my-guard. ‘wait. you were *drugged*? like, roofies? and Kourin felt it??’

‘It is the only time I have ever been hungover.’

I stared, mouth agape, at the screen. After long moments fighting with my emotions, I said, ‘I’m...so sorry. and kinda terrified.’

‘It was only my self control that had Kourin *not* heal it in full, if that’s any comfort. I was able to stop it from rendering me unconscious instantly.’ came the wry response.

‘A little’ After some thought, I hesitantly typed, ‘I…don’t want to ask, if it’s still too difficult to talk about…’

It had only been a year. Knowing what little I did about his suicide attempt, and how it had been six years since then, I figured this had a good possibility of still being like a fresh wound.

‘Considering I only told the others yesterday, it is.’

Yep, suspicion confirmed. That confession gave me pause. ‘oh’ 

If _that_ was the case...then why did he tell me this _now_?

He seemed to contemplate my question for a while, long enough I went back to perusing art sites. 

‘I was hoping you could tell me if you think Alexa would be helped, hearing she has somebody nearby who knows what it’s like to be betrayed by a friend.’

Hallelujah, my prayer had been answered.

Immediately, I sent, ‘yes!’ letting that hang in front of him so he would know I approved in the meantime, I continued with my explanation.

‘it may be hard for her to swallow at first but she always does better once she knows there’s someone else in the world who really *knows* what she’s going through. once she knows she’s not alone’ It didn’t take much debate to add, ‘I was kind of going to suggest it myself earlier, even without knowing what you just told me’

It occurred to me—after I had sent that—he pretty much already knew that. But it couldn’t hurt to repeat, right?

‘Part of me had hoped you wouldn’t say that lol I’ll tell her… soon.’

Dawn stretched across thousands of miles to comfort Halo. ‘take your time. it’s ok you’re still struggling. and she’ll understand’ 

I couldn’t keep my internal smile off my face, thinking about not long after we’d first met and he had comforted my by offering to talk if I needed it. What a strange, small world. 

‘I’m here, too, if you ever want to talk about it <3’

Halo returned the same warmth I had given him. ‘Arigato. I… appreciate that. And if you need help getting Rowen something, I am always available to help.’

I chuckled. ‘I think I’ll take you up on that.’ Flicking to a new tab, I dug through my history for something I vaguely remembered stumbling across the other day. 

‘So I was thinking…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alexa breaks down all of the red flags that she didn't see before the relationship, Tessa and Rowen continue trying to set the two up, and Sage tells Tessa about his assault before offering to help her with Valentine's Day shopping for Rowen


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: assault discussion, sex work, jealousy

—A—

Sage had inserted himself very firmly into my life in the days after the assault. I had to admit I appreciated it tremendously, as much as my instincts were to pull back and not talk about it and pretend it was fine. We’d made plans to virtually hang out on Valentine’s Day once it came out I was low-key upset with not having a follow up date that day; I’d only ever been taken for Valentine’s once in my life, but I hadn’t wanted to risk the day itself as a first official date, for how anxious I had been at the concept of dating in general.

‘Is it weird I feel better?’ I asked Sage. ‘Like, it hurts to see things that remind me of her that I want to share but… she’d take forever to reply, and I was always trying to give her the best stuff to try and get a response from her, and now I don’t have to…’

He took a few moments to reply, for how it was early morning for him by the time I got off work. Adjusting to a 9-to-5 had been a little brutal—and really only made possible by the Warlords slipping in to cook whatever I didn’t have the energy for when I got home. And a medication increase to handle all the swirling emotions and obsessive thoughts, which hurt from both the exhaustion of no longer living off adrenaline and the weight gain of finally eating enough. But the environment was so much better and I was glad I’d listened to Sage.

‘I’ve experienced that with a person I went on a date with who ended up not being the best for me,’ he responded. ‘I’ve been thinking about him often, since your experience.’

I had to admit, I winced at that. ‘Sorry for reminding you.’

A sense of dry, dark amusement filtered through Halo. ‘I’d been steadfastly ignoring it for over a year. In a way it’s… a relief, to finally be talking about it.’

He wasn’t, at least not to me, but at least he was talking about it to somebody. ‘I’m glad.’

‘Do you want to hear the story?’

I blinked. The concept of being asked if I wanted to hear something was new to me— normally I’d be the one retroactively setting up boundaries, not having space to put them up before. Not to mention, my answer was usually yes. ‘I mean, if you’re up to it, sure’

He left me on read for awhile. Long enough for me to go into the kitchen and grab some of the pre-portioned meals Dais and Sekhmet had cooked over the weekend. I loved _having_ the pre-portioned meals. I just hated the amount of food that went into them. But so long as I kept my credit limit low and just paid for the food at the grocery store, and they cooked it on bad weeks, and all I saw was the result, I was fine.

‘I don’t think I’ll ever be up to it, but I do want you to know. In a way, I know that wanting to hide it is simply my own self-sabotage, hence talking about it even when I don’t feel like I should.’

‘So long as you feel it’s not self harm, go for it’

I had to admit, it was a little unnerving, all the trouble he was going through to preface this.

He was typing for long enough I’d heated up the food and it was now steaming beside me. I couldn’t take a bite as I got lost in the possibilities of what it could be, stomach twisting in knots.

‘Two winters ago—the winter before I met you—a friend I’d met through my classes and I were talking about our lives, our dating histories. We both knew the other liked men, and we were both single at the time. We decided to go out just to see if we could casually date, without anything serious expected. I had only turned old enough to legally visit bars six months prior, so we went out to one catering to men who love men I’d wanted to try.

‘A few hours into the evening—he was a wonderful conversationalist—I felt Kourin healing something. Rowen guessed, rather quickly, I had been drugged. I kept Kourin from healing it to maintain illusions, but he noticed I was losing my lucidity. He insisted on trying to take me home, and only stopped when Rowen showed up. My reputation as a cheater was, unfortunately, solidified thanks to rumours started by him after that. I’ve been ‘taken’ ever since.’

I sat and stared at that, relieved it wasn’t as bad as I had been imagining. ‘Honestly I doubt she wouldn’t have drugged me had I ordered any alcohol. But I don’t know. I didn’t leave my drink unattended long enough.’

The first thing the manager at the club had told me was if I left a drink alone for more than two minutes it was dead to me. I kept that rule up in my private life, too.

‘It’s hard, knowing how much worse it could’ve been without having experienced it.’

My eyes filled with tears fairly instantly at that. ‘Yeah…’

‘I understand what you’re going through right now’

The dam broke, with that. Between crying fits I managed to type out, ‘I thought I was alone in this grey area’

‘You’re not,’ he said, Halo soft. ‘And as Rowen has been reminding me over and over this past week, it doesn’t have to be worse to be hurtful.’

‘I think I needed to hear that’

‘So did I. So *do* I, because I forget half the time…’

I laughed despite myself. ‘You and me both’

‘I have told everyone else,’ he continued. ‘If… you want to wrestle with the implications of this with any of them.’

I frowned a bit at that. ‘I feel like you should know by now I don’t really care lol’

‘I know you don’t,’ he responded, as if he’d been expecting that. ‘But I know you need time and people to process what’s going on. Any worry you have about triggering me. Anything… about not knowing how to relate to somebody who has experienced what you went through. Not wanting to over-burden me, even though I would’ve told you if it was too much.’ Before I could respond further, he said, ‘I need to get to class. I’ll speak with you again on break.’

‘Thanks for telling me’

That was the message he left on read before going offline.

The way he’d reacted let me know how big a deal this was, to him. It wasn’t something _he_ had brushed off as just a part of his past, therefore he didn’t expect— didn’t _want_ me to dismiss it, myself. He’d given me the gift of understanding; something nobody else had been able to give me about this topic.

I navigated to Rowen’s chat, him begrudgingly online at this time in the morning. ‘So if I were to get Sage something to thank him for how much he’s been there for me, what would he want to get?’

He took a few moments to reply to that. I finally reached for the food beside me, munching as he typed.

‘He can’t go a day without tea.’ I laughed as he kept going. ‘Plays the bamboo flute, loves his bonsai trees like they’re his kids, of course there’s kendo, enjoys poetry but you already knew that’

I snorted at how he seemed to expect that to be the end of it. ‘And I know nothing about his favourite tea types, what to use to take care of bonsai trees, or if he’d appreciate English poets since I know nothing about Japanese ones. He doesn’t talk about it much because of the language barrier on my end’

‘...good point’ I could imagine the ‘oops’ look he gave the phone. ‘although you could probably get away with English poets. He’s been eager to branch out’

‘Hrm.’ I tapped my finger against the side of my bowl. My desire to go shop here, or on English sites, was going to be a problem with shipping times. ‘I wish I could pick something that would ship in time for Valentine’s. I could write him something, I guess.’

There was another pause before answering. ‘he would certainly appreciate that. if you want some premade poetry, though, I can see about stores around here that might carry some’

I ducked my head, thinking about how busy he must be with school. ‘It feels a little unethical to use you as a shopping vessel lol’

‘we do it for each other all the time. hard to keep secrets from the yoroi otherwise’

My turn for an oops look. ‘... point taken.’ I thought more seriously about his offer, now that I wasn’t trying to find a way to _not_ take it. ‘I think I’d want a poetry book and a sample of tea? Give him a day off after everything he’s remembering…’

Strata softened upon finding out why I wanted to give him something. ‘that sounds like a wonderful gift. I’ll keep an eye and an ear out for ya, see if I can get any other information’

An idea struck me hard enough I snapped my fingers even though nobody could see. ‘Doesn’t Cye’s sister own a bookstore with a large English section? If anyone would know, it’d be her’

‘and Cye would know what’s readily available over here, as well as what Sage would find easier to read’ he responded at a speed far slower than his thoughts had to be going. ‘you’re a genius!’

I flicked to Cye’s conversation despite him being offline— if I recalled correctly, he had morning classes and labs to contend with. ‘So how well-stocked is the English section of your sister’s bookstore and are there poetry books?’

While I waited for that answer, I turned back to Rowen’s chat. There was one thing I wanted to know, something Sage would flat-out refuse to tell me based off how he’d made a point to tell me nothing I’d said was too much. ‘How… bad has he been, since… everything that happened with me?’

‘I’m going to assume he told you, then?’ he asked.

I thought back to what he’d said, my feelings about it now starting to come out. ‘He told me the story that lined up as closely to my experience as possible, so I’d know I wasn’t alone’

‘he came down to visit, for the weekend. While I had the benefit of being there when it happened, he hadn’t told the other guys yet’ I couldn’t exactly tell what he was feeling through Strata, but I supposed that was the point. ‘he hasn’t said much about it to them. but there’s also a lot more history, with all of us, that can make things…difficult’

That got a rock in my stomach. ‘So I might… know the second most about everything? For how he gave me two paragraphs of how they’d been friends before and you going to get him out of there is why there were boyfriend rumours…’

He paused a long time upon hearing that, to the point I wondered if he’d forgotten about the conversation. ‘excluding me, it sounds like you know the most’ He was thankfully faster with his next message. ‘the others only know he went on a date with a man who drugged him, and I came to get him’

‘That’s what I meant. You know the most, I know the second most’ More nagging doubts. More things I wanted to ask him about. ‘It… sounded so well-packaged to match my situation I think I doubted it was completely true.’

I was a spin doctor. That’s what I did; I’d turn half truths into whole stories and let them fill in what happened to make it sound more similar than it really was. I didn’t know if Sage was one, yet. But I guessed he knew how to turn a fraction of the truth into a story so large you assumed that was all that existed.

‘may I…?’ When I didn’t respond immediately, he clarified, ‘see what he sent you, that is. just the two paragraphs’

I took a screenshot and sent it over.

‘everything he said is true’ he responded in a time frame that revealed his reading speed was about the same as my sister’s. ‘I think the only part he left out was just how scared he was. I’m not sure if it was the drugs or Halo dulling it, either during or afterward in his memory, but when *I* felt him reach out...he was not in a good place’

‘I guessed he was scared, based off how he practically insisted I talk to one of you about it. It’s not a little thing, for him, but he doesn’t know how to tell me that directly’

‘of all of us, I think Sage struggles the most with dealing with fear’ he responded. ‘how much has he told you about his grandfather?’

I had to think about that. ‘A… bit? Same type of thing. Parceled out stories that match up with my experience as much as possible, but only two, really. Maybe three? I forget. Know about the locked in the basement thing, I know about the thinned kendo padding, and I know a little bit about his expectations for Sage’s life and how little wiggle room Sage feels like he has’

He had to be doing homework, for all those pauses. That or commuting. Resigning myself to a wait, I went back to food and YouTube until his chat dinged. ‘to be blunt, Sage has such little wiggle room because he’s been brought up on basically trying to live up to Masamune’s name. and that means being a perfect samurai. including not being afraid to die’ The break in messages felt more like a sigh. ‘now put that side by side with an inability to escape PTSD, and you have the recipe for why when Sage shows any fear whatsoever, he’s actually terrified’

I could only stare at that, flicking between Rowen’s and Sage’s conversations to try and match up the two versions of the man I knew. ‘... I think I guessed that but hadn’t actually realized. Kinda hoped it wasn’t true’

‘I wish it weren’t either. but we’ve had six years to work on it’ he said softly. ‘he’s come a long way’

I smiled. ‘Thanks for filling in the blanks for me’

‘Anytime’ And the ‘doing something that had him lose track of time’ suspicion was basically confirmed with his next message. ‘ah fuck the professor’s gonna kill me if I’m late again gotta run!’

I laughed at his expense. ‘Later’ 

He went offline to better focus on getting to class, and I sat and stared at the conversations. I had to admit, it was vaguely uncomfortable finding out I was Sage’s second most turned to confidant. For starters, we really barely knew each other. And second off… it just felt like he had fallen for my persona.

Sage wouldn’t be the first. A side effect of growing up around my mom was I had cultivated an aura of ‘safe’, which turned into being told deep dark secrets on the regular. I made sure to not use it for ill, I had rules, and now it looked like I had to pull them out for Sage.

I didn’t want to pull them out for Sage. But I didn’t know if he’d be able to handle everything _messy_ about me, if he was starting to use me to talk about his own mess.

Now I’d have to observe him for awhile, to feel safe.

Cye popped up just as I was getting ready for bed. I explained the situation to him and he said he’d pass the request on to his sister, as unconventional as it was.

The least I could do was let Sage know I’d be there for him.

—~—

Sage looked at Alexa still online on a Sunday afternoon in early March. The fact it was nearly 1430 in Japan just made him shake his head. ‘You’re worse than Rowen.’

‘Oh hush’

Worried there was another, far more flashback related reason behind her late night hours, he asked, ‘Anything you want to talk about?’

Kure dismissed any prods against her wellbeing. ‘Just because I decide to go out clubbing and stay till close?’

‘You could have left much earlier than closing, for how you’ve been there since I woke up.’ he pointed out, hoping she took his tone as gentle.

She almost-immediately went offline after that, something that stung but Sage hoped meant she had gone to bed. She popped up closer to 1500. ‘I don’t feel like talking about it, right now.’

He retracted any prodding. ‘Just want to go to bed?’

‘I’m exhausted. Lots of people to dance with’

He couldn’t help a small smile at that. ‘Did you enjoy it, at least?’

‘Yeah’

They kept that sort of idle chatter up as she bused home, ate dinner, and proceeded to collapse into bed. Sage, meanwhile, filed away her not wanting to talk about it; he didn’t know when she would open up about it, but he wanted to make sure to hold some sort of space for her to feel safe doing so. To keep being there for her. They’d spent Valentine’s Day talking and simply spending time with each other, something that had ended up distracting Sage from how Cye, Rowen, and Ryo had spent the day with their significant others, and Kento had been busy at the restaurant.

Sage hadn’t been taken on that holiday since he was eighteen. He’d missed having someone to lavish attention on, especially now that everyone else was pairing up without him. And he didn’t want to admit this little withholding of information stung, slightly. But he was determined to wait.

It was Saturday morning—Friday night for her— before she settled down, Kure tugging on Kourin like she wanted to say something important.

‘There’s something else I wanted to tell you,’ she said. ‘About the dancing I do’

He swallowed down a lump in his throat of unknown origin. ‘Oh?’

‘It’s… not for fun. Well, it is fun, but.’ Her chat bubble popped up and down as she typed. ‘It’s… work. I’m working, when I dance. And taking my clothes off.’

He blinked at that. ‘Pardon?’

‘Stripping’ 

He paused at that. He knew she wanted an answer—Kure was squirming in the connection, waiting to see what his reaction would be; if he’d hate her. 

He didn’t. But he also didn’t know what he felt at that admission.

‘You’ve mentioned how much you enjoy it, whenever you… work.’

Her yoroi exhaled like an unwound spring. ‘I do like it. It’s why I do it even when I’m making plenty of money and could ask you for anything I need’

He had to smile at that, however slight. ‘You could.’

‘It’s why I was able to change jobs’ she continued. ‘Stripping gave me confidence, it told me I could get money for my skills, and I even ended up the a rate that’s similar to what I’d make in a shift’

‘I’m glad to hear that.’

And he was.

But the thought she was out grinding on men for money _unsettled_ him. He heard how men talked about women. He heard how they spoke about provocative women, too, and he didn’t want that for Alexa. 

She was quiet, for awhile. Awkwardly so. He didn’t know what he wanted to ask, what would result in a situation that would make her feel disliked for what was, in the end, her own choice.

‘If you want to talk about it to somebody else…’ she began, ‘I did tell Rowen earlier in the week so you’d have somebody to talk to who wasn’t Tessa. In case you were scared of saying the wrong thing around her and facing her dragon temper lol’

‘I’m not angry.’ he said, offering Kourin as proof and as a place for her to settle in. ‘I want you happy, and if this makes you happy, then I’m glad.’

Kure nestled against the surface of his yoroi, not daring to go any deeper in case it was a facade. ‘Thanks’

He didn’t know if it was a facade, himself, but he didn’t want it to be. He didn’t want to have to talk about this, either, but… 

He navigated to Rowen’s conversation. ‘So I heard you found out Alexa was a stripper before me.’

His brother wouldn’t be up for hours, and Sage needed a little more information from Alexa before he could figure out what he felt, anyway. ‘What about it do you enjoy the most?’

They talked a little bit, him finding out how much she loved attention, the massages people paid her to perform on her—he had to admit to himself he was a _little_ jealous other men got to touch her, not like he’d ever say two words about that to her—and the conversations she’d have, and the body confidence she’d gotten. 

He also found out about the personal strength she’d had to cultivate exerting her boundaries, something that made him both proud and revulsed. She could learn that in other environments, he was sure, even if she insisted she couldn’t.

They had just begun moving on to other topics—something relaxing before she had to go to sleep—when Rowen popped up.

‘she was worried about how you’d react.’ 

He tried not to let that sting. He tried to tell himself it was just her trauma, and not anything he had done to earn her mistrust. ‘To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it.’

‘It...is a bit difficult to understand.’ he started. ‘mostly, I think, because we can’t possibly understand it like she does. we haven’t been starved. we haven’t been punished for our good looks’ His next message poked fun at Sage’s frequent predicament. ‘for the most part. not sure if fanclubs count’ He went back to serious. ‘but...she *has* been more confident, lately. and it’s given her a sense of independence she needs, right now. if this is how she chooses to face her demons, can we really begrudge her that?’

He shifted from his desk to his bed, knowing any sort of homework wasn’t getting done while this conversation was happening. 'The handful of stories she told me about her customers make me wish she had found a safer place to do it. A place she's not constantly assaulted'

Tenku transmitted the sense of a raised eyebrow. ‘is it assault if it’s consensual?’

Sage bristled at the thought _Rowen_ was implying she was asking for the full extent of what she received. 'Men trying to reach what they're reaching to the point she had to learn how to pin their hands and dance away doesn't sound consensual to me.'

‘that was part of her choice when she took on the job’ he responded levelly. ‘technically speaking, people coming at you with bamboo sticks is as much an assault. or is that different because it’s socially accepted as a sport?’

'It's not sexual assault.’ he snapped back. ‘Which she is experiencing on the regular.'

Where was this coming from, in Rowen’s mind? Since when did he play devil’s advocate around _this_ topic?

‘you’re going to hate me for saying it, but there’s such a thing as exposure therapy’

That, as Rowen would say, came out of left field. 'What do you mean?'

‘everyone copes with trauma or hard experiences differently. everyone deals with fear differently. some people, with time and exposure to the thing they fear, are able to overcome it’ he explained. ‘she told you herself she had been regaining her confidence, doing this. Right?’ He continued once Kourin agreed. ‘in many ways, whether she knows it or not, she’s confronting a number of her fears all at once, on her own terms’

That still didn’t address what made Sage uncomfortable about the whole thing. 'She's still exposing herself to needless danger.'

She was out, late at night, with a bunch of questionable men. She always bused home. She would have a few hundred dollars of cash on her, and even though the mashou could get her out of danger, it was still a risk he doubted any of the Ronin would take.

‘and you aren’t, when you do kendo? you don’t take precautions to minimize the risk?’ he shot back. ‘or how about when you go speeding down a track at 300+ km an hour?’

He narrowed his eyes at the screen. 'that's different.'

‘is it really, though?’ 

'Despite appearances I'm not on display and not for sale'

‘and despite appearances, neither is she’ Tenku broadcast the smirk he had at the conversation. ‘or...is that what you’re worried about? that she’s going to find someone else’

So that’s what this was. Another probe into his love life. He ignored the first part of the comment, in part out of shame he _hadn’t_ realized this work said nothing about her availability to others. 

'She's not.'

Curiosity drove Rowen’s next words. ‘and what makes you so sure of that?’

'She wouldn't date a customer and personally praises the men who don't enter, or don't get dances out of loyalty to partners. She distrusts all the men she dances for'

‘I never said she would find one of *them*’ he responded, trying to bait some sort of comment and pointing out how Alexa could very well find someone. 

'Apologies. I thought this conversation was limited to her club activities' 

That was all he would tell Rowen. Despite the hints of anxiety Sage felt on the topic, he was determined to let Alexa’s relationship happen organically—minus stopping her from partnering with abusers. That was where he would meddle, but only there. Otherwise, his lips were sealed. 

He’d promised Alexa, for how they saw the transparent attempt at set-ups, he wouldn’t give the others an ounce of material to make her life miserable. After she’d been coerced into a relationship, she’d wanted a reiteration of that commitment—one Sage was happy to give.

‘if that’s how you want it, sure’ Rowen said, playing by Sage’s rules. ‘so, if what she’s doing is no different from what you do, why does it upset you?’

'It doesn't.'

‘you sure about that?’ he said with a meaningful poke at Kourin. 

He smoothed down his hackles; Rowen’s stubbornness had generated more irritation at _him_ than Alexa’s profession, and there was no sense in adding more ammunition to Rowen’s game. 'It seems to make her happy and that's good enough for me.'

‘you don’t sound happy about it’

He snorted, finally admitting that Rowen had gotten a point in earlier. 'It hadn't occurred to me our positions are similar. I need to think about it more.'

‘alright. don’t do too much thinking, though. that’s my territory’ Laughter from his teasing over, he continued, ‘she’s gonna be ok, Sage. as much as we would do whatever we can to protect these two, they’re also pretty capable women themselves’

That made Sage smile. 'They are.'


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drugging mention, parental abuse, distorted eating

—8—

‘What time was he supposed to get out, again?’

Rowen glanced absently at the clock on the waiting room wall, doing a mental calculation in order to more accurately answer Alexa’s question. ‘They said he should wake up about fifteen minutes after they finished, which they estimated to be around 1030’

He hadn’t even noticed he’d forgotten the colon in between numbers until he glanced at the message a second time. Either Tessa’s twenty-four hour timekeeping habits were already rubbing off on him, or holding Kourin back with Tenku was taking more concentration than he’d given it credit for.

It really was a good thing he could do that. Gods knew what kind of reactions the doctors would have had if they suddenly found themselves doubling the average dose of anesthetic just to make Sage sleepy. At least once the blond was completely under, Kourin became far less insistent upon removing the drug from his bloodstream.

He found it ironic, really; just under two years ago, they had only been able to theorize how Kourin would respond to anesthetic. They already knew it would clear out alcohol, since it considered that substance a poison (and rightfully so). When Sage had started his sleeping medication, it had taken some time to train Kourin to accept it. So it logically followed that other foreign drugs would fall in the same category.

But then some _bastard_ had actually tested that for them with GHB.

Rowen was more thankful than he could say the yoroi _had_ been able to handle it.

Of course, on the other hand, that was also why he was here now.

He only idly wondered how much sedative one would have to use to completely overwhelm Kourin. Recalling previous events instead had him forcefully pushing his curiosity aside.

‘Have I mentioned how glad I am I already had my wisdom teeth out?’ he said to Alexa instead.

‘I got mine out really young, like sixteen young… it didn’t exactly go well.’

His heart tugged sympathetically to hear that. It was so strange to think how little they still knew about the twins, considering how close they felt due to the armors and their shared escapade last summer. ‘I’m sorry to hear that’

‘I just remember being alone. I’m… glad you can be there for him, because he felt scared when he went under’

Tenku spared a thread of attention from Kourin to smooth over Kure, reassuring her. ‘Even if I couldn’t physically be here, I would never leave him alone like this.’

‘My mom decided that so long as I had a laptop and movies to watch I was fine alone while she did whatever she wanted, so… did I mention I got them out Christmas Eve Day?’ 

He swallowed and stared at that for a couple long seconds. Sometimes he forgot how recently he had moved out of his father’s house. It was the tiny reminders like those—shared experiences of neglect he was still uncovering with Alexa—that brought the reality, jarringly, back to his conscious thought.

Rowen was in the middle of formulating his response to her when he noticed a distinct change in Kourin’s aura. Groggy impressions passed across its surface, like ghosts of dream-like memory caught at the edges of his awareness. Figuring Sage had begun to stir—and that he wouldn’t have, yet, if they hadn’t finished with him—Tenku released his comrade from the loose shield he’d erected.

A nurse stuck her head into the waiting room and called his name shortly thereafter. Following a brief exchange, he deleted the message he had been working on in order to send a different one. 

‘Nurse says he’s waking up, if you want to come over. Or would you rather wait until we got him properly home?’

The little device buzzed against his palm just before he crossed the threshold into the small room where they’d left Sage to recover. ‘I’d. Rather wait. It’s easier to be a random person showing up at his place than at a doctor’s office.’

He could feel through Kure how eager she was to check in on the blond. But that would certainly be easier, with fewer witnesses or questions to answer, in the secluded Date house.

‘I agree.’ he quickly typed, before he would be too busy helping Sage to the car to answer. ‘I’ll let you know when it’s safe to poof over’

That handled, he turned to the room’s only occupant. Rowen brushed the rumpled bangs from Sage’s face by way of a greeting, smiling softly when normally crystalline eyes tried desperately to focus on him but failed. If Kourin was any indication, that wouldn’t last long; but for now, Rowen let himself enjoy babying his friend.

“Ready to get home, Seiji-niichan?”

“Yer enjoyin’ this f’r too much,” was the slurred response.

Rowen laughed, ruffling the blond hair that was still a tad shorter than he’d been used to when they were teens.

“I’swear, you better b’careful with m’car, or—”

“Or you’ll have me scrubbing the dojo floors until I retire, I know,” he humored his friend good-naturedly. “C’mon, let’s get you out of here.”

The forty-five minute drive back from downtown Sendai was predominantly silent. After the expected banter and laughing at Sage’s pseudo-drunken expense, the other Ronin had drifted to sleep with his forehead pillowed on his arm against the window. In between savoring the rare opportunity to drive Sage’s baby, Tenku cast fond glances at the peaceful expression on Kourin’s slumbering face.

Even if it was partly drug-induced, Rowen was glad to see it.

Thankfully, he stirred just before the turn onto his family’s street. He sat up straighter in his seat, rubbing his face wearily but clearly far more lucid than he had been. And it was a good thing, too; strong as he was, Rowen was not relishing the thought of potentially having to carry all six feet of densely-muscled Date out of the car and up the porch stairs.

Fifteen minutes later saw Sage settled comfortably under the covers of his bed, the cotton over his incisions successfully removed and ice pack in hand in an attempt to calm the swelling that had already begun. 

That was how Alexa found him, when she walked through the door after she and Dais had arrived in the house’s main room.

The concern written all over her face made Rowen quickly vacate the seat he occupied on the edge of Sage’s bed. He took up a new position leaning against the wall by the door, as he watched the scene unfold.

“How’s it going?”

There was a teasing note in Sage’s words and tired smile that exhaustion couldn’t hide. “Feels like I took a bokken to the jaw, but otherwise alright. Halo’s taking care of it now that Rowen doesn’t have it on a leash.”

“It was more a precaution than anything,” Rowen explained, shrugging nonchalantly. “Otherwise, the whole thing was uneventful. Doc said it went smoothly, took all of a matter of half an hour.”

He might as well have not been in the room. A meaningful look like the ones the two Ronin typically shared passed between the pair. Moments later, Sage set the ice pack aside and opened his arms to her; she quickly accepted his embrace. “I’m okay.” 

_“She warned me she might have flashbacks to when she had hers out.”_

The fact he offered only that by way of explanation—although entirely valid—still brought more questions to the surface that Rowen couldn’t ask. _“She mentioned she had them out young,”_ he affirmed instead. _“Mid to late teens.”_

 _“And her mother would rather pray than comfort her…”_ Sage said, in a crusty grumble.

 _“Of course,”_ he returned dryly. 

Rowen continued to eyeball Sage, as their hug dragged on without signs of ceasing. Curiously, he questioned, _“Just how lucid are you, exactly?”_

Sage internally laughed, where only Tenku could hear him. _“I have no idea.”_

He hummed suspiciously, but merely kept watching them. After still more time where neither moved, he cleared his throat and broached, “Hungry yet, Sage?”

His brother shook his head. “More like not wanting to move my jaw.”

Alexa shifted as if to get up. “I can leave, if you don’t want to talk, I don’t—”

She was immediately stopped by Sage’s hand gripping her arm to keep her there. His eyes had gone soft, gleaming a pale lilac. “You don’t have to leave.”

Kure relaxed, also softening, and wrapped her arms around him again. “I was worried…”

“I know. It’s alright.” Kourin smoothed a hand up and down Alexa’s back reassuringly. “I’m glad you could make it.”

He was starting to wonder if they had forgotten he was there, or if they just didn’t care. Not that he minded; internally, he sported what Tessa probably would have called a Cheshire Cat grin. While his initial excuse for leaving them to their own devices hadn’t worked out, he was starting to think he really did need one to exit the room.

It occurred to him then that Sage hadn’t drunk anything, yet. While he couldn’t have anything out of a straw, water from a glass was still going to be important to his recovery.

That would be his cover story. When he silently slipped away without a word so as not to draw attention to himself, however, he instead leaned unseen against the wall beside the doorway. Closing his eyes, he focused on Tenku and slowly drew up a filmy shield to—he hoped—muddle his precise location to the rest of the yoroi. It was a theory he’d been working on with admittedly mixed results.

But Tessa wouldn’t let him live it down if he didn’t take this juicy opportunity to get a peek behind the curtain.

Rowen’s luck held out, for now. They didn’t seem to notice, and Sage’s doorway was conveniently located across the hall from a strategically placed mirror.

He settled in to listen.

Or, more accurately for the first couple minutes, watch.

He wasn’t sure who had done it first, but they had pressed their foreheads together as they rested in comfortable silence. Sage’s fingers had tangled through Alexa’s dark locks at the back of her neck; if Rowen had stood at any other angle, they could have appeared to be kissing.

“It’s just your memories.” Sage’s murmur was so low, he almost missed it. “I… I _was_ scared going under, but Rowen was there. I’m almost relieved I have a different experience, now. Even if there is some pain associated with this. Nothing that happened to you can happen to me.”

Alexa was similarly quiet. “It’s hard for me to believe that because so much— I was fine going under, but waking up was hell, and that’s when everything went bad so now I don’t want to leave…”

His hand lifted from her neck to smooth over her lightly-frizzed hair. “What part of it?”

“The fact I got yelled at within five minutes of coming home…”

The minute smile that quirked Sage’s lips held no mirth. “I’m not getting denied painkillers—I’m sure the others would have my head for turning them down, actually. I have Halo. Rowen’s here, Yayoi is a call away, and Satsuki will be home from work shortly. The worst any of them would do is Yayoi commenting I’m going to need extra makeup for all the bruising.”

He was starting to think Sage had only scraped the surface of describing the relationship he’d cultivated with Alexa over the last year. Not that the kendoka was required to tell him anything if he didn’t want to; but now Rowen was slowly starting to understand the rest of the Ronin’s frustrations regarding him and Tessa.

These two were practically wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Yet neither saw it—or wanted to.

And after how Sage had withdrawn from a number of social circles in the last two years, Rowen wanted to bang his head against a wall at seeing this. He couldn’t be as certain about Alexa, of course. But he knew Sage as well as if they had shared the same womb. The Ronin of Light hadn’t behaved like this since Yūsei; it almost looked as if she had cast a spell on him, the way his old aura seemed to be returning.  _‘She’s certainly quite the little witch.’_

More than that, however, it warmed Rowen’s heart to see how much Alexa had grown since they first meet. And with the way he knew exactly how to help her relax, here, he suspected Sage had probably had a large hand in that. Or at least, more influence than he gave himself credit for.

Alexa withdrew some to study his appearance, with a rueful smile. “It’s already pretty bad.”

Tipping his head back, he sighed and said, “Don’t remind me. I’ve heard.”

Alexa’s laugh unwound a knot of tension Rowen hadn’t known he’d been carrying. “It’s not that bad. Just… visible. Halo will probably take care of it.”

Sage had hardly lifted his hand and gingerly touched one jaw before she took his hand in order to stop him. “You’re mostly swollen. It’s going to hurt.”

Violet eyes glanced from their hands to her face, and studied it carefully. “I’ve taken worse. I’m alright.”

Kinkou’s ferocity lay behind her quiet plea. “I don’t _want_ you to take worse…”

He already had. And not all of those hits had come from the Dynasty. Rowen shuddered at the haunting memory that lingered almost directly under his feet, at the long-healed pain that had once flowed through their joined yoroi, and quickly pushed that out of his mind, as well.

“Do you think I’ll look like a chipmunk?”

Her laugh said she was as grateful for the change of direction as Rowen was. “Maybe. It’ll take a few hours for it to completely sink in, though.”

Rowen recognized Sage’s smile, here. It was the one he used when either intentionally indulging his admirers, or pretend-flirting with Rowen. Although…this looked noticeably more natural, without the hint of acting that he knew how to spot better than some stranger on the street. This more resembled actual flirting, as when it had been turned on Yūsei.

…The bastard was outright _flirting_!

And he had had the nerve to deny his attraction to the elder twin. Tenku immediately resolved to take Sage drinking at the next earliest opportunity. They had _much_ to discuss.

“I can send you a picture so you’ll have it when you wake up, if that’ll help you sleep.”

She looked up at him. “I’d like that…”

The kendoka cleared his throat. “I will also take one with less swelling, because… I would rather that _not_ be the last image you see.”

Alexa chuckled. “Sounds good.”

They felt silent. Rowen exhaled a quiet sigh, hardly more than a breath. 

Those two had no idea how much they truly cared for each other. It was only as plain as the electricity that powered Kourin. Whatever hesitations and hang-ups they might have over it, Rowen had faith they would be able to work through them. Hell, he and Tessa had had similar reservations. But life was too short not to try.

As the silence dragged on, Rowen started to realize something was off. There seemed to be more attention in Tenku’s direction, though it was difficult to tell due to his self-imposed partial withdrawal from the connection. A brief tap into his own yoroi explained the possible anomaly, however.

He’d forgotten to account for any emotional spillover, when crafting the strength of his shield.

The scrutiny in his direction intensified. If he didn’t figure something out, the jig would be up. And they would probably be quite upset at him, considering how dodgy Sage had been about just this topic lately.

Just when he thought he would have to retreat to the kitchen or risk discovery, his vision flashed with a brief pulse of white light. 

 _“Perhaps you should leave the eavesdropping for those with experience, Tenku,”_ Natsu rumbled.

It wasn’t the sudden intrusion of Dais’ powers that weirded Rowen out. No, it was the fact the former masho was actively using that power to assist him in spying on his best friend and potential future significant other. The very concept caught Rowen’s otherwise snarky tongue and held fast for long seconds. _“Since when did you have a vested interest in snooping around these two?”_

 _“Since we have all seen how happy he makes her,”_ he said evenly, single eye studying him carefully.

The protectiveness in those words weirded Rowen out even more. It was the same sort of protectiveness he recognized from Kento about his young siblings; from the rest of the Ronin directed at any of the others; from the Ronin to the twins. 

 _“But they will get suspicious if you’re out much longer,”_ Dais continued, before stepping into Sage’s doorway and then across the threshold.

It was only then Rowen caught a glimpse of the mashou carrying a plate of cookies in one hand and a bowl of rice pudding in the other.

 _‘...I swear everything involving them just gets more and more weird as time passes.’_   

He sighed, then moved to the kitchen to fill a glass with water like he’d originally intended.

Dais had stolen Rowen’s former place leaning against the wall by the time he returned. Alexa and Sage were chatting quietly but animatedly, sitting side by side. Both had conveniently ignored the available chair tucked neatly beneath Sage’s desk.

He plunked the glass down on it gently, slipping a napkin between it and the well-worn wood. “When you get the chance, you should try to drink something. Halo or not, you need the hydration.”

“Arigato,” the blond murmured. Alexa passed the glass to him when he indicated he wanted some now. He drank carefully, wincing at something—probably the taste of blood—before spitting the mouthful back out into the glass.

Rowen sighed, anticipating having to take the glass back so he could replace it with _fresh_ water.

But Alexa had already plucked it from Sage’s hand. There wasn’t an ounce of malice or rudeness—only concern and care that subtly creased her forehead. “You should be rinsing your mouth out with saline.”

He glanced between the pair for the umpteenth time, raising an eyebrow at the display. “I see I’m not needed here. Alexa’s got you covered,” he gently teased his friend, patting Sage on the arm affectionately.

Kourin was not nearly as amused as Tenku.

As Alexa left to (presumably) make the solution, Sage’s gaze turned sharply on Rowen. _“If you say two words about this to her you will be dealing with me.”_

 _“Never stopped me before,”_ were the first flippant words out of his mind. _“And no, I won’t. To_ her _.”_ He narrowed his eyes at Sage, nearly matching the intensity in those violet irises. _“But when you’re up to drinking again, don’t think I’m going to forget.”_  

They held each other’s gaze stubbornly. Rowen searched Sage’s carefully for clues as to his true mental state, and found eyes clouded only by the fringed edges of pain. The anesthetic had mostly worn off, and the painkillers were beginning to dull, as well. Kourin was about as lucid as he could be, right now, in Rowen’s estimation.

He wondered if Sage realized that.

_“If you insist.”_

Smirking, he lightly punched Sage in the shoulder with a loose fist. “I think the drugs are getting to you more than you want to admit, Niisan.”

Kourin exhaled as Alexa returned with two glasses of water, one faintly cloudier than the other. Sage quietly accepted them from her while Rowen stepped back to give them space. 

Once he had sat up and rinsed his mouth, the blond admitted, “I think going under was more frightening than I gave it credit for…”

“Have you ever had surgery before?” Alexa asked quietly.

He shook his head. “Not since Halo. I’ve been unconscious once and drugged once, but never both at the same time.” A wince passed across his face as he cautiously stretched his jaw. “I’ve also got to teach it not to re-grow my teeth, for how it tends to want to return my body to its previous state, so it can’t dull the pain as much.”

She lifted her hand to Sage’s face, brushing the backs of her fingers lightly along his jaw. Rowen was going to turn his head away and surreptitiously watch out of the corner of his eye—but then Kure tapped into Kourin’s healing magic. The archer’s eyes widened as that energy coalesced under her hand, and the muscles of Sage’s face immediately slackened. 

_‘Wait. What…what just happened?’_

Something about that display of power gnawed at the back of his brain. He had a feeling he would be doing some digging into what little information they had on Kinkou, when he next had a free minute.

“You should rest…”

Rowen defaulted to his usual snark to keep things from turning awkward. “Yeah, we’ve gotten you monologuing. Need to save all your hot air for the next foolish heroes to stop by.” 

They broke out into laughter, although Sage winced a little and lifted a hand to his jaw again with the motion. Even Dais mustered a chuckle, from where Rowen had forgotten he stood beside the doorway. But the fact neither Alexa nor Sage deigned to offer the usual quips—perhaps about how Tessa had been rubbing off on him, or how only villains monologued and Sage was not a villain—spoke volumes in the following quiet.

Sage looked up at Alexa. Rowen was suddenly struck with the thought that that wasn’t a situation he was sure they ever found themselves in. After all, the former was nearly half a foot taller than the latter. “You should go to bed.”

The girl caved, but not before hugging him tightly again. “I had to make sure you were okay.”

He hugged her in return. “I’m alright enough.”

“I’ll work my magic on him, don’t worry,” Rowen said softly. He reached a hand out to pat her back, and smiled reassuringly when she turned to look at him for confirmation of that truth.

She returned his hug readily, then grabbed a few more cookies before leaving to find Dais and head home.

Rowen laid a hand on Sage’s arm in preparation to help him to sleep. “You realize you’re lucky you just came out of surgery, right now. This conversation isn’t over.”

He only hummed noncommittally. The firm set to his expression was less pronounced due to the strain on his jaw, but the meaning was still unmistakable to Rowen: _‘Good luck trying_ that _.’_

Shaking his head, he at last let the matter rest for the day. “Sweet dreams.”

Tenku hardly required any exertion to achieve its desired effect. Rowen merely nudged Kourin, and Sage’s eyes drifted closed in peaceful slumber.

—0—

The first thing out of Rowen’s mouth when he came back from helping Sage was, “Cye, how soon after wisdom teeth surgery can Sage drink alcohol?”

Considering Kure had visited shortly after Sage had come out of said surgery, there could only be _one_ reason for that question.

Cye measured his words carefully, using the excuse of being wrapped up in his studying and having problems changing topics; considering his finals had already passed, that was a poor excuse at best. “A week, at least.”

Rowen gave a single firm nod. “So four days. Got it.”

Cye smirked internally. The answer for a normal person was closer to forty-eight hours.

Kento popped his head out from the kitchen. “Did I hear “taking Sage drinking”?”

Rowen kicked his shoes off and replaced them with slippers. “If you saw how he and Alexa looked at each other today, and then heard Sage deny it, you probably would want to do the same.”

And that was why Cye had purposely muddled the truth; while it _was_ possible that it could take a long time to heal from dental surgery, it was an abnormality instead of the norm. Sage, however, would need as much time as possible to formulate a conversation. He’d admitted to Cye that he loved Alexa. He wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone else. 

While Kento and Rowen continued their back and forth, plotting to get Sage and Alexa together, Cye navigated to his email and checked through it. Between EMT scheduling, financial aid, and various spam emails, he almost missed one from an unfamiliar but extremely important name. The only real reason it jumped out at him was the English.

Catherine Halsey, the attorney Alexa had retained.

He opened it, reading a polite greeting before she cut straight to the point. Rupert— Deborah’s defender, a _very_ well-known lawyer in Canada if Alexa was to be believed— had filed a motion about how his testimony regarding Alexa’s medical state might not reach judicial rigour. He was, in particular, challenging Cye’s commentary towards the long-term malnourishment that had to be happening for her body based off her near-skeletal appearance. Cye had been the one to spot Deborah’s disturbing pattern of restricting food and abandoning Alexa whenever the woman’s sleep was encroached upon. Catherine agreed with Cye it sounded like attempted murder, and they had been working on gathering evidence to add to the charges ever since.

The end of the email contained a request that was phrased like a friendly prompt to come visit, but Cye knew was anything but.

He needed to talk to the judge, or the case would stall.

He exhaled at that, looking at summer vacation coming up in a few weeks. He’d _had_ plans to visit his mother and spend as much time with her in what little they likely had left, and visit Sachiko after last summer hadn’t worked out, but he didn’t know how long presenting his case and credentials would take. His mother was too sick to fly, and Sachiko hadn’t yet been completely introduced to the trial.

It had been a year since all of this started, almost exactly, and already there was an attempted sabotage of the case. She had only been formally extradited and charged in February, after fighting extradition every step of the way, and the trial should’ve gotten started next year at the latest.

This didn’t bode well.

He raked a hand through his hair, leaning his chair back on two legs. “There goes my summer vacation.”

The two schemers stopped. “What’s up?” Kento asked.

He thunked his chair back down. “Catherine’s ‘wondering’ if I can come meet the judge to determine if my testimony qualifies as expert.”

“Damn,” Rowen said. “Did Deborah’s lawyer file that?”

Cye nodded.

“Bastard.”

“Need some help with your ticket?”

Cye closed his eyes. “I’ll see. Thanks, Kento.”

Rowen stood where he’d been leaning against the wall. “Does Alexa know yet?”

Cye could only half-heartedly shrug. “I have no idea. I got the email directly from Catherine.”

Kento still hadn’t returned to cooking. Dinner was on his head, tonight. “Should we tell her?”

Cye just stared at the email. “Catherine might have, already. But if I want to stay with her while I’m in Canada, we have to at least let her know.”

They looked between each other, at that, but didn’t question him.

He flicked to the conversation of the girl at the centre of the storm, debating telling her while she was still asleep. Their last conversation about wisdom teeth and anaesthetic hung, an extra edge to her words from her usual anxiety. “I’m worried about her.”

Rowen flopped on the couch, making it look more like a chair from his height. His arm draped over the back, him reclining along the length. “Something happen? Or just a feeling?”

Kento asked Rowen what he wanted for dinner on his way back to the stove, half-exiting the conversation while Cye thought. 

“She hasn’t been responding well to the concept her mom _actively_ tried to kill her,” he said with unease. He’d been watching the slow descent into the beginnings of isolating behaviour, something that seemed to be at least partially related to Sage’s feelings for her. The more Kourin reached out, the more she was quiet. Which, ironically, only made the parallels between her and Sage stronger. “She also seems to not know how to… handle having support.” 

“So she should move into Mia’s place,” Kento replied, only half joking about the concept.

Cye quirked a smile. “The mashou seem to be visiting her once every few days, at least. They cook for her.”

She hadn’t been responding particularly well to their comments she needed to eat more, either, but that was a worry that was too private to her for him to speak about with her permission.

Rowen was pensive at that. “I guess that _would_ serve the same purpose that moving in with Mia did for us.”

“She alternates between asking me for recipes and feeling like she shouldn’t need the help to eat.” He exhaled, air leaving him like a tide. “And call it reading between the lines, but I’m _positive_ she’s feeling guilty about the trial.”

Rowen looked at him strangely. “Because of our support.” 

He could pick up on his friend’s hidden meaning; she was uncomfortable from the financial support and credit card tied to Sage’s account, to the late nights they had spent talking to her. “After her mother refused to give her more than the bare minimum _at best_ … I’m not surprised.”

Tenku sighed and dropped his head back on the armrest. “What’re the odds she’ll catch on faster than Sage did?”

“Not good.” He rubbed the side of his leg, all of them remembering the two years of living together it had taken for Sage to _begin_ believing they were there for him. “I’m sure she’ll feel terrible at how much time this will take. She’s been asking about my EMT schedule for the summer, any residencies… which is pointing to the fact she’s had this suspicion for awhile. She’s been a wreck over evidence since the beginning, as well.”

Rowen snorted. “I think we all are…” He left the space behind the words empty, all of them nervous around how the yoroi could be revealed with one misstep. “You’re right, though—she’s told me a bit about things she notices in her forensics shows that, coincidentally, are just about the same as what we’re all dealing with.” 

He paused a moment before shaking his head. “She doesn’t believe anything will stick. I… think she’s struggling to come to terms with putting her mother away for potentially the rest of her natural life.”

Rowen nodded as Kento came out with food, sitting down once the other two had their bowls. “As much as we think she deserves it…I can understand why.” 

Cye hadn’t expected himself to be so angry with Alexa’s situation. Part of him knew it was hold over from Sage’s, then Rowen’s experiences. But Alexa’s situation had a twist of _pure evil_ to it that brought heat to his voice. “Her mother tried to _kill her_ but Alexa is too focused on the paper-thin support as proof for why charges such as ‘attempted murder’ are too hurtful. She’s back to thinking she’s exaggerating it all.”

“And in her mind, right now, twenty-odd years of lies still weigh more heavily than one year of truth,” Kento murmured back. “If someone grew up being told the sky was green, and one day someone came along and said no, it’s actually blue, you’d be skeptical too.”

He nodded. “I was thinking one of us should go see her over the summer, regardless. Even though she was considering coming to Japan for Sage’s World Championship, more company can only help.”

Rowen and Kento looked at each other. 

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Kento drawled.

“If that’s “Sage should go”, then yes.”

Cye laughed. “I think she’d have his head for skipping on his training.”

Rowen raised a knowing eyebrow. “There’s a dojo in the city run by a eighth dan. I don’t think Sage will have a problem keeping up his training.”

Cye thought about that. Rowen had a point, but Alexa was a master at finding reasons to deny everything—especially in regard to Sage. “She might be too afraid of any potential retaliation by his jiisama to live with herself, even if she were to know that. Everything is reminding her of abuse, at present.”

“I’ll retaliate _him_ if he tries,” Kento muttered.

Rowen glanced at Cye with a borderline exasperated look, the same one he gave Sage when Kourin was dancing around the topic. “So…you should go, then?” 

“I have to, regardless.” He sighed, one hand going to rub his temple. “The longer I delay, the longer the trial deferral goes on, and the longer all of us are in limbo.”

“And the sooner they wear down Alexa’s will to fight.” Rowen jammed more than ran his fingers through his hair, already-spiked hair now sticking out at odd, some would call amusing, angles. “I never thought I’d wish the Pacific Ocean would simply disappear. It would make this far easier on everyone.”

He nodded. “She seems a little ashamed of her home. I’m… hoping I could see if she needs anything. And give her a larger rice cooker for when we visit again,” Cye said with a light laugh

Kento flashed a grin. “You mean one bigger than a bento box?”

Rowen laughed. “Only you would call a half-kilo of rice a snack, Kento.”

“Oh, you wanna go at it, Twiggy? I’ve seen you eat that much in basically one bite.”

Cye was about to laugh along with his friends before a thought struck him. The single biggest fear Alexa had was being an _outlier_. “Do you think that hearing about how much we eat will help her feel less alone?”

Kento considered that for a moment before shrugging. “Worth a shot, at least,” he said eventually. “I mean… Ma would have a heart attack if she knew how little she eats, probably.”

Cye narrowed his eyes at the concept of mothers and food in the same sentence for reasons that had nothing to do with Kento’s loving family. “ _I_ have heart problems when I hear how little she eats.”

“We all do, Cye,” Rowen replied. “We all do.”

“Think Sage would turn into lightning and strike Deborah himself, if he could,” Kento said, half teasing. 

Cye smirked. “Are you forgetting he’s already tried?”

“He missed the first time.”

Rowen gestured with his hand, threatening to drip sauce on the couch from his chopsticks. “To be fair, he hadn’t exactly slept.”

Cye couldn’t help a creeping feeling of dread. “Here’s hoping she doesn’t do anything to provoke him again, and this delay is the only one filed.”

“As long as she stays behind bars, I don’t think she’ll have to worry,” Kento muttered.

That was less comfort than it should’ve been. “We already know she can teleport.”

“But would she risk it when we’ve already established how much this cult doesn’t want to put their abilities in the limelight. They’re in the same position we are, fighting a puppet war through the courts—because we already won the physical fight,” Rowen said firmly. “It’s too late for them.”

“I hope you’re right, Touma.” Cye shook his head. “I really hope you are.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: alcohol, whorephobia, attempted assault mention

—~—

Sage made sure to delay Rowen’s forced drinking date till Saturday. While his jaw had healed days ago in no small part thanks to Kourin—and, if he was completely honest, Kure’s manipulation of it when he was still too pain fogged to control it besides suppression—he wanted to wait.

Because he had a message to send to Alexa, one that he had been procrastinating on. He didn’t want to kick up her anticipation anxiety even more strongly, after the news Cye’s testimony was being called into question _and_ Sage’s own potential legal problems coming to light at the same time.

‘Do you feel comfortable with me telling Rowen how I feel about you?’

Even though he’d gotten an answer back last September, it had been nearly a year since and her opinion might have changed. For how it was still only 19:00 in Tokyo, therefore 8:00 in Ottawa, Rowen would have at _least_ an hour wait before any sort of answer.

This bode poorly for Rowen’s hangover tomorrow. And Sage had already made up his mind to not heal it. He was completely and utterly bringing it upon himself.

“Sooo…” Rowen began, swirling the sake in his glass and studying Sage carefully. “How’s Alexa taking the news? About Cye.”

Sage tensed his jaw, still newly-recovered enough he could appreciate that. “Her emotional reactivity from the past month makes more sense, now.”

Rowen sipped his sake slowly. “That’s incredibly noncommittal, for someone who knows exactly when she wakes up and goes to sleep every day.”

Now it was Sage’s turn to swirl the sake in his glass. “I value her privacy.”

“Like you valued mine ‘n Tessa’s?” Rowen replied in a deadpan.

He smirked at how easily his brother had walked into that one. “Like giving you as much time alone as possible?”

Rowen gave him a narrow-eyed glare before he took another shot. “If I recall correctly, there were numerous references t’ “just get it over with”. The othahs, especially, were not subtle.”

He drank half a shot. “I recall letting you do whatever you wished.”

“But you also knew how to nudge me.”

The way he watched Sage implied this was payback for all of those nudges. Sage simply raised his glass towards him. “As any older brother should do.” 

And the way he now drank a shot indicated he knew that Sage was telling him that younger siblings shouldn’t do it for older. 

“Well, guess Cye’s been slacking then.” Rowen smirked. “So y’get me instead.”

Sage’s voice lowered. Cye wasn’t the only one who had gotten an email from Catherine, but his was of a completely different nature. “Or the two of us are more concerned with the trial than you, Kento, or Ryo.”

The alcohol was already affecting him deeper than his voice let on, for the heat now in his tone. “Bullshit. I’m in a relationship with one of th’ defendants. S’only a matter of time before they come after me, too. What ‘xactly are yah getting at, Sage?”

He took a shot, mostly from the thought of what he was about to say. “I’m paying for the trial in the name of a woman who’s a sex worker in a country where _paying_ for sex is illegal.”

He went silent at that, frowning into his glass and alcohol-rusted gears slowly turning in his head. “So Rupert’s aftah you, too, now?”

Sage nodded. “Catherine has warned me that the wrong action could place _me_ on trial, should the Japanese government agree to extradite me. Considering paying for sex is also a crime here, however technically, they likely would.”

“But bein’ ‘n a relationship with ah foreigner isn’t,” he pointed out.

He knocked back another mouthful of sake, the conversation with Catherine playing back in his mind. “With how absolutely _puritan_ her mother is, she will assume a relationship makes it even more likely.”

He gave a long-suffering sigh, emptying his glass before refilling it. 

They had been talking long enough for Alexa to wake up. His phone buzzed in his pocket, revealing a new message from her. ‘How stubborn is he being?’

He quickly typed out a reply. ‘We’re an order of sake in and he has sworn to not leave the bar until he gets an answer’

‘Would you heal his hangover?’

He internally smirked. ‘No’

Tenku was simply staring at him. “Tha’s her, isn’ it?”

Alexa had only _just_ replied at the same time, that and Kure indicating her worry. ‘Would he ask me anything?’

Kourin soothed those anxieties down.‘I would make sure he did not’

At least she sounded vaguely amused with that. ‘What’s his alcohol tolerance?’

Now Kourin laughed. ‘About two orders of sake before he won’t remember’

A sense of a sigh dropped the mood down, but her black humour kept it light. ‘Is it mean I want him to get to that point before you tell him?’

‘Potentially, yes.’

Rowen tapped his fingers on the table impatiently, knowing his own plan to have a conversation required this conversation to finish before he could continue. 

‘He’d do it again, wouldn’t he?’

Kure betrayed her terror, with those words. For how much trouble they were dealing with already, and how much she hated teasing or plots or anything that felt coercive, the thought of Rowen knowing—which would, in turn, lead to her sister knowing—was sending her curled up and raw.

She had enough to deal with. Meddling with her love life was only going to make everything worse. And he could tell she was only going along with it because she felt like it was inevitable people would find out… just like her mother always found out what she was doing and would proceed to abuse her.

He’d promised then to protect her from prying eyes into their friendship. He couldn’t let himself break under the pressure.

‘I can see how he’d respond to me saying you don’t want me to say.’

‘Would you?’

Kure had already broadcast her flood of relief at the thought some aspect of her privacy could be maintained. ‘In a heartbeat, if it makes you happy.’

‘Thank you’

The minute he pocketed his phone, Rowen piped up. “Done confessin’ yet, Lovah Boi?”

He tried to avoid turning a steely gaze on his brother. “You will never get the answer from me.”

Rowen pursed his lips, studying him and slowly nursing his sake. At seeing how unwavering it was, he sighed. “I don’ need to know. All I want fah ya is t’be honest with y’self.” He poked him. “I know ya, Seiji. Yah’ll tell yaself you ain’t feel how ya do because yah’r scared. ‘Nd believe me—I know how it feels.” He took another mouthful. “Why’d ya think it took everyone else’s proddin’ fah me t’tell Tess how I truly felt? I’s terrified. Terrified ‘f rejection, ‘f not being right f’her, ‘f _hurtin’_ her”

Sage knocked back half his glass. “She wants no proding, no prying, no nothing. And I promised I’d make sure nobody would receive the ammunition to do so.”

He had to admit. It was a little painful to do so. Rowen was supposed to know everything about him, and after ripping off the bandage around his assault, he’d realized how much of a wall this was becoming between them. 

And… he was afraid. Afraid in ways he didn’t even want to admit. He hadn’t had enough sake to even come close to talking about those feelings, yet.

Rowen took long moments to think about his next words. “What’s she afraid of? You two obviously hit it off, so why not try? ‘S been a yea’h.” He knocked back the rest of his shot. “Hell, Imma ‘bout ta ask her sistah—a woman in th’ ‘Merican military—t’ marry me. ‘N I ain’t plannin’ a weddin’ to ya shinai, or Kourin, or any ‘f that otha bullshit. You deserve bettah. These women are th’ only two in th’ ningenkai that understand what we’ve been through.” He turned serious—more serious, anyway— staring into his empty glass. “I hesitated tellin’ Tessa b’cuz I thought we wah bringin’ them inta somethin’ too dangerous, that they couldn’t handle it. _Fuck_ , Sage, I nearly killed Tessa once a’ready. I dunno what I’d do, if…”

He was quiet at that. Rowen hadn’t spoken much about Sage’s dating life since his assault, but the grains of protectiveness had cropped up in all the affectionate nudging, now laid bare from a mix of alcohol and exasperation. 

But Alexa had reason to be afraid.  “Her last relationship was coerced. External pressure from her ex girlfriend to just get together with her, already. How obvious it was they had chemistry. Her mother would manipulate her relationships the same way, persuading her or dissuading her based off her own whims.” He glanced up at Rowen. “Which, in her mind, is exactly what you’re doing.”

His forehead hit the bar at that. He straightened his spine only to drink more alcohol. “So...how d’ya propose we handle that, hm? Jus’. Sit back ‘n watch you two dance ‘round th’issue for ‘nother two, five, twenty years?” His fist lightly thumped against the bar, heat creeping into his tone. “How c’n you two ‘spect t’be honest wi’ ‘ch othah if y’can’ even be honest with yaself?”

That got part of Sage to bristle, before the feeling deflated. While he had been honest with Alexa and Cye, he hadn’t with Rowen. 

He was supposed to trust this man. He also had a responsibility to Alexa.

“Promise me she hears nothing from you _or_ Tessa,” he said quietly. “And I’ll tell you the truth”

Rowen nodded vigorously. 

That out of the way, Sage reached out to the woman who had become his next-closest friend. _“I’ve made him promise to not talk to you and not send Tessa to you, about it.”_

She paused, faint sense of betrayal mixed with relief in Kure. _“I…_ am _a little tired of hiding it.”_

_“So am I.”_

Still, fear ruled her. _“He really won’t?”_

_“I trust him with my life, Togei. He won’t. You’re safe.”_

She calmed at the nickname he had begun using for her, after she’d introduced him to her favourite song: Porcelain by Marianas Trench. The Japanese term for porcelain had rolled off his tongue as a reminder she was perfect, as a reminder she could heal.

“I confessed my feelings to her last September—”

“SEPTEMBER??” 

Sage tried not to laugh and draw _more_ attention to themselves, for how loud that interruption had been. He had to admit, he’d been relishing any potential confession to see _how badly_ Rowen would react to that little piece of information. 

He licked his lips to sober himself, remembering her emotions at the time. “She was _terrified_ she would lead me on, that she would be expected to go out with me after we had been partnered at the championship dinner. The woman who would become her ex was already pressuring her, and she was bristling at the concept we would be ‘dates’. She wanted to enjoy herself, and she’d already felt like we were too close. I told her that despite my romantic feelings for her, I wouldn’t take any of her actions as a ‘sign’ we were about to date. Anything to make her comfortable, especially considering the situation.”

Kourin communicated it was more ‘her fragile mental health’ than any sort of set up between Rowen and Tessa. All of her emotions had been more intense after her attempt, and fear that she would ruin a friendship was near the top of the list.

He turned thoughtful at that, tapping the base of his glass on the bartop. “Well...how’d she take yah confessin’?”

Sage shrugged. “She seemed to believe it was more a response to her recent struggles than anything genuine.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Did ya let her believe that?” 

“Of course,” Sage replied with an incline of his head. “She only wants to be friends. My feelings are inconsequential.”

Rowen was going to get blackout drunk any minute now, for how many glasses he’d taken in the past ten minutes. “S’tha truly how ya feel, Seiji? Honestly?” 

His brother knew Sage was holding out on him.

Sage knocked back his sake. “I want her in my life whatever form that takes. And…” He swallowed and refilled his glass and repeated the motion, numbing Kourin so he could get the thought on the edge of his consciousness out in the open. “I can’t have somebody know s’much about me.”

“You’re willin’ to tell Yusei, back when.”

He bristled at the reminder of his ex. “That was _different_.” 

“Is it?” Rowen snapped back. His tone was biting and challenging from the alcohol, from frustration at Sage’s refusal to give a straight answer. “Yah both ended up in a relationship out ‘f a friendship.”

He looked away, thinking back to his first relationship. Thinking back to the last year they had been together, as they started planning a future together. The plans that had driven them apart, neither refusing to compromise. “I trusted him.”

The raised eyebrow demanded Sage stop hiding. 

“I trusted Yusei.”

“You dun trust Alexa.” 

That was more statement than question, disbelief thick in his voice. 

As much as he _hated_ the thought, he still shook his head to confirm that no, he didn’t trust the woman he loved. His crush on her was in many ways escapist, as real as his feelings were. After she had put on the brakes, he hadn’t explored anything other than fantasies… which didn’t require thinking about their in-person friendship.

Rowen propped his chin on his hand. “Why?”

He thought back to Itsurō. How a year of casual friendship hadn’t protected him. Alexa’s ex, how two years of friendship hadn’t protected her. “We hardly know each other.”

Rowen straightened his spine. “‘N you won’t get t’know each other better ‘f yah’re not honest wi’ each other.”

Sage grit his teeth. “I _can’t afford_ another Itsurō.”

His hand gripped his shoulder, both in comfort and to try and chase away ghosts. “No one can. But if _anyone_ c’n help yah heal from him, s’her. You two understand each other like no one else Ah’ve e’er seen you with, outside ‘f th’others. You’re both learnin’ to heal, and no matter how messy that gets it’s still better to work together than alone.”

He let that wash over him, chasing down the bitterness of his memories with another shot. He continued to dull Kourin’s effects, buzz of alcohol beginning to make itself known. For all he didn’t trust himself, he trusted Rowen. “D’ _you_ trust ‘er?”

“Tessa does, ‘n even if I _didn’t_ trust ‘Lexa, I trust her sistah.” He tipped his glass, slowly swirling the alcohol within. “But aftah the way Ah’ve seen ya two look at each othah, ‘n everythin’ with her mom ‘n shit… Yeah. Yeah, I trust her.” He grinned. “Wouln’ be tryin’na get ya together so much if I didn’.”

There was a certain haunting feeling nagging at the back of his mind, something that had sabotaged every interaction with outsiders since he’d left the protective bubble of living with the Ronin in high school.

“I don’t know how to trust her.”

“How d’ya trust me?”

He froze at that. How could he _not_?

Rowen’s arrow had been their light of hope in the War. After, he had pulled Sage away from a train, saved him from assault, and been the air in his lungs when they were filling with blood. Out of all of his brothers, Rowen had been the one who caught him the most overtly each time he fell. 

He didn’t know where to _begin_ replicating that.

“I’ve never thought about it.”

Rowen’s smile didn’t reach his eyes before he took another mouthful. “Guess you’ve gotta lot t’think ‘bout, then.”

He knew he should. Knew he _needed_ to examine his friendship with both girls, for how he had pointedly ignored how he felt about either of them since he’d started telling them about his mental health. Alexa had needed an anchor so desperately he had shut down his discomfort and simply sat beside her in the darkness he knew so well.

The darkness constantly threatening to strangle him, just as it threatened to strangle her. 

As friends, he could disconnect, regroup, be weak away from her. As lovers… he had to be strong. He had to provide and he had to be a samurai. He had to protect her. And he didn’t know if he’d be able to rise to that bar. She needed somebody who could.

Sage looked away and knocked back another shot. “She dese’ves some’ody s’much better tha me.”

Now, Rowen glared. “Says the guy spoilin’ her like anythin’ and everythin’ she could evah want or need. Y’already treatin’ her like a queen. Start actin’ like th’ king we know ya are, Sensei.”

Sage smirked at the back door to this conversation Rowen had opened. “I sim’ly treat ‘er the way I wanna treat you and ya’re too proud to ‘ccept.”

Rowen _wanted_ to _keep_ glaring at him, but the alcohol was starting to impact his ability to focus. After a valiant effort to do so, he looked away and squeezed his eyes shut, massaging his head. “Gods damn it Sage. When didja trade yoroi wi’ Kento?” 

He clasped his brother’s shoulder and returned him to the level of drunk he’d been ten minutes ago, Kourin also doing a number on his own drunkenness. “Better now?”

Rowen pouted. “Only if yu’ll admit there’s moah goin’ on heyah than simple friendship. We all see it.”

“Like how the two of us are more than a simple friendship?” Sage shot back. “I never said we saw each other as _simply_ friends.”

The glare turned into slowly dawning realization Sage had finally admitted _some_ level of care—something Sage had admitted earlier, indirectly, but Rowen had already been too drunk to pick up on. 

Rowen’s hand, meanwhile, slid towards the sake jar before stopping, his head laying on the counter. “Have Ah evah told ya, yah’d do Masamune proud?”

Sage had nearly died to hear those words. “You think?”

Rowen nodded, exhaustion beginning to show. And perhaps a side helping of bruised ego. “Y’just played igo wi’ a fifth dan genius and thoroughly trounced ‘im. I’think thaht has’ta count fer somethin’, right?”

Sage laughed at that, but the disappointment it was simply a game stung. He wanted to be _everything_ Masamune was, not just a strategist. “You are also drunk.”

Rowen shoved him lightly, all he could manage really. “I’mean it! Y’gotta do a little ‘f everythin’ in igo. ‘N even drunk, y’still gotta think three steps ‘head of me. You just…” He waved his hand in the air, trying to find the words to encapsulate his thoughts. Finally he settled on simply saying, “Yer amazin’, Seiji-sensei.” 

Sage swallowed, reaching for his phone with one hand and another shot with the other. Alexa hadn’t messaged him back, so all he did was type, ‘Rowen just said I would make Masamune proud.’

He watched her icon pop up, only to stare long and hard at the message she left. ‘From what you’ve told me about Masamune, I’d agree’

‘You do?’

‘Yeah. Except you sound nicer than he was :P’

He laughed at that, glancing up at Rowen’s knowing smirk. All he could murmur was, “Alexa agrees with you, apparently.”

“Of course she does,” he drawled, arm going around Sage’s shoulders. “She’s in love with you.” 

“If I take her at face value, as friends,” he replied. “Perhaps life partners, but… never romantically.”

Rowen just shrugged and sighed. “A’ight. Suit y’self.” He poked Sage in the chest, and Sage was very thankful the glass of sake he was holding was too empty to spill with the motion. “But mark mah words, Seiji. You’ll remembah this little tahlk years fr’m now, an’ we’ll be laughing.”

Sage raised an eyebrow at that. “Will you?” 

He pouted, mock-hurt all over his face. “Theh’rs no way I’ll f’get somethin’ this important, Seiji-niichan. Not wehn yer happiness’s on th’ line.”

“With some help.”

Rowen grinned at Kourin’s poke of Tenku. “Why d’ya think I was willin’ t’ come out heah when Ah know damn well y’can drink me undah th’ table?”

Sage pulled out his wallet and called the bartender for the cheque. “C’mon. Let’s get you home.”

Rowen stood once they’d paid and nearly fell over as he bowed. “Aftah ya, Seiji-dono.”

—T—

Strata, of all things, woke me _early_ on a Saturday morning. Although it hadn’t been so long since my graduation that this had become an unusual hour for me.

I did a little math as I groggily swiped my phone open, Dawn stretching out toward Japan in an instinctual desire to check up on my boyfriend. It would be early in the night over there, basically mid-day for a night owl like Rowen. His signature had gone fuzzy around the edges, but Halo’s presence remained close by and lucid.

A message from Alexa popped up on my phone. Then I remembered—Rowen had planned to take Sage drinking in an attempt at finding out exactly what was going on with my host brother and my sister.

‘I wondered how Rowen would react when Sage told him’

I slowly blinked at the phone. ‘...Told him what?’

‘That Sage confessed to me in September’

Suddenly awake, I gasped and sat upright in bed. _‘...He WHAT?’_

‘He WHAT???’

‘Yeah… just as a precaution, really, because I was panicking over being his fake-date for the all-Japan championship’ 

Despite her casual response, I could tell she was downplaying exactly what she meant, and how strong those feelings had been for her.

‘Panicking? About what?’

I watched her typing icon before the message came through. ‘Leading him on. He told me no matter what sort of interactions we had, we could stay platonic’

I pursed my lips pensively. The story Rowen had told me about how those two looked at each other when Sage had his wisdom teeth out told something a little different. But this seemed to confirm she had no idea about it.

It remained to be seen whether Sage realized it or not.

‘Well... _do_ you like him?’

Dusk felt defiant. ‘Platonically? Yes.’

I frowned. ‘You don't think there could possibly be more, at some point?’

‘Nah. I mean, considering it’s been one crisis after another with me, it’s not exactly the most solid base ever’

Sighing, I pointed out, ‘You could say Rowen and I got together over a crisis, though’

‘Yours was a little less prone to false confessions, though’ 

...Okay, that was a new tact. So she didn’t believe anything Sage had told her, probably; she’d said as much about me, before, when she didn’t believe my attempts to comfort her during suicidal ideation episodes.

‘...y’know Sage doesn’t like to lie right?’ I pointed out.

‘Fear of loss amplifies emotions, so even if he wasn’t lying, it can still be exaggerated’ she insisted.

But of course, she was probably assuming as much because she wasn’t in a place to ask him even if she wasn’t tied down by her anxieties. ‘did you *ask* him?’

Dusk shrank away. ‘I’d really rather not’

‘Why? Sage is the best thing to happen to you since moving out.’

_“Can I call you?”_

I blinked at little at the sudden swap to telepathy, but the oddness didn’t last long; I was well aware of how paranoid this trial had _all_ of us. _“Of course!”_

Immediately, Alexa’s Messenger profile pic popped up with the usual obnoxious _brrreee_ ringtone. I quickly answered. Her voice sounded as deflated as her telepathy had. “I can’t officially see him unsupervised until the trial is over, worst case scenario.”

That…did not compute. “What’re you _talking_ about?”

“How I’m a sex worker, receiving money from a rich man, and paying for sex is illegal in both Canada and Japan so extradition is possible.”

 _That_ stopped me in my tracks.

She was kidding, right? … _Right_?

“Seriously? Is that a threat from Rupert?” I demanded.

“One of two!”

My jaw dropped. “TWO?”

“I’ve been trying to tell myself I should just be quiet about it, but…” The stress in her tone was clear as daylight. “The latest development in the past… two? Three? I have been in a blur of jobs and trial I forget. Let’s say three weeks are: Cye’s not enough of a medical professional to make any comment about my physical state when they rescued me being the other, and somehow Rupert found out about the credit card within a month or two of me activating it. Catherine was only able to formally warn me about it last week, a day before she told Cye.”

“What? That’s—what the hell!” More shock morphed into fuming indignancy. How had he gotten ahold of that? I knew investigations could be thorough to the point of invasive, but. That credit card was an _incredibly_ small detail, and something that had happened long after Deborah’s arrest. “He must have subpoenaed bank records or _something_.”

“Have I told you how fucking puritan my mom is?” 

“Only a thousand times,” I snapped—more at Deborah than Alexa.

My sister had continued without pause for my interruption. “She’s only been threatening to invade my sex life since I was thirteen… I thought she’d be happy I was friends with a guy!”

The ghost of an icy hand clutched my heart. I chastised myself almost immediately—Michael had taken a plea deal for four years in prison just two months ago. “Except she can’t control you, and he’s not the guy _she_ would have given you,” I spat furiously.

There was an air of detachment to her voice that told me she was likely dissociating. “Soyeah. Catherine has a bunch of rules to prevent Sage from getting called for his own trial, plus he’s being questioned as a witness because Rupert is convinced he’s a client of mine, but she’s challenging Rupert’s motion of that so hopefully that can get delayed till after Worlds so Sage doesn’t have to fly in, stay in a hotel, and we can only see each other in public unless somebody else visits _and_ testifies that we’re not a sugar relationship.”

I had no other reply than to groan in frustration and anger, for my sister’s sake. That also explained why Sage and Alexa had seemed _so_ distant from each other during my graduation; she had spent more time glued to Cye’s side.

“And Cye is visiting in a… month? I think? To face off against the judge and basically put his medical credentials on the line.” She felt quiet, ruminating on the situation. I waited patiently, despite the storm of emotion swirling in my chest. “Catherine’s basically positive there’re going to be more delays. The trial’s already basically guaranteed to be three years away, and she asked me to make a list of all potential challenges. There’s one more that she’s probably evil enough to do, but I haven’t heard word from it yet so here’s hoping.”

“And what’s that?” I prompted, half-dreading the answer.

“Whether or not I am psychiatrically competent to stand trial.”

I paused. “Fucking hell,” I swore, softly like the tide on a beach prior to a typhoon. 

The day I stopped raging at every new, twisted development about my biological mother’s psyche would be the day I died.

“Catherine thinks, if they’re going to go that route, that he’ll wait till these two motions have been dealt with, then throw this one in last,” Alexa explained. “Because then he can ask for her to be let out on bail because she hasn’t been given a speedy enough trial, despite the flight risk. Her bond is set ridiculously high for the crime because of it.”

“‘Not speedy enough’ my ass!” I half-shouted. “He’s _deliberately_ fucking delaying everything. I’d _hope_ a judge can see through that.”

“She got a lawyer with a tendency to work government cases and get acquittals, so who the _fuck_ knows,” she replied bitterly.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Well...shit,” I muttered with resignation. Gently, I turned the conversation another direction. “Sis…why didn’t you tell me?”

I could hear her shift, where she probably sat on the couch. Her exhale begged for me not to be mad at her. “Because there’s nothing I can fucking do about it and I couldn’t stand the thought of the guys finding out Sage loves me and not taking no for an answer and if _they_ knew about the motion then they can all be accused with covering up the crime so I have to keep it quiet…”

Of course that would be her primary concern, with good reason. Sympathy washed over me; I rubbed my face tiredly. “I think they just wanted Sage to stop denying how he feels. How you both feel for each other. We don’t intend to make anyone uncomfortable—just...offer a nudge in each other’s direction.” 

“It’s physically impossible for us to act on anything, unless Rupert withdraws the motion or we’re cleared.”

I had heard Rowen talk about his favorite detective novels too much for a plot _not_ to start brewing. If anyone could figure out anything and everything we could use to turn this situation in our favor, it would be him.

These two deserved no less, after everything they’d been through.

Aloud, I simply reassured my twin, “I’m sure Catherine knows what she’s doing. Buuuut…promise me you won’t sit on this forever, ok? You once used Sage as an example of what I should have been looking for in a relationship. And I want the same for you as much as you did for me.” I smiled softly, hoping she could hear it in my voice. “You deserve to be happy, too.” 

She only snorted. “Sure.”

I kept my sad sigh inside. “Just…consider it, please. For me?”

“Alright…” she at last sighed.

“It’s gonna be ok, sis,” I said again, just as softly as before. “We’ll get through this. All of it.”

“Best case scenario is the motion gets thrown out from lack of evidence. But that’s on luck.”

I debated telling her the plan hatching in my brain. I couldn’t wait for Rowen to get up so I could discuss it with him.

Although…he’d probably need five pots of coffee before _that_ would happen. 

“...We could change that,” I suggested in response to Alexa.

Dusk’s stress levels immediately spiked. “If it comes out there’s a cover-up _that’ll_ get investigated, too!”

“It doesn’t have to look like one,” I pointed out. “All the detectives and investigators want to know is what the evidence says. Rupert thinks he’s the only one who can manipulate it to say what he wants—but so can we.”

She didn’t immediately speak. “I don’t want to think about it anymore…”

“You don’t have to.” I wished so badly I could reach through the phone to hug her; Dawn replicated the motion to Dusk anyway. “Just…get some rest, and focus on recovering. We’re here for you, no matter what happens.” 

Her half-snort, half-laugh wasn’t as cutting as earlier. “Now you know the full reason why I wanted to drop the charges.”

I couldn’t help a wry, humorless smile. “That certainly does make a lot more sense.”

Alexa sighed once more. “Can we just get off the phone and write? Or video chat and write? Just… something _else_ …”

A tiny chuckle escaped. “Yeah.” After a moment, I said, “I love you sis. Take care of yourself.”

“Love you, too.”

We hung up, and I dragged my computer out in order to return to Messenger and our current collaborative writing project. In between suggesting lines of dialogue and motion, I noticed a message from Rowen in the armor chat. It took a long moment to decipher his messy kanji—a sure sign he had been drinking far too much. Or, he’d been drinking and Sage had refused to remove the effects of the alcohol.

‘he confessed to her in SEPTEMBER’

I gave my phone a bemused smile. I could imagine the glaze to his eyes and the hair falling across his nose, more messy than normal. ‘Alexa was wondering when Sage would tell you. The brat only just told me now, when Tenku decided to shout it at the world’

‘KNEW hiding something’

Again, the broken kanji made it difficult to read his text. I shook my head at him. ‘Go to sleep, Rowen. You’re going to hate yourself in the morning’

He fell silent. I hoped Cye had taken his phone and strapped him to his bed; drunk Rowen was ten times as stubborn as sleepless Rowen.

Hours later, as the sun was beginning to set on our side of the world, he messaged me again.

‘Remind me never to try drinking Sage under the table ever again’ A second one quickly followed. ‘it feels like Kento let off a Gan Tetsu Sai in my head’

I raised an eyebrow at that description. They must have drained two whole bottles of sake in short order. ‘dare I ask what happened?’

‘your sister and Sage happened.’

The laugh that ensued echoed against the walls of my room and through the window open to catch an unusually mild July breeze. ‘I take it that didn’t go how you planned’

‘Not at all’ he grouched. ‘Cye conveniently said nothing about already knowing Sage had confessed months ago. And Sage had neglected to tell me he could potentially come under investigation for soliciting Alexa.’

The heaviness from my conversation with Alexa returned. ‘yeah. she mentioned that, too’

‘wish I could just stick an arrow through his heart, then I wouldn’t have a mental headache on top of the physical one’

‘weeeeeeell…’ I smirked crookedly. ‘I was actually going to ask for your help trying to figure out a way we can get the motion thrown out’

Strata—by now as familiar as a tiny dragon perched on my shoulders, during our conversations—perked up curiously through his hangover haze. ‘I’m sure I could find something’

‘think we can give them some evidence to show their relationship isn’t how they think it is?’

‘It’s possible. Give me a couple weeks’ He sent a second message. ‘My hangover should be gone by then. I think...’

Dawn patted the other yoroi sympathetically on the metaphysical shoulder. ‘you guys went at it hard’

‘it was…a difficult conversation, to say the least’ 

I nodded. ‘I know how that feels. Alexa’s been so stressed out the last couple months…’

Strata held me close, whirling stars and bright galaxies soothing my own tension. ‘I hope this gets resolved soon, for their sake. they need each other more than I think they realize, right now’

I agreed, leaning into his armor’s presence. ‘Let’s hope we can get this thrown out, then’

‘Indeed’


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, we'll reveal full details of what happened between the last scene and this one in bloopers! It just didn't fit thematically with what we were doing, so it got cut
> 
> keep an eye out for that collection of shorts/oneshots in the future!
> 
> tw: parental abuse discussion

—A—

I clapped as the medals for Worlds were handed out, Sage bowing as a silver metal was slipped over his neck. In a rematch between his opponent for All-Japan, he lost and had smiled the way through. He had already gotten the honour of the student win; a gold for Worlds was almost too much.

It would’ve been nice, though.

We all piled into a collection of cars to head to the restaurant to celebrate. Cye, Kento, and Ryo were in Kento’s SUV; Sage’s family minus him had filled the family car; and Sage, Rowen, my sister, and myself were in Sage’s car. 

It was nice to be able to see him again. It had only been two weeks since the judge had dismissed the charges against Sage on the grounds there was no relationship— it had only taken a failed sting operation at my strip club, Warlord meddling to let me know who the undercovers were, digging back into Sage’s finances for the past year with minimal gifts to me except Christmas and my birthday, and pulling of our communication records with a side look into my phone to see I had _never_ downloaded any sort of burner app.

Thankfully Rowen’s app didn’t come from there, or there might’ve been half an inch of ground to gain. But as it was, the total lack of evidence was a sheer cliff. The judge had warned Rupert about filing needless motions to delay the case.

I still had a feeling he’d file about my psychiatric qualifications, but that would be for later.

At dinner, Sage and I were seated next to each other, my sister and Rowen across from us but more wrapped up in their own conversation. The primary other conversation pair was Yūsei and Daiki, but other than offering congratulations, they were leaving us to our own devices. Any nagging suspicion they were pulling the same stunt we had pulled on them last year was confirmed when they hopped straight to the Ronin’s car. Yūsei and Daiki had taken the subway and were already heading towards it.

Sage and I watched them all leave with a wave, before looking between each other and sharing a mutual eye roll.

He sighed, leaning on the roof of his car. “I suppose you would say ‘turnabout is fair play’?”

I laughed. “Yeah, yeah, sounds about right.”

He looked at me in the resulting quiet. “Would it be too much of a date to go visit the ocean?”

I smiled at him. “No.” Before taking a step towards the car, I looked up at the city-twilight sky and asked, “Are you going to be okay at night?”

He nodded. “The sky is clear enough. I’ll be alright.”

I was highly doubtful of that; the moon was barely a sliver. But he simply opened his own door and waited for me to do the same, closing the line of conversation. I had to admit it was still weird for me to be going in on the left side of the front seat, for how I’d only been here _properly_ twice. And for how, especially with the guys, I was usually put in the back seat for legroom purposes; the front seat was rare for me every time I had access to a car.

“It’s nice to be able to… be alone with you,” I said as we left the parking lot. “As annoyed as I am with Tessa and Rowen.”

“And Yayoi, and Satsuki, and Yūsei, and the guys…” he continued in mock suffering. He glanced at me once he could spare the attention, a hand absently going to my shoulder. “I’m glad it got dismissed.”

I looked down at my lap. “Now we just have to wait for the results on Cye’s evaluation.”

Again, Sage’s hand made it to my shoulder momentarily. “Even if he can’t be a medical expert, he can give his testimony as a friend. None of us will be erased that easily.”

His hand stayed on the console between us, barely visible in the long shadows of the car as we began leaving downtown, inviting me to hold it if it would bring me comfort. I took it carefully, enjoying the warmth and firmness.

But the thought of this leading to anything still made me sick.

He squeezed my hand, sensing that. “I told you. So long as I keep you in my life, keep being able to touch you and care for you, I’m happy.”

I swallowed. “Do you want more?”

He was quiet for awhile. “I… would enjoy dating you. But it’s not exclusively my choice.”

I shook my head. Too many thoughts and fears and sickly feelings about how I had nearly gotten into a relationship from someone who I thought knew me well but didn’t swirled in my head, and I didn’t want to get into it with a relationship that set every red flag going. I didn’t want to move and feel the abandonment again. I didn’t want to be trapped in a long-term situation of dependence. 

He dropped the topic. Eventually, our hands withdrew, but a wall never came up between us. I didn’t know if I would’ve minded if it had. All of my panic was swirling under a glass dome, anyway, and I had no intention of lifting it up.

As we circled around, looking for a parking lot that was open at this time of night, I thought back to the championship. “How does it feel, being the second best kendoka in the world?”

Now, his smile lit him up. It wouldn’t have surprised me if Halo _actually_ made him glow. “I can’t help but laugh my opponent took his loss and learned. I was grateful he beat me, but… I’m _also_ grateful I was able to beat everyone else.”

I laughed. “It was… very impressive watching you. I’m glad I was able to learn how matches work so I could, y’know, _follow along_ this time.”

He was silent as he backed into a parking spot, twisting in his seat to look out the back window and doing it in two smooth, almost unbroken movements. Tessa normally did it in three. 

“Show off,” I murmured under my breath.

He pulled the keys out of the ignition. “You still haven’t seen me on the track. If you want to see me show off.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I know less about racing than about kendo unless you count my fleeting special interest in the engineering of racecars.”

He paused midstep. “You learned that?”

I laughed. “Like. Nearly 20 years ago now, but yeah. It was a popular topic on various kids’ science shows in Canada. Cars made to race turning left, wings flipped to create downward-facing lift to keep them _on_ the track, roll cages, seatbelts to distribute pressure, _everything fireproof_ …”

“It is fascinating,” he said in the tone that indicated he wanted to keep talking but didn’t know if the other party would be interested. “Amature racing is different in that regard.”

I knew the Pandora’s box I was opening and didn’t care. “How so?”

He started explaining as we walked down to the beach, nearly hand in hand as he made sure I wouldn’t trip over the uneven ground and walkways after jet lag and a full weekend of watching the championship got to me. I was impressed _he_ was still standing, for how much he had pushed his body.

At least he’d had a shower before dinner.

The beach was utterly deserted as we walked, between the season being nearly over and the time being somewhere just shy of midnight. It was really only lovesick couples and night owls taking in the ocean. The pure white light of the stars and sliver of moonlight danced across an inky-black ocean that had receded from the shore almost completely from a nightly low tide. 

Now I could tell why the Moon card in tarot was the card of illusions—and, in a bittersweet way, why Sage was afraid of it. This was the antithesis of the truth and certainty of sunlight, with shifting shadows and nothing powerful enough to get rid of the darkness in the corner of your eye.

Dusk, meanwhile, positively _hummed_ , the tricks of the light creating a new world that let her, and by extension me, hide and play and dance.

I looked up at Sage to see how he was taking it, only to find him looking down at me. Halo radiated from his whole body, casting him in light more reminiscent of dusk. I looked away before I got into ‘staring at him uncomfortably long’ territory, shoving the thought he had potentially done the same for me out of my mind.

He ran a finger along my cheek, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. “You really come alive in this light.”

I quirked a smile. “Feel a bit bad that you don’t.”

His hand came to rest on my shoulder. “I’m friends with Rowen. You could say I find it safer to be near someone who knows the night more than me.”

I decided to ignore that line of conversation— or at least, call it done— and simply went to the water’s edge. It was hurricane season, so the water was warmer than average and wouldn’t cause a shock to my system. My socks and shoes came off with help from balance gained dancing in six inch heels, both tossed aside far away from the water.

I rolled up my pants from standing, as well, pushing them up over my knees and looking over to the side to see Sage sitting on the sand. I laughed, potentially a reaction from the smallest amount of sake at dinner. “Championship got the best of you?”

All he did was return the laughter, putting his shoes and socks neatly stacked next to mine, then adjusted my shoes and socks so they were lined up as if it was a genkan.

I waded into the water as he got his trousers to his knees, the shock of the sheer _power_ of the ocean still making me pause every time. I was standing at the same spot when he came to my shoulder, both of us simply watching.

The sheer silence of the beach at night gave me more room to pause and think about my emotions. Emotions I had put out of my mind; emotions Tessa wanted me to bring to the surface.

He put his hand on my back. “What’re you thinking?”

I pushed my lips to the side. He sounded like my sister with that. “A little angry that Tessa assumes I’m not happy like this.”

He chuckled. “That is irritating, yes.”

I sighed, wanting to lean into him but the waves dragging the sand away from underneath my feet making the prospect of that dangerous. “I’ve had two bad romantic relationships, I don’t want to move, I’m like 90% sure I’m aromantic and _can’t_ love you back, and—”

His hand under my jaw silenced me, turning my head to look back up at him. “I don’t care if you can love me romantically.”

I swallowed, casting my eyes away. “My ex did, for how one of her exes was aromantic and broke it off because of that…”

He leaned down, lips to my forehead, long ago having learned that was acceptable touch for me. “Please don’t feel _I_ feel you’re lesser, because of that.”

I caved and wrapped my arms around him, turning into his touch. “Thanks.”

He stroked my spine. “‘I love you’ isn’t a phrase commonly spoken in Japan. Not hearing it isn’t strange, and you show your care in other ways. My focus is on how you show me you care for me, not the type of love it is.”

I nodded, dropping one arm to try and turn away. “Kinda wished I’d kissed you last year, though…”

He pulled me back to facing him, finger under my jaw to tip my head up once more. “Why is that?”

It was very, very, very hard to keep looking at him, even though I knew he’d understand. I looked towards the ground beside us. “Then my first kiss wouldn’t have been with my ex…”

“Rowen told me you don’t have to consider something your ‘first’ if it wasn’t consensual,” he said softly. “It… he told me after my assault. I needed to hear it.”

I quirked a smile. “That helps, a little.” I dared glance up at him, if only for a moment. “Still… wish I hadn’t been so hung up on leading you on because it would’ve been a nice memory.”

His thumb stroked under my lips. “Standing in the ocean by starlight could also be a nice memory.”

I swallowed. “You wouldn’t mind?”

He laughed softly. “ _Any_ of the others—and a few of the student newspaper reporters—would tell you how many people I kissed when they asked. It’s… not as sacred to me as many others.”

That made me pause. “Did any of yours… ‘count’?”

He nodded. “All but one, maybe two.”

My hand crept to his side, both of us adjusting our feet to be closer. One hand rested in the curve of my lower back, while the other cupped the back of my neck. I leaned against his chest to feel the even, steady heartbeat—albeit a touch faster than it normally was. “Are you nervous?”

He nuzzled my hairline. “I want to do right by you.”

I tipped my face up. “I know.”

He leaned down so our foreheads were touching, breath mixing. “May I?”

I had only barely finished saying “yes” before I couldn’t speak anymore.

He held me tight enough I didn’t get knocked to the side when a wave crashed into our legs, kiss unbroken as he pressed me into him. He smelled of sake and cherry blossoms, touch gentle yet firm. I could only grip his shirt for the long moments he dragged the kiss on.

He didn’t return for a second once we parted, something that had me feeling too many emotions to name. I wouldn’t have minded a second. I was glad he didn’t assume I wouldn’t have.

He watched me carefully. Cautiously. “How was it?”

I smiled up at him. “I didn’t think kissing with alcohol breath would be _pleasant_.”

He laughed and picked me up by the waist, spinning me around as if I weighed nothing. He half dropped, half placed me down when another wave crashed into us, only a few stumble-steps keeping us from getting soaked.

I was definitely tipsy. I couldn’t stop smiling as I dragged us back to where our shoes were, half collapsing in the sand and my grip on Sage’s hand having him come down beside me.

Sage flopped on his back, chest heaving with the motion. “You’re heavier than I remember.”

I poked his bicep. “Or you’re more exhausted than normal.”

He laughed again. I liked the sound. “Both?”

The way he looked up at me took the sting out of those words. I knew it was _good_ I was heavier. I felt better as I got heavier, minus the extra weight on my chest that wouldn’t be permanent. The way he was smiling at me—pride shining in his eyes—chased all relapse thoughts away. “You’ll have to see once you’ve had a chance to recover.”

“I’ll see you at your birthday, right?”

I nodded. “Dad wants to throw a party in Virginia for the both of us before Tessa goes to tech school, since we’re doing Christmas in Japan. He seemed only a little weirded out that you all could show up instantly with the Warlords, so you’re welcome to come. Or you can come legally.”

He propped himself up on his elbows. “How do you feel about her leaving in January?”

I shrugged. “Better than I did. She’s still around, I’m getting to be friends with Rowen, she insists it’ll just be like how she’s working now where she leaves it at work. Starting a new job where _I_ get to leave it at my desk helps. And we’re getting our tattoos during that weekend, so I know she won’t be able to forget about me.”

He reached over to rub my arm. “You two care far too much about each other to let something like the military come between you.”

I snorted, pulling my knees up to my chest. “You say that like the military is _little_.”

“When you compare it to the Dynasty or your mother it is.”

I hadn’t thought of it like that, looking away sharply with the embarrassment.

He pushed himself up to sitting, arm going around my shoulders. “You have Rupert actively sabotaging you. You have had your mother actively sabotaging you. The military, at its heart, has no motive to take her away from you. Just like Cye moving back to Hagi once he’s completed his medical degree, or Rowen’s travels for science conferences, or _my_ travels for kendo have no motive to permanently separate us. We always find our way back together, and when an outside force tries to tear us apart we fight even more strongly to stay close.”

I let his words wash over me, nodding to let him know I’d heard. Dusk and Halo wound together as I sorted out more lies my mother had said versus what was staring me in the face. “I only left the cult because I had her to support me.”

He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “Did you hear how Rowen left his father?”

I nodded. “His dad tried to isolate him.”

“He made up his mind to leave after his father tried to forbid him from coming to my fourth dan examinations.”

I blinked. “He didn’t mention that. He mentioned you were the sun he orbited, but not… how direct it was.”

Sage was quiet, for awhile. “It took him a year after my fourth dan to leave. He had to wait for his 20th birthday, because otherwise he was still a legal dependent. He could have changed his family alliance to his mother’s, but he wanted to keep the Hashiba name and be the man his father wouldn’t be. But he only realized how self-serving Genichiro was when it was between his father’s ambitions and career plans made in his stead, or being there for his friends.” 

“And he picked you.”

“He picked all of us, really,” Sage said quietly. “He was already living with Cye and Kento, at the time, and in a way he was lucky he was able to grieve before he officially severed contact. Not like he had much severing to do, for how little Genichiro contacted him prior…”

I exhaled, thinking about it. Rowen and my paths crossed, in that regard, for how we’d had people expecting us to follow a certain path and we had said ‘fuck you’ and gone our own way. I’d been jealous he had friends waiting for him—I was still jealous he had friends in the city he lived—but he knew what it was like. It was the only way he didn’t feel like a threat, really. He knew what it was like to live with that control. He didn’t want to become his father.

Hilariously enough, we had ended up interning with people who mentored us the same summer. Only mine had been abusive, and his had turned out to be his great-uncle on his mother’s side.

I snorted in amusement. “He told me about how the next summer he met his great-uncle and called him ojiisama and was told he’d inherited his mother’s troublemaking.”

Sage smiled in an affectionate way he reserved for when he talked about Rowen. “His great-uncle is only in his sixties. For context, his _father_ is sixteen years younger. He found differences in address funny.”

That got a chuckle. “Okay, yeah. Leave it to Rowen to poke fun at age for how he’s one of the youngest in his programs all the time.”

“Half of his professors could be his grandfather,” Sage replied. “Depending on his rapport with them, he does call them as such.”

There wasn’t much to say to that. While I’d connected with my professors more than my classmates—another thing I shared with Rowen—I hadn’t really been in an academic situation where they could help me in the real world as much as his could. It was another point of jealousy for me.

But if I was completely honest, I was too tipsy to be jealous right now.

And beyond that, something clicked.

I thunked my forehead into my knees. “She’s basically going to marry a straight male version of me.”

Sage laughed harder than I’d heard him laugh yet. “Apparently the both of us have a type.”

I turned my head to raise an eyebrow at him, my own laugh bubbling up. “Yes, yes you do.”

He grinned at me. “Did I mention Yusei’s name means ‘playful star’?”

I blinked. Frequently. “It means _what_? Seijiiiiiii…”

His smile softened at my use of his traditional name, something only family called him and a name he had given me permission to use back before he nearly went on trial for our friendship.

He still wanted to be friends with me. How, I had no idea. He kept reassuring me I was worthwhile, for him, but the amount of strife I had already brought—and would continue to bring—would just strain him even further.

We watched the sky and ocean for awhile. Halo’s glow had dulled as Sage settled into the night, settled into the peace and safety of a deserted beach in a time that felt closer to the liminal space of _between_ , not quite sure what day it was or the time on the clock.

Sage shifted, extending a hand out to me. “Would you like to dance?”

I placed my hand in his. “I would love to.”

He turned music on his phone, put the volume to unsafe levels, and stood with me.

“Y’know I never went to a single formal dance, growing up,” I said as we fell into a frame.

His eyebrows went up. “Really?”

I nodded. “Homeschooled. My mom. Missed all of those.”

He rested his forehead against mine. “Time to make up for that, I suppose.”

I smiled in lieu of a reply. It was so tempting to kiss him, just tip my head up and press our lips together, but I had already gotten one to replace the feel of my ex. I didn’t _need_ more.

I just wanted more.

But I didn’t want everything that came with it. I wanted touch and time and nights out and commitment, but nothing official. Nothing that said we needed to build our lives together. Just something that said we would always have a bridge between us where we could meet.

 _“So long as you’re happy,”_ he murmured, Halo having sensed my path of thoughts. _“I don’t need more.”_

I nodded. _“I haven’t been this happy in a long time. Even with the trial.”_

His lips pressed against my forehead. _“You can ask for another kiss if you want.”_

My hand slid to the back of his neck, tangling in the once-again short hairs at his nape. He’d kept a little more volume in his haircut, this time, but his bangs were back to sheer curtains and he’d pushed them aside some time on the trip so I was looking at both of his eyes.

Even at night, they shone violet, but this time it was closer to Dusk’s colour, one you could almost mistake for blue. He was smiling more with his eyes than his mouth as he looked down at me, waiting patiently as I made up my mind.

I got on my toes to bring us closer. “May I?”

He nodded as he half-leaned, half-got-pulled down to _receive_ a kiss. An awkward one with nose bumping that revealed I really did not know what I was doing, and one he shifted to make more comfortable.

But it was _my_ first kiss, one where I hadn’t waited for the other to move in.

We barely parted after that one, his jaw resting against my forehead and frame forgotten in the name of touch. Hands on necks and faces close enough that part of the breeze against my hair was his breath. My whole body shivered with electricity that had nothing to do with Halo.

“Thank you,” he said so softly I nearly didn’t hear. “For asking.”

I nuzzled his neck. “It’s the least I can do.” I took a breath and pressed into him deeper. “Thank you for this memory.”

“It was my pleasure.”

We waltzed in the sand under starlight, me feeling like the luckiest person in the world.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: past attempted rape mention

—T—

Allowing my sister to have even a three-quarters' full travel mug of orange juice was the equivalent of Rowen drinking a whole bottle of sake by himself.

This was the _prime_ opportunity to bug her about things she would otherwise have avoided outright.

“Sooooo,” I said to get her attention. I took a moment to double check traffic in my mirrors, moving into a more open lane to free up mental bytes. “How is Sage doing?”

I felt more than saw her roll her eyes. Alexa knew damn well that I spoke with Sage on the regular. That, combined with their arrival this morning via Warlord for our birthday party later that afternoon, was a clear indicator of what I was _really_ after. “Relieved that the charges against him were dismissed so we can talk again.”

I raised an eyebrow at that. We were well past that stage, since that had been in August. “Wasn’t that nearly two months ago, now?”

“I mean, nothing else has changed since, so.” 

Dusk had shrunk down again, shy about discussing this topic for a myriad of reasons. I glanced over at her, studying her posture, and—out of curiosity more than anything else—mildly asked, “Really?”

“I don’t want to date him. So nothing’s changed,” she said defensively.

So, even gentle nudging was out; she wasn’t comfortable enough to bring whatever was bothering her out into the light.

Usually when she got like this, it meant there was some deeper fear holding her back.

After long moments of contemplative quiet, I asked, “Sis…what’re you afraid of?”

“You’re asking somebody with general anxiety that.”

“Well usually when you avoid something for this long…there’s something specifically bothering you,” I said, very carefully.

She paused, searching for words to answer that which—probably—wouldn’t tip her hand. “He’s going to have power over me.” After a gentle nudge from Dawn to continue along that track, she elaborated, “I’m going to be dependent on him. Financially, socially. I’m going to be isolated away from everyone I care about. He’s going to have power over me and I don’t want him to.” 

I barely caught her murmured, “He already has too much…” _That_ piqued my interest—but no way was I going to explore that at this point. She was already on edge; the last thing I needed was her to bite my nose if I stuck it where it didn’t belong.

Not...that I wasn’t kind of already doing that. But it wasn’t so different from when she’d pointed me toward Rowen. Sisters did that kind of thing for each other, looking out for the other’s happiness just as much as their physical wellbeing. And Sage was one of the best people I knew, who was _clearly_ smitten with Alexa—and I didn’t need Rowen’s drunken interrogation to tell me that.

But I kept all that to myself.

“And I’m dependent on Rowen. You would be able to do all the projects you mentioned wanting to try. Besides…the other guys would be nearby. _I_ might even be, if Rowen and I ended up settling in Japan.” I reached over to briefly lay a hand on her shoulder. “You won’t be alone, sis. I promise.” 

Alexa stared out the window, Dusk reluctant to engage with Dawn. “I told myself nobody would ever have power over me again.”

Yep. She had no idea the effect she had on Sage. “What if...you have power over _him_?”

“Nope. Not happening.”

I raised an eyebrow at that stark denial. “Rowen has seen how he looks at you. I’ve seen how you look at each other. Even Kento The Hardrock Rei Faun can see how deeply you two care about each other.”

Dusk’s hackles had slowly crept up this whole conversation. As we pulled into the tattoo parlor parking lot, the bared teeth came out. “Not. HAPPENING.” 

A shield between the two armors kept me from reading her—but her clenched jaw told me all it needed to. As much as she was acting like she hated the idea, she was actually quite terrified over the prospect. 

Once I put the car in park, I turned to her with an arm resting on the steering wheel. “I’m not asking it to happen,” I said softly, Dawn extending an olive branch to her counterpart. “All I’m asking is for the two of you to be honest with each other. You deserve that much, at least. And…I think you would make each other very happy, _if_ you decide to try.”

“We make each other happy just the way things are.” 

With that curt finality, she exited the car and slammed the door behind her. Perhaps a tad more forcefully than necessary. 

I sighed. That hadn’t _quite_ gone like I’d hoped.

While walking after Alexa and toward the building, I reached out to Strata. _“Alexa is upset with me pressing about Sage.”_

_“I’m not surprised. Sage made me promise not to push her about it.”_

_“Hmm…”_ I mulled that over. _“There’s gotta be something we’re missing.”_

I let Alexa handle talking to the tattoo artist, for the most part, trying to both pay attention to the conversation in order to answer without raising her suspicions, and keep tabs on this chat. Rowen had nudged Torrent’s shoulder, rousing him from a light nap. 

Once he’d explained the situation, Cye summarized, _“So Alexa is upset over the possibility of having support, again?”_  

...He sounded like he had already guessed as much. Strata and Dawn traded glances; Torrent sighed. _“She was petrified we would all leave her, the moment the trial got difficult. I tried to reassure her it was alright, but she stubbornly refused to believe I didn’t care my testimony was in question and I had to come to Canada to defend it. She was too focused on how I’d lost my summer vacation, time with Sachiko, and time with my mother, to believe this was worthwhile for me… I’m sure she feels the same about the rest of us, Sage especially for how he risked a criminal record to stand by her side.”_

I suppressed a soft sigh, rising from the lounge chairs we’d been sitting in to follow Alexa and the artist back into a work station. _“I had hoped the fact he_ did _stand by her side would mean something, in light of how her mother_ hasn’t _, but…”_

 _“It would appear she’s now waiting for him to demand repayment of some sort, be it absolute loyalty or some favour. Which was apparently an infrequent but not uncommon tactic of her mother when there was a benefit to gain.”_  

Of course it was. Had been. And of course nothing _I_ could say, at least right now, was probably going to change that perception. It would have to be something she learned on her own, subtly reiterated through our tireless commitment to supporting her through everything. 

 _“Sage gaining a beautiful, articulate, and in her own words makes-others-jealous wife is likely what she’s fixating upon,”_ Cye continued. _“Which is why he hasn’t made a move towards her. She’s terrified of what he’ll want out of a relationship, and in her mind he has poured too many resources into her to let her be herself… Unless they maintain the safety net of not being in a relationship, then he has no grounds to ask anything of her. And he is too polite to press. If she’s shown signs of reacting like this every time, I don’t blame him.”_

I used the excuse of brushing hair from my eyes to massage my temples. The mental gymnastics were starting to get to me—especially since I was barely navigating the brief discussion over who of us twins should go first. _“Thanks for telling me. If you think of anything else, let me know.”_ I glanced over at my twin, and the tension still subtly lining the lift of her shoulders. _“I should let you go, though.”_

The pair merely acknowledged that, as the artist gestured for me to have a seat and started telling me what to expect. Once he fell silent, swabbing the skin on the inside of my right wrist, Alexa said, “Last chance to back out.”

Smiling at her, I shook my head and reached for her hand with my free one. “Of course not, sis. This is as much mine as yours.”

Alexa leaned into me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. Dawn and Dusk hummed with familial warmth.

As the first needle strokes punctured my skin, I winced and firmly resisted the urge to yank my hand away. The pain wasn’t nearly as bad as the _ticklish_ sensation, though. I became increasingly glad of the tight grip I maintained around my sister’s; it offered some measure of pressure to take my mind off it.

Strata hugged me with sleep-tinged concern. Dawn waved him off, insisting he go back to his nap; he was going to need it, if he were to survive the jet lag during the birthday celebrations later that afternoon.

“How’s it feel?”

“Ticklish,” I complained, bouncing my feet to prevent the muscles in my arm from tensing. “Trying not to move my right arm while shaking the feeling off everywhere else.” 

Alexa simply smiled—a barely-there flicker that said her emotions still roiled beneath the surface. 

Quiet fell over the parlor for a while. I refrained from watching the needle enter and exit my skin most of the time; it would only make the sensations worse. But that meant I had plenty of time for my mind to wander, and my eyes to fall back to my sister. All my guilt and wounded pride from bringing up such a touchy subject side…this was supposed to be our birthday present to each other. And here we sat in sullen silence instead.

What a way to start our birthday festivities. 

Clearing my throat as the artist swapped ink from black outlines to Dusk’s vibrant amethyst, I ventured, “Did I ever tell you how much of an emotional sap Rowen can get to be when he’s drunk?”

Alexa merely shrugged, with a brief “hm?” indicating I could continue.

Of course she was suspicious of my motives…but it had been the first funny story I could think of to try to break the ice creeping over us.

“Last time we were over there, he tossed me over his shoulder and declared we were gonna elope. Deadpan, I kid you not. I seriously thought I was gonna crack my head on the pavement!” I said with a chuckle, waving my unoccupied hand for emphasis. “But he is _way_ stronger than I thought he’d be with zero coordination.”

The lackluster reaction to that made me want to bang my head against a wall—at myself. But I stubbornly kept trying. “This was, of course, right after he’d challenged Kento to a wrestling match. For the third time that night. It obviously did not go well!”

That drew out a slight upward quirk to her lips, at least.

I internally sighed. _‘C’mon, gimme something to work with here!’_

I glanced over at the tattoo emerging on the inside of my right wrist, briefly. Then, remembering what had brought us together as friends in the first place, I broke the silence again. “Cye asked me about the crossover we were writing earlier that day. I told him you could explain it way better than I could, though, so he’d have to ask another time.”

Alexa’s small smile came a little more surely, this time. “Oh come on, the way you summarize things is hilarious.”

I laughed, blushing a little at the praise. “But your brand of sarcasm fits this story so much better! I do way better with those dragon roasts we did that one time.”

Something about that caused her to shrink, again. Mentally dragging a hand down my face—how was this so hard for me to navigate?—I waited for her to say, “I like your summaries, anyway…”

Sympathy swamped my heart; I reached out for her hand, twining my fingers with hers and squeezing gently. Hoping the reassuring gesture would speak more than my words could, I suggested, “How about we tag-team it when we get back to the house? Take turns explaining the plot.” I offered her a toothy smile. “Maybe with a little over-exaggerated acting to go with it.”

My twin finally unwound from her tense ball, even if just a little. “I’ll let you handle the acting.”

I laughed warmly. “Works for me!”

The atmosphere continued to relax, after that. Idle chatter with the artist about how we’d met—answered in minimal detail—plans for the winter, and discussion over the meaning behind the design written in glistening, colorful blood on my arm filled the time.

In between topic changes, I mulled over what Cye and Rowen had told me. I replayed Alexa’s terrified, defensive responses in the back of my mind. I remembered when she had told me about the plan that ultimately worked to show me Michael was truly an abuser at heart, and all the mixed feelings that had taken six more months to work through.

Alexa already knew Sage made her happy. So did Sage. Therefore…if it was meant to be, it would work out in the end.

As we left the shop, I looped an arm around Alexa’s shoulder and leaned my head against hers. “I’m glad you’re happy with Sage.”

Dusk gratefully leaned into the apology Dawn broadcast, as my twin physically leaned into me. The last of the tension deflated from her chest. “He’s the best friend I could ask for… besides you.”

I chuckled, ruffling her hair as I stepped away to unlock the car doors. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all I can ask for.”

Before I could get far, she wrapped me in a tight hug, with a quiet sniffle. “Thanks, sis.”

I smiled warmly, hugging her back just as tightly. “That’s what sisters are for.”

—8—

Ganondorf came at him with a flying punch. Zelda smashed his face in with a flying kick. Behind him, however, Ike wound up for a wide swing of his longsword. He noticed just in time to execute a perfect dodge roll, and punished the lagging strike with a grab.

The blue-haired warrior promptly vanished off the ledge with a pained yelp and a flash of bright red light.

“Damn, Zelda doesn’t need her Link after all, does she?” Kento laughed. “Smooth move there, Ro.”

Rowen barely offered his comrade a half-smile, attention focused entirely on the match. Zelda—his character—jumped up to the next level of Peach’s Castle and narrowly evaded King Dedede’s hammer in the process. Warding off Ganondorf’s Warlock Fist by shielding, Rowen punished that as well with a sweep kick that knocked Sekh—Naotaka’s fighter off-balance.

He had thought playing video games with the mashou would feel tedious and incredibly weird. The awkwardness had been so palpable when the quartet first met up with the Ronin at Mia’s house that the yoroi positively hummed with the energy. Rowen wouldn’t have been surprised if they had started resonating like they had during the War.

But then Cale had seen the Schildnect’s Wii and Smash Brothers sitting on the entertainment center shelf, and something…changed.

Sage, of course, still sat on the complete opposite side of the room from his former nemesis. But slowly, conversation grew between the subgroups of Bearers, and the tension eased off enough so that it didn’t feel quite so difficult to just _breathe_. And while Kento, Rowen, Naotaka, Cale, and Kayura had taken to alternating four-player rotations, Tenku caught snippets of Sage and Dais discussing hair care with Cye listening in. Ryo—at some prompting from Mia, who had joined them—had opted to assist Derek and Liv with party preparations.

White Blaze, however, was permabanned from the kitchen at Liv’s order.

All in all it was, to say the least, an _enlightening_ scenario.

It was as Rowen soundly trounced Kento’s King Dedede with a well-placed smash attack that a soft chuff from the aforementioned tiger preempted tires crunching on gravel. Naotaka peered through the living room window briefly. “They have returned.”

Kure reaching out to them from the driveway confirmed the mashou’s announcement.

 _“Why did I agree to saniderm! Don’t answer it’s because it’s clear and I want you guys to see.”_  

Cye asked the obvious question, as everyone picked themselves up to take the gathering outside. _“Latex?”_

There was a pause. _“Worse. According to a quick google, polyurethane acrylic.”_

 _“Damn,”_ Ryo said. _“How long do you need to keep it on?”_

_“At least two hours. It’s coming off the minute I can.”_

Rowen shoved his hands into the pockets of his cargo shorts as they stepped onto the porch, where mismatched chairs and a long table had been set with all the trappings of a barbecue party. While Tessa and Alexa exited the SUV, he caught Derek’s eye from where the older man pulled the last of the burgers for dinner from the grill; he gave Rowen a friendly smile and nod, which he returned briefly. 

Their conversation from that morning came to mind, again, as it had periodically since waking from his nap. Rowen had felt like a schoolboy, his heart pounding almost uncontrollably, when he broached the question:

“How would you feel about me asking your daughter to marry me?”

Derek had simply appraised him for a long moment, before smiling widely and firmly clasping his shoulder. “You’ve already risked your life for her, before. I doubt you could prove your worth in my eyes any better than that. And more than that, you make her incredibly happy. She is so alive around you that I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. If she’ll have you, I’ll be happy to welcome you to the family.”

Rowen shook off his reverie before the telepathic conversation could continue on without him. Something entirely unrelated to worrying about healing lingered behind Kourin’s shields, as he gently offered to Alexa, _“I can attempt to heal any sensitivity in the skin without disturbing the ink.”_

 _“Please and thank you!”_ She sounded relieved. _“It… really looks nice and I hope Dad likes it.”_

 _“I’m sure he will,”_ Tessa finally interjected, amusement oozing from Akatsuki. _“But he can’t see it if we stay in the car all afternoon.”_

The assembled group rippled with chuckles.

“There’re the birthday girls!” Derek greeted loudly with a grin, as they exited the SUV.

Liv stepped out of the house with an armful of plates and Mia in tow behind her, likewise burdened. “How’d getting your birthday presents go?”

Uncertainty wavered on Alexa’s face; she and Derek were the only two the twins had left out of the tattoo plan. “Um. Painful?” 

At their worried looks, both Alexa and Tessa held their wrists up as an answer. 

Intertwining Libra and Scorpio symbols mirrored each other on opposite wrists. The image had been shaded in Kinkou’s colors, to represent the love and protection the sisters had for each other—a reminder that no matter where they went in the world, or how dark the outlook, they would always have someone at their side.

Akatsuki helpfully pointed out her tattoo, saying, “Dais helped us design it!”

“Based off Kure’s ideas, yes.” The gen mashou moved closer to study the artwork, obscured under a thin film of bloodied plastic. “The artist seems to have improved it, however.”

Derek playfully set his hands on hips and exaggeratedly demanded, “Alright, whose idea was this?” 

Tessa laughed, poking her sister in the ribs with a proud grin as the elder twin sheepishly raised a hand.

“And you designed it?” Liv asked, impressed.

Alexa nodded, a little more sure of herself now that the initial reactions had gone smoothly. Tessa filled in more details. “When we went over for All-Japan last year, she mentioned wanting one and I liked the idea. So we pitched some concepts to Dais and he drew them up.” She turned an appreciative smile on Natsu. “You were a huge help. Thank you!” 

She held up her arms to offer him a hug. The Ronin shifted a little awkwardly when Dais accepted; Rowen took in a breath, Tenku steadying the flow so it didn’t shake. 

That sort of interaction was going to take…a while, to get used to.

He stepped over to his girlfriend’s side as she moved away from the mashou. Sage likewise came up beside Alexa, gently taking her wrist in his hands—both to get his chance to see the artist’s handiwork, and offer some relief from the pain. “It is beautiful.”

“Thanks!” she chirped.

Her voice was warmer than before, but she still instinctively put Sage between herself and her father.

Kayura bounced around the edge of the group as everyone found places to sit, peering over Tessa’s shoulder at the design. “You spent enough time refining the design for it to not come out beautifully,” she said brightly, looking up to smile at Alexa.

That was something _else_ unnerving: Sometimes Rowen forgot the Ancient’s successor was only biologically thirteen.

 _‘Well…’_ he amended. _‘Fifteen, now.’_

The grill closing with finality kept him from following that train of thought much further. “Well, sounds like we’ve got the party started already!” Derek quipped. “So…who wants food?”

Kento immediately called dibs, and everyone laughed.

The large gathering devolved into handfuls of smaller conversations. A discussion of how the appointment had gone and curiosity over how it had felt—Kento in particular pelted Tessa with rapid-fire questions about the process, many of which she was more than happy to pass over to Alexa—dominated his immediate vicinity. Rowen reached for Tessa’s hand as she joined him on the porch swing. She entwined her fingers with his almost absentmindedly, not stopping her chatter for a moment.

But the strength of her grip communicated all he needed it to.

The atmosphere relaxed considerably as the dozen-and-more people traded stories and laughter. With beautiful late-fall weather and not a single whisper about trial procedures, threat of youja, or other more worldly cares, the afternoon passed into early evening. Their late lunches quickly disappeared into growling stomachs, and soon thereafter Mia carried the twins’ birthday cake out to a chorus of “Happy birthday!”s.

No singing, however—trying to get this many people in key would have grated on too many nerves.

His eyes drifted to Sage, watching the blond retake his spot immediately beside Alexa on the long picnic bench at the main table. Throughout the whole time they’d been eating, violet eyes periodically glanced up from his plate to Derek, a faint gleam within that Rowen recognized all too easily.

He’d been the object of that protectiveness too much not to.

Now that his stomach no longer demanded he focus solely on satiating it, Tenku reached out to Kourin. _“You know, Alexa handled her father pretty well back there,”_ he said casually.

The glare that came back held nowhere near the kind of bite it could have. Exasperation colored his response to Rowen’s prodding. _“She’s only been going over potential ways the conversation could go for a month. I guessed he would tolerate whatever she did, but she wanted to go through conversation possibilities anyway.”_

 _“It’s a good way to prepare for any eventuality,”_ Rowen conceded, without backing down from the conversation. _“She is still learning to accept this family, after all.”_

Kourin passed the impression of a nod. _“She’s still so terrified of losing what she has…”_ he murmured sadly.

 _“Can there ever be anyone who isn’t?”_ His heart twisted sharply as he glanced at the woman beside him. She savored a bite of her cake, humming happily and without a clue as to his scrutiny. _“I don’t think I’ll ever not be afraid of losing Tessa, though I know the odds of it happening are relatively slim.”_

Sage smirked. _“Picked a ring yet?”_

Rowen had stepped right into that one. Of course he had, and Sage knew damn well he had. Kourin was simply using the topic as an excuse to dodge Tenku’s line of inquiry.

Suppressing a long and deep sigh, he humored Sage. _“I’d hope so by now. Alexa only_ buried _me in links to all the ones Tessa would probably like.”_ He paused only a moment to think of the little velvet ring box, tucked safely into one of the bookshelves in his Tokyo apartment. _“Enough about me, though. How’re you and Alexa?”_

The teeth behind Sage’s response startled him, a little. _“Pardon me for not wanting to answer that question because Alexa has already had one panic attack over how close we appear and everyone reading into it today.”_

Rowen winced. _“And Tessa told me Alexa’s happy with you, except also terrified you only tolerate her because you want something out of her.”_

 _“I’ve told her otherwise. She’s apologized for not believing me.”_ Kourin sighed. _“She’s incredibly insecure over how much I’m paying for in her life.”_

He raised an eyebrow, slowly sipping his soda. _“And there’s no way in the world to assuage those insecurities.”_

 _“You remember how I was, when we first moved in together.”_ He did, of course—especially how it had taken their pact about drinking for the blond to finally trust him. _“She needs time to get used to this.”_

_“Are you sure just time will do that for her? From what Tessa says, this goes deeper than something time alone can help.”_

_“Time is a good first step.”_

Rowen wanted to press—or at least indicate that Sage could, _should_ continue—but Liv announced it was time for presents.

That was fine. Like the expert archer he was, he could patiently bide his time.

Piles of presents quickly replaced the mountain of dishes, which now covered the kitchen counter and filled the dishwasher. Rowen thought Alexa’s wide eyes might permanently stick open. 

He had to admit, although gift-giving for birthdays wasn’t as nearly as big a deal in Japan, it was entertaining to watch the girls open them. The mashou had brought art paper for Alexa and a gorgeous green-hilted knife for Tessa; kitchen appliances meant for apartment dwellers for Alexa came from Cye and Kento; Sage had had a bokken custom-made for Tessa; and Cye had selected a Japanese fantasy novel from Sayoko’s bookstore for her. 

When Alexa pulled back the paper on Tessa’s present to her, the younger twin could hardly contain her toothy grin. A book entitled _Daring Greatly_ came away from the wrapping. Rowen briefly remembered Tessa mentioning it; it was something her sister had wanted for some time, now, but had been hesitant to purchase on her own for various reasons.

Tessa laughed when Alexa almost tackled her into a hug.

Sage’s present followed, revealing a set of Japanese paint brushes. She gasped, her gratitude filling the yoroi connection as he explained how he’d translated all the instructions. Now she wouldn’t have to rely on one of them to read them for her every time she wanted to use them.

Kourin got a tight hug and, after a moment’s delay, a peck on the cheek for his trouble.

Rowen smirked. _“Enjoying yourself?”_

His brother-in-arms simply laughed, pressing a subtle kiss to Alexa’s hairline.

Tessa had just finished opening Rowen’s gift to her at the same time. She inhaled appreciatively, lifting up the delicate stone pendant on a silver chain in order to better study it. Two dragons, one painted like the dawn and the other like the starry night, circled each other on a twilight backdrop. He had commissioned it from her favorite artist, and it cost him a pretty penny.

Hazel eyes caught his, though, and the wonder in them was gift enough for him.

She threw her arms around his neck, following up with an appreciative kiss Rowen wished would linger a little longer.

With what appeared to be the last of the gifts opened, Liv stood and whisked the torn wrapping paper off the table’s surface. Everyone else’s attention turned to Derek, as he cleared his throat and produced one final box from beneath his seat. It was relatively small—the type he’d seen Americans use to gift clothes—but wrapped in purple paper with a golden bow.

“This is from Liv and I.” He smiled at his daughters. “For both of you.”

Akatsuki felt faintly surprised. Curiosity rising, she stood from her seat beside Rowen and moved to her sister’s shoulder. Alexa took the box from her father with some apprehension, and the Ronin idly hoped what Tessa had said about her family’s methods of giftwrapping held true as it had to this point. All they needed right now was for a box that typically held clothing to _actually_ contain clothes meant for a recovering anorexic.

He had a hunch it _didn’t_ , thankfully.

The group watched with bated breath while the older twin ripped the paper off, then tossed the lid aside.

Long seconds passed as she studied whatever remained inside. Tessa almost immediately inhaled sharply, and Alexa soon echoed it. She dropped the box back to the table, hands covering her mouth in shock.

Akatsuki and Kure whirled with dozens of emotions.

“Oh my god—Dad? Are you _serious_?” Tessa asked, steadying herself with a hand on Alexa’s chair. Restrained enthusiasm and disbelief colored the question.

Now that the spell had been broken, the others carefully stood and moved forward to peer at whatever it was without crowding the pair too much. Rowen came up beside his girlfriend, resting a hand on her back as he laid eyes on the gift.

A glittering gold seal rested at the bottom of a page entitled, in large, bold letters, “Declaration of Adoption”.

“We thought it was high time you were welcomed back into the family,” Derek answered his youngest, though directing it mostly at his oldest.

That released the sob Alexa had been holding in. She reached for her sister, and Tessa was already sitting on the bench beside her to pull her into a tight hug. Contentment and joy circled between the yoroi, emotions both the Ronin and Warlords shared and for once did not pull away from.

To clarify exactly what that meant to the rest of them, although they had pretty much filled in the blanks already, Liv said, “We’re adopting Alexa.”

Right. Rowen remembered, now—part of the court settlement when Derek had divorced Deborah was limitation of his parental rights. 

Derek chuckled at that. “It hardly feels like it qualifies as an adoption, since she _is_ my daughter.” 

Between the tears, Alexa finally managed to say, “No wonder you didn’t freak out at the tattoo…!”

Her father laughed lightly at that. “That feels tame, after you showed up almost unannounced with a group of strangers from another country.”

Alexa poked her sister teasingly. “The tattoo was my idea and _you_ end up the wild child out of the two of us?”

Tessa raised an eyebrow at that pointing to herself. “ _I’m_ the wild child? You’re the brat who eggs me on,” she teased right back.

The former stuck her tongue out at her, playing along with the banter. Then she realized she would need a pen to sign the documents, and inquired as to the location of one. Tessa merely leaned over the table and plucked one wrapped with a green ribbon from the box, grinning as she handed it to her and ruffling her hair.

Reading through the documents uncovered the full details of the situation. What looked like simple adoption papers was, in actuality, a set of that from Virginia for Liv to adopt her, and a Canadian affidavit expressing her wish that her father’s rights be reinstated. At the bottom of the stack was a name change form, already filled out for the most part except signatures.

As the Schildneckts busied themselves sorting all that out, Rowen quietly left Tessa’s side and stood beside his own brother-in-all-but-blood.

It took only a few moments for Kourin to pick up the thread of their earlier discussion. _“I’m glad she has a family she can be herself with. She wouldn’t be happy with the Dates.”_

Rowen considered that angle. His knee-jerk reaction was to point out that she didn’t have to be—she just had to be happy with him. But that wouldn’t fly quite so well with Sage’s traditional upbringing. So instead he settled for saying, _“I think you underestimate your parents. And Jiisama’s not going to be around forever.”_

He stayed quiet for a while, contemplating the point. Tenku let it stand, waiting patiently for Sage’s mind to chew on that new tidbit.

A pen clattering against the wooden table caught their attention. “I’m never changing my name again,” Alexa jokingly announced. 

Rowen _felt_ Sage wince. Koseki law would dictate that any woman they married take their name—foreigners were no exception. _“There is also that.”_

The Ronin of Air sighed, running his fingers through his bangs. _“I’m sure something could be worked out.”_

_“When she’s ready to hear it.”_

_“And how long will that take?”_ he asked pointedly. _“Four years, when Jiisama said he’d set you up with a matchmaker? Ten years, when you’ve married a traditional woman you’re not happy with? Forty years, long after she’s moved on to someone else?”_

 _“I don’t know.”_ His brother paused. _“Maybe I’m waiting for her to realize it’s alright to build on what we already have.”_

 _“What_ do _you have?”_

 _“A desire to stay in each other’s lives.”_ Sage exhaled. _“I don’t know how much that means to her, though. Or… what anything we’ve done means.”_

He shot Sage a slightly alarmed glance. _“What you’ve done?”_

 _“Kissed… twice.”_  

Rowen immediately snatched Sage’s arm, tugging him toward the other side of the house in a motion that brooked absolutely no argument.

The blue-haired Ronin hadn’t missed the fact that, over the last two years, Sage had withdrawn from his usual dating scenes. Logically, it then followed that he hadn’t had any sort of meaningful intimacy—platonic or otherwise—for roughly that same period. He didn’t have to voice it for Rowen to know how he’d lost all hope of getting that kind of trust back, recently.

Especially after...

He shook his head at himself. _‘Nevermind.’_

All that mattered was: They had _kissed_? Twice? And _still_ hadn’t figured this out?

And Rowen was supposed to be the _youngest_ and therefore least mature of the Ronin.

He turned to his friend when they stopped on the other side of the house from the porch. “You _kissed her_??” he demanded, voice a hiss in order to hold back a full-on shout of surprise.

Bright red painted the bridge of Sage’s nose. He leaned against the siding, hands in pockets and decidedly avoiding Rowen’s eyes. “The first time was because she wanted to remove her ex’s kiss from her lips… and the second was because she wanted a second. I initiated the first, she initiated the second.”

His jaw dropped. “ _Sage_.” Rowen prodded him in the chest, leaving his finger there. “You’re an idiot.”

He knew that subtle arch to those elegant brows. Kourin was trying to dodge the heart of the issue. “You know as well as anyone how many people I have kissed.”

“And how many Alexa _hasn’t_ ,” he returned pointedly, emphasizing it with his finger once more.

One blond eyebrow rose higher up his forehead. “And you know that situation isn’t unusual, either.”

“ _Sage_ , she trusted you enough to initiate,” he said emphatically. “After a failed nearly-relationship that had her terrified to even _think_ about dating.”

He stared down at their feet, shoulders slumping dejectedly. “And she only worked up that trust after a reiteration we were platonic.”

Rowen folded his arms over his chest, half-glaring at his brother. “Contrary to popular belief, Tessa and I also had a platonic stage. Most relationships do.”

Laughter drifted from around the corner of the house to them, as Sage mulled that over. In almost a murmur, he finally replied, “I can’t ask her to work beyond her panic for me.”

“But you can stand beside her in it,” Rowen insisted. “I saw how Tessa was taking Michael’s trial and I couldn’t just ignore that. I could show her my commitment to her by offering her my support. Alexa is still learning that our support isn’t just surface deep. She needs repetition of that kind of commitment to know it’s real. You’re only going to hurt yourselves if you aren’t honest about what that actually looks like—not what you _think_ the other wants it to look like.”

“I’ve told her I want to date her. She knows where I stand.”

“Are you sure about that?” he demanded. “Are you sure she took that how you intended it? Or do you think maybe she just assumed what it meant based on her perception of who you are?”

Kourin’s hackles rose at that accusation. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve had how many kisses, just like you’ve said—because you’re popular, you’re handsome, you’re incredibly charismatic. She works as a stripper. You were raised as a traditional samurai, an _heir_ to Masamune’s legacy.” He refused to back down from the glare Sage tried to level at him through the bangs that had slid back over his right eye. “You think that’s not intimidating to someone who lived under the heel of her manipulative mother her whole life? You think you don’t have an invisible power over her that might frighten her to do anything but what you want of her? And you’re paying for ninety percent of her trial expenses, if not all of them.” He gave that a few seconds to sink in, before continuing, “Now imagine someone like that came to someone like her, and casually said once that _maybe_ they want to date you.”

Sage stared down at the ground, again, Kourin stubbornly silent. Rowen almost thought he might not reply, before the quiet admission of, “I don’t need to imagine it.” 

There was a haunted note behind that, and in his eyes and the curling of his normally broad shoulders. Not for the first time, Rowen wished he could have broken the nose of the guy who had done this to his brother. They’d spent five years up to that point working to build back his confidence; a single night had been all it took to put huge cracks in those new foundations.

He reached out to put his hands on Sage’s shoulders. “So, be honest with her. It may be difficult at first, but at least then the air will be clear between you two.”

The kendoka exhaled, then finally looked up and gave Rowen a toothy, lopsided smile. “It’s supposed to be older helping younger date, not the other way around.”

The soft teasing got Rowen to chuckle, bumping a fist against Sage’s arm. “Except when the elders get too thick in the head to realize what they’re doing,” he teased right back.

Only a gleam in his eyes warned Tenku of what was about to ensue. In a motion almost faster than Rowen could follow, Sage looped him into a loose headlock, ruffling the blue locks fondly. Rowen laughed, squirming to successfully disengage—and then made his own attempt at getting a headlock.

That was how the guys came around the corner fifteen minutes later—and found the two sprawled breathless beside each other on the lawn, laughing like they were teenagers again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: military, death talk, parental abuse, emotional abuse

—A—

I had a family again.

I was going to have my dad and a step-mom and my old name and a place to visit at Christmas and—

I was going to be on Tessa’s military paperwork.

The pure joy I had felt _moments_ ago left me like a tide. I feigned a headache, fingers pressed against the skin under my hairline, and glanced at my sister. “I need a break.”

My expression said ‘with you’, and she tugged at my hand, leading me around her—our parents to head farther away from the group, a place where we’d have privacy. We ended up standing by the oak tree in their front yard, away from the various crowds of people. Sage and Rowen had gone in the opposite direction.

I couldn’t believe I was actually thinking about bringing this up. I’d avoided it hardcore at her graduation, not wanting to ruin the moment even though I hadn’t had quite as bad a panic attack as I’d had previously gotten thanks to my medication increase. I had been a little too focused on the panic of trying not to set myself up with Sage as per Catherine’s instructions, and I was supposed to be happy for her. She had a job and felt a call and wanted to do this.

But now I couldn’t ignore it anymore, for how this was officially, legally, part of my life. 

Once we were out of earshot, she said, “What’s up, sis?”

I scuffed my toe in the dirt. “I was just wondering… what does this mean for… _your_ paperwork?”

Her eyebrows quirked down at the same moment her head tilted to the side— her general inquisitive look. “My paperwork?” 

I swallowed. This was the last conversation I wanted to have but there was no backing out now. “Military…”

It took her a few moments to switch tracks to that topic. We’d… never actually spoken about it, before, even at her graduation, from a combination of me dodging the topic whenever she mentioned it and me never bringing it up myself. 

I didn’t even know if she’d noticed my avoidance of the topic.

“Military paperwork? Well…” Once she had confirmation, she started thinking about it. “The only stuff that really changes, that they’re concerned about, are insurance and…next of kin notification.”

It was hard not to have a sharp inhale at hearing those words. I looked down stubbornly. “I wondered if that last one was on the list…”

She put her hands on my shoulders. “Only if you want it to be.” Now it was her turn to look away, lip going between her teeth. “I…wasn’t sure you’d want me to…”  

 _Something_ about that felt like a slap in the face. Something that felt vaguely like all the times I’d wondered if she cared enough about me to bother listing me as family. “Finding out if you’ve died or gone MIA would be nice, yes.”

She winced and withdrew her hands, going to half hug herself. “I didn’t… I thought you’d. Be hurt. To hear it.” Her voice dropped to a murmur. “Didn’t know you’d _want_ that.”

I wanted to laugh at the thought I’d be hurt to find out she was missing or dead. She’d already done that damage when she said she was going into the military. Finding out she was dead would just be the icing on the cake. 

It took me long moments to filter my initial reaction through enough fine screens to not tip my hand. “Would stop my brain from going off obsessing over it every time you dropped off contact since I could tell it if you were in trouble, I’d know.”

She nodded before looking up at me. “Dawn would tell you, y’know.”

I shrugged. “It’s the sentiment of it.” 

There was also the fact I had made up my mind fairly early on to _not_ sense anything about her various experiences. I wasn’t about to drive myself crazy reaching towards that part of the world, knowing she was in an active war zone.

“Y-yeah…” she said, shrinking even further. The more we had talked the more she had collapsed in on herself, picking up on my feelings of betrayal and her own regret at the miscommunication around the topic. Or, more accurately, the complete lack of communication on the topic.

I didn’t have it in me to pretend it was okay.

Eventually she got out, “‘m sorry, sis.” 

I wanted to feel bad that this was likely a holdover from Michael. That I was, in a way, lording over her emotions like Michael. I was playing a self-centric game that said ‘please me, or else.’ I knew how toxic that was. But in the end, I was too satisfied that finally _she_ was hurting about this, too. 

Still, I kept all of that out of my tone. It wasn’t fair to her. “S’your life. No need to apologize for your own choices.”

If I told myself that enough, maybe I’d believe it.

“No, no that’s—that’s not what I mean, sis,” she said hurriedly, hands raised slightly but not quite reaching out. Pleading. “I do _want_ you there. I never would have dreamed I’d ever be able to have my sister there I just… I didn’t… Every time we talked about me going in the military it seemed painful to you so I just. I didn’t know you _would_ want that…”

She seemed to want an answer, and I was bitter enough to give it. “Leaving all your friends to go join up with squad blood forged family is a pretty painful thought, yeah.” 

Tessa stared at me. I barely needed to look at her to see the hurt in her eyes; Dawn broadcast it loud and clear. “What? Sis, what’re you talking about?” 

“Nobody else’ll understand living _that_ kind of war,” I expanded, unable to hide the raw anger at the concept. “ _That_ kind of life, where you’re on call 24-7 and have to build your schedule around them and you’ll be with a bunch of like-minded people and I’m just the weird girl from another country who’ll eventually be on the other side of the world at least three times if not permanently from the moment you get your first posting.”

Her hand firmly went on my shoulder. “Sis.” 

Her tone said to look at her. I just glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. 

“ _I’m not leaving you,_ ” she said in a tone that matched her grip. “And neither are Dad or Liv, or the guys. We are all irreparably linked and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I glanced at her hand, then the ground. All that statement did was add another barb to the wire fence, one I’d been feeling since the beginning of all this. “The guys’ll understand war, at least.”

“But you’re the only sister I have.” She smiled, slightly. “I don’t think Rowen will ever understand our love of salon days and nail polish colors.”

“You have Sage for that.”

She barked out a laugh before realizing how serious I was that I was replaceable. “But I didn’t when Michael was abusing me. I wouldn’t have had to courage to face him if it hadn’t been for you.”

That… was something. Something I hadn’t really heard before. Something _only_ we would have for how she’d never have another relationship again.

Which made it worthless, for how I wouldn’t replicate it. 

I shook my head. “You wrote a blank cheque payable up to your life to the government. _They_ own you. And as much as I hate it, there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

Dawn broadcast a desire to hug me. Dusk indicated she could, but as her arms wrapped around my shoulders and her face pressed into my neck, I didn’t return the touch. “They may own my time but they don’t own my heart. Not all of it.”

“Enough of it.”

Dawn kept crashing against the glass wall I put up so she wouldn’t sense what I was feeling, trying to figure out what was wrong.

Eventually, she pulled back enough to look at me. “Don’t listen to Deborah. Whatever the fuck she thinks she knows about the military, she _doesn’t_.”

My anger cracked, words _lashing_ out at the first opportunity. Something I’d been wanting to ask for years. “Then what do you call no contact for six months except breaking your dependence on the outside world in preparation to leave it completely?”

Dawn flooded the break with compassion, hugging me again. “A lie, sis. That’s a lie.” After a moment—to give me time to gather myself after a _sharp_ sob— she explained, “Even if I deploy I can still _have_ contact, just not as frequently because I’ll be working. But other than that, it’s just a job the same as any other.” She leaned her forehead against mine. “I have no intention of going over there to die.”

Another lash of anger, this one barely strong enough to push through the lump in my throat. “Nobody does but they do anyway.”

“Dawn will protect me,” she said fervently, smoothing a hand over my hair.

I knew what I wanted to say was unfair. I’d apologize for it tomorrow. But the yawning void of abandonment was too hungry to be satisfied without an _answer_. “Why would you take a job where you _have_ to leave me?” 

“I chose before you had come into my life,” she said sadly, arms tightening around me. “And even now, like I already said, I’m not leaving you. No matter where in the world I am I’m _still_ your sister.” She pulled back suddenly, grabbing my newly-tattooed wrist and holding it against hers so they were side by side. “I would not have agreed to _this_ if I didn’t believe that.”

I could only stare at that. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was my mom’s back to me as she stood and prayed for five or more hours a day, every day, eight hours two days a month, every month, yelling at me if I disturbed her at the wrong time. “Mom always said she would do anything for me then…” 

She tugged me down to the ground, letting me rest against her as my whole body began to shake. Her hand smoothed up and down my arm as she spoke. “I know, sis. I know… But she showed her true colors a long time ago. And I know it’s hard to believe anyone else because of that, but I’m going to do whatever I can to prove that to you.”

I _scrambled_ to hug her back, clinging to the first scrap of honest love I had gotten and had thought I’d lost forever five years ago. Pent-up sobs I hadn’t let myself express then—my mom hadn’t let me express them then because I just had to get used to her leaving me for the military—finally escaped, an agonizingly deep wound in my soul finally draining.

She held me. Just… _held me_. She stayed with her back against the tree’s trunk and her arms tight around me and Dawn hummed with love and caring and understanding it was okay I needed to cry.

A fraction of me believed she would stay.

After so long of being convinced otherwise, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

—~—

The others had left shortly after Alexa had finished crying about… something. She hadn’t told them what, but she had looked fragile as glass when receiving hugs by Mia, Ryo, Kento, and Cye before the mashou had returned them to Japan. Rowen and Sage had stayed behind in part to support the girls, in part to support each other. Since the girls hadn’t reached out, they had stayed in the living room to be close at hand.

It was a rare thing to play video games together, and Sage’s early ability to control his character partway reflected that. Much to Rowen’s amusement.

He had only _just_ started to get the hang of it again when Tessa left the porch around midnight— and his mind went to what could be keeping Alexa up much later than her sister.

He put his controller down without a thought and slipped outside.

Alexa looked up at him from the little ball she had made on the steps. “I’m okay…”

He sat down next to her, a hand going onto her back. “I know.”

They both knew she was technically lying; ‘okay’ had become a code word for ‘not about to self harm or contemplate suicide’, and did not actually mean nothing was troubling her. She’d been saying it a lot more, lately, and it sounded genuine. He wanted to press, not quite believing she was actually feeling better. But he had also learned she would tell him if it was important or urgent enough. Or when she finally got through her anxiety at sharing something about herself. She hadn’t given any indication of physical distress, either, which was the same as admitting her emotional state.

They were much the same, that way.

She leaned into him, asking permission to tuck herself against his side. He simply slid his arm around her and tugged her closer, letting her rest against him.

“S’weird realizing how much my mom treated the military as a cult…”

He had picked up on it, when she’d been worried about Tessa’s graduation. She had almost said that her sister was about to join a cult. But the way her anger and helplessness had burned, she hadn’t been ready to realize it. Not without Tessa there to soothe her worries; none of the Ronin could say how military life would go. But the way Dusk had released from knots he hadn’t even realized were there…

She squeezed her knees against her chest again. “It’s… apparently not, at least.”

He rubbed her arm. “At least you were able to get reassurance.”

She nodded. “I’d always kinda wanted to be her official family so I could… have that stake.”

He pressed his lips against her hair. “I’m glad.”

She unfolded her left arm, staring at her new tattoo in the porch light. Dusk’s general aura was pensive, with perhaps a touch of fear. “This almost feels useless, now.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

She sighed, fear more prominent now. “I grew up on the tattoos-will-lose-you-everything school of thought, from significant others to job opportunities. What if your god-directed path had a no tattoos admission policy, you had to keep your skin mark free in order to take it. As if I’d want to bend myself down that path. Any significant other has to be okay with tattoos, or else I don’t want the person.”

He tried not to freeze at that, thinking back to the defensiveness she had expressed when telling the others she was getting a tattoo with her sister. He had chalked it up to her fears of abandonment and Japan’s general attitude about tattoos, but now he wondered if she had been fishing for a particular kind of reassurance. One he hadn’t given at the time.

She hadn’t mentioned significant others hating tattoos, before.

Sage took her wrist in his free hand. “Your love for your sister is too beautiful not to display it so prominently.” 

His hunch, as it turns out, had been correct. The sheer _hopefulness_ in her tone broke his heart. “So you’re alright with it?”

He had already said yes, it was her choice so she could do what she wanted with her body. This was a different question entirely—or maybe, the same one, except this was his first time realizing what she was truly asking. “I have always found tattoos on Westerners to be beautiful. Even yakuza tattoos hold their appeal, for the artistry involved.” 

She let that sink in, words slowly working their way from her chest to her tongue. “And if I got more?”

He paused. This was sounding suspiciously like seeking his approval. Something he had tried to say that, as a friend, she didn’t need. Or, _he_ didn’t think she needed. As Rowen had pointed out, potential for differences in belief was a fairly large chasm. 

“How many more do you want?”

She shrugged. “I’ve always liked them and wanted lots, so…”

He had to think about that, both as an answer and his own feelings. “You… would struggle to find a locker room or public bath that accepted you if you got, for example, a sleeve. I would have to check for the laws and regulations around smaller pieces, if you described them.” He paused again, seeing if she had an expectation to continue. When he realized she wanted more, he tried to keep his voice level. “I’m sure whatever you wanted would be beautiful.”

She exhaled, leaning against him more heavily. “It’s hard, when any love and acceptance you got was only skin deep, then you go about thinking of changing your skin…”

He nodded, hiding a flinch at how that paralleled his own hatred of his seppuku scar. “I understand.” 

“Of course you do.”

That wasn’t said dismissively. The fondness in her tone spoke to their closeness—which, if Rowen was to be believed, was artificially distant.

“May I ask you a completely random question?” At her small sound of acknowledgement indicating he could, he took a breath and asked, “Who do you think I am?”

She blinked and frowned, staring in front of her. “That… is an odd question. Why do you want to know?”

He licked his lips. “Do you trust me enough to answer before I tell you?”

She shifted uncomfortably. “Not particularly…”

Well. That answered part of his question. Just not in the way he’d hoped. “It… has come to my attention that… I might not be doing anything to ease your fears. About dating, especially.”

She immediately tensed, Kure shifting away from Kourin. “I told you I don’t want a relationship…”

He put his hand on the back of her head. “I’m not asking you to join me in one. I simply… want to clarify what I’m looking for. Perhaps, what we are each looking for.”

She turned her head away from him. “You can clarify that without finding out how I feel about you.”

Part of him knew he should have expected that. But when it came time to speak, he found himself at a loss for words—Yayoi’s decades-old teasing playing in his mind. No matter how much he tried to will past it, his throat and mouth refused to move.

Kourin reached out to Kure. _“When I get nervous, I can’t speak.”_

She unwound a fraction, compassion flooding their connection. _“What are you nervous about?”_

He managed a smile at that. _“I’m normally the one being confessed to. Not the one confessing.”_

_“You’ve already confessed, though…”_

He cleared his throat, forcing his anxiety to calm. She wasn’t dangerous. Still, he was hoarse and quiet. “Not the way I want to.”

Now, she turned her face towards him. “How do you want to?”

They were close enough to kiss; as much as Sage _wanted_ that to be his answer, he continued speaking, forehead resting against hers. “In a way that tells you I have resented my family’s expectations my whole life, and I have always followed the ‘rebellious’ part of my name as much as the ‘samurai’.”

She swallowed, but otherwise let him continue.

“I’m not expecting a traditional partner. I was ready to commit to Yusei before he said he didn’t want a public life like being my husband in everything but name would entail. Same sex relationships in Japan always lead to more scrutiny, and it would have marked me as _other_ for the rest of my life. Or at least until it is normalized.” He took a breath to steady himself, hand going to her jaw. “When I say I would not mind dating you, I mean _you_. The raw, wild, aggressive, ambitious, _untamable_ person that is Dusk’s bearer. The one who doesn’t feel romantic love. The one who trusts her body with almost nobody. The one who stays up far too late with panic attacks or writing or one too many true crime shows. The one who wants her own business and who refuses to commit to an exclusively domestic life.” He pulled away slightly, looking at her. “The person I have come to know and cherish over the past year.”

She looked away, but not before he caught her eyes shining with moisture in the porch light. “Oh…”

He brushed a thumb under her eye. “The only times I want to see you change is when you change for yourself. No one else has the right to demand that, least of all me.”

A tear escaped. “I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

He kissed her forehead. “We don’t have to.”

She deflated, tipping into him and gripping his shirt. “Too many emotions today.”

“I know,” he said softly, rubbing her back with nagging guilt. “I… realize I should have likely waited to tell you. But I wanted to do it while I was here.”

She nuzzled into him. “Kinda glad you did it now.”

He gently pulled her onto his lap, letting her tremors and shivers dissipate into his body. She wrapped her arms around his neck, hiding from the world and the chill of the October night. He wished he’d brought a blanket out to help with that, but he hadn’t—and he didn’t exactly want to increase her stress by having Rowen come outside at this very moment. He used Kourin instead, letting his yoroi act as a barrier between her skin and the outside world.

Slowly but surely, she relaxed against him.

“Want to go to bed?”

She shook her head. “Just stay.”

His heart tugged at the response he wanted to give, hoping she wouldn’t take it wrong. “As long as you need.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: emotional abuse discussion, attempted rape discussion, suicidal ideation heavily implied

—A—

My head was still spinning after talking to Sage, even the next morning.

As tempting as it was to talk to my sister about it, I didn’t really want to open up that pandora’s box. Not when we’d just talked about the military. Not when she was _so adamant_ that Sage and I were perfect for each other, when the last thing I wanted was a relationship. 

I reached for the wall between worlds, instead.

With a little bit of thought, Dais pulled me the remainder of the way to the youjakai. I shook myself off once there, trying to dispel the lingering memories of learning how to do that in the cult. Also the lingering feeling _of_ the cult, for how their pocket dimension was very close to the wall.

“I hope they did not try to take you, this time.”

I shook my head. “Kayura’s barriers are working fine.”

Wood resting against wood indicated he’d put his paintbrush down. Almost no matter when I came, he was in his garden, trying to capture the likeness of the youjakai in still life—or to create a bonsai that Sage would kill to have in his collection.

I did not want to think about Sage.

Dais was either giving me privacy, or obfuscating stupidity. “Would this have anything to do with the conversation you had with your sister?”

I snorted. “Which one?”

He rested his cheek on his hand, elbow propped against the table in front of him, twisting at the waist to accomplish that. “That is for you to tell me, is it not?”

I plopped down on one of the cushions scattered in his garden gazebo. “The first one, about Sage, then the second one, _with_ Sage.”

He turned to face me properly, now, moving in such a way his kimono still draped elegantly around him. “I suppose she reiterated what we have told you for months, now—that you compliment each other beautifully.”

I brought my knees to my chest. “Only she insisted that it was a reason we should get together, completely ignoring I didn’t want to, then Sage told me what he was looking for and everything I was afraid of vanished but I don’t believe him and I just wish people would let us be _friends_.”

A gust of wind and a sense of a hand on my head announced Anubis’ arrival. I simply closed my eyes, waiting as his form condensed beside me.

“You know I will ask how much of that is from your mother.”

I sighed. “I know…”

Dais inclined his head. “As much as I wish I could remove her influence from your mind, Natsu will not allow me to heal the scars that allowed you to survive.”

He’d said that to me about a few things. The fact I had so much trauma, it was immeasurable. I hadn’t wanted to hear it. I understood Sage’s rage, in that respect, the rage he kept hidden but appeared every time we spoke of regrets and parts of our lives we wished were different. About scars we hid but could not erase.

I currently hated how involuntarily my thoughts kept circling back to Sage.

Summer nudged Dusk. “You have yet to answer the query.”

I burrowed my face into my pulled up thighs at that. “I was never supposed to have a relationship.”

Anubis’ hand went up and down my spine. “Did she give any reasons why?”

Blinking away moisture in my eyes was proving futile. “What reasons _didn’t_ she give…” 

They were silent, not letting that sit as an acceptable answer.

I pulled my knees even closer to my chest, turning my head so they could hear me. “I was too cold, I’d abuse my significant other through neglect, I was too busy with a career, I was too angry, I never did any chores, I was too lost in my own head, I was…” I shuddered, scrunching my eyes shut. “I was too much like her version of my biodad.”

I was like him, of course—at least, parts of me were. Dark hair, a scientific mind, a love of all puzzles, winding down with frequently-solitary activities. My brain stopped me from going any further than that, memories of all the times she’d told me _just_ those things would make someone hate me if we lived in the same house overwhelming.

Dais pushed the memories back, gently, giving me enough space to breathe.

I inhaled like I was drowning from the inside out, water choking my throat until all I could do was cry.

Platitudes that I was lovable did nothing when all I had been told for twenty years said that under it all, my day to day behaviour would eventually drive everyone who lived in close proximity to me to a place of realizing they are so much better off without me.

At least around others, I could mask to a certain degree. At least here, I could leave when I sensed my welcome was being overstayed. At least the way my life was now, I could pretend everything was fine and have nobody actually be physically there at my darkest, when I would scream and rant and rave and shove them away and be their worst, ungrateful, abrasive nightmare.

If I was in a relationship, the mask would drop eventually.

That wasn’t even counting how hard normal dating behaviour was, for how I didn’t like movies and going out was hit or miss for being able to eat anything there without getting sick.

Why would _anyone_ fall in love with me?

Anubis stroked my back, soaking up the extra energy my anxiety was producing like a hamster on a wheel. “You are the farthest from cruel, Kure. And I say that as the former Warlord _of_ cruelty.”

Dais nodded along. “As evident, your father found love again. Your _mother_ , despite all of her faults, also remarried. And many of the activists you follow and speak about are married, as well, with their conditions. In many cases, your illnesses add value to others’ lives—with Kourin’s case, he knows he is not alone. And while illness can be a burden, the Ronin are nothing if not adept at carrying one without breaking. They already are, and have carried Sage to the point he no longer needs more than their existence to continue.”

“A bundle of arrows is stronger than an individual shaft,” I murmured into my knees. “I know.”

Anubis’ hand paused on my head. “But?”

I sighed. “We’re broken in the same place.”

Dais shook his head. “The same way, perhaps, but in different places. And even if it was the same place—” he lifted his hand out of his kimono sleeve, producing two broken arrows with almost-identical breaks. The crooked shafts were at the same angle, the wood half separated from itself. Putting them side by side so one disappeared behind the other, he said, “If you rest the shafts like this, strain will snap them. But…” He returned the arrows to their straightened position and put the breaks against each other. “If they are held in this way, then the weaknesses are halved.”

I swallowed at that. 

The arrows vanished out of his palm, hands returning to his lap. “I suppose you must come to terms with being a desirable person, after your whole life has taught you otherwise.”

The way he said ‘desirable’ as a fact, the simple statement I had to adjust to, made me curl up tighter into a ball. I sniffed to try and keep the tears at bay, pressing my face even harder into my thighs.

“If anyone would have seen reason to leave you, it would be us,” he said softly. “You have snapped at us for cleaning in ways that make your symptoms worse, you have been short with us from hunger or stress, we have cared for you when your physical state allows you to barely care for yourself, and we have seen the results. But we also take the greatest joys in the nights we spend with you, the games we play, the stories you tell. Reading your writing has allowed us to take the pain of our memories and put it aside, to remember that time in our life more fondly. You are worth so much more than your illnesses, and we all wish you had heard such a message more.”

There went the waterworks, as Tessa would say.

I honestly hated who I sometimes became around the Warlords. They had stopped my self-destruction more times than I cared to count, which meant a lot of arguing that no, I didn’t want to eat at all today, or no, no, do not touch that pile of clothes on the floor it has a purpose right where it is, and no I most certainly did not want to go furniture shopping for alternatives about that problem I was complaining about, I’d probably pass out halfway through.

It was the least flattering picture of myself, and the one I tried to hide the most. The parts that, if I let them slip around my mom, I would find out how much that would erode any goodwill I could even hope to create.

And here they’d been seeing some of the worst of me for over a year and I was still worthwhile to them.

Anubis’ presence wrapped around me. “You have not tricked Kourin into loving you, Kure. He is not another client of yours who you actively charmed into loving the fantasy you provide. He has seen your humanity almost as much as we have and still wishes to stand beside it.”

I still didn’t believe it.

But maybe I could start to see my mom was wrong, and that was good enough for now.

—~—

Sage lay in bed the night after the girls’ birthday party, unable to sleep. He tried to tell himself it was the sudden switch between time zones and the hyper-reactivity from seeing Cale for such an extended period of time. And while it was true both of those were part of it, there was a shadow deep within his memories he did not want to face.

He hadn’t dated since Itsurō.

And despite their kisses, despite Rowen’s prodding, despite _everything_ , Sage hadn’t quite registered he was at a serious possibility of having a romantic relationship with Alexa. Or, something that looked similar enough that even she would call it that.

It had been a relief, in a sense, to find out she was aromantic. A lack of pressure. An escapism fantasy over the terrifying reality. It had been a relief, in a sense, to find out she still wanted a life partner. The potential to keep her in his life for as long as they could. A potential future together in ways that could go beyond what they had now. 

The two feelings conflated and clashed in his mind, a too-attuned sense of danger warning him; her armour was darkness based, her charm rivaled his, and she knew vulnerabilities about him that could destroy him.

She _could_ be Itsurō.

She _could_ be Cale.

She was even friendly with Cale, catching herself when she mentioned his dogs, checking if Sage was alright hearing about his pack or the purification efforts in the youjakai bringing peace back to that world. Sage always said he was alright. In moments like this he wondered how much of that was a lie, just to hear her speak. Just to try and convince himself that it was the past.

Everything about Alexa screamed danger and he had just ignored all of that to confess to her.

And he hated himself for it.

Kourin glowed on his nightstand, the only thing keeping him from seeing living shadows in the corners of his eyes. He sat up in bed and picked up his yoroi, barely registering the clock reading 3:00. If he had been smart, he would have taken his sleeping pills around 23:00. He could technically take them now, if he wanted to broadcast to his family he’d had trouble sleeping by missing morning kendo and meditation. It’s not like it was particularly necessary for him to attend, from an outsider’s perspective. His next _dan_ exams weren’t for another year, and he had no competition to train for except demonstrational ones. But he rarely missed morning sessions, unless something was wrong.

He didn’t know if he could bring himself to admit that.

Sage raked a hand through his hair, trying to reset his mind. She was the second person outside of the Ronin he trusted when darkness fell. She was the third person—and the first who hadn’t been through the War—he had told about his suicide attempt. She was _safe_. She showed him more compassion than he deserved, most days, and she was… he kept forgetting she was a Ronin, as well, now. And her Ronin path was similar to his, having grown up knowing there was responsibility with this bloodline. And feeling like it was impossible to live up to standards set by the people who raised them.

He lay back down in bed, trying to at least rest. She had taught him that, when they spoke of insomnia. How she’d stopped trying to get up and do things, because just laying down and closing your eyes and turning out the world was better than nothing. Taking the pressure off sleep, to let your body and mind heal.

It must’ve worked, for how he woke up when his alarm went off.

Ojiisama scolding him for not being present was a well-deserved retribution, for how true it was. Kendo was his time to put everything that was bothering him out of his mind. Over the years he’d proven to himself over and over again that he couldn’t. The self-hatred he had felt earlier only amplified, this particular thought pattern all too familiar. All too blood-tainted.

He knew how much trouble that meant he was in, mentally. It had been nearly two years since his assault and it still felt like yesterday. And on days like today, the War felt like yesterday. He didn’t know which thought made him sicker.

A message from Cye awaited him when he got out of the shower. He swiped his phone open once a towel was around his waist. ‘You’ve been quiet, since returning.’

He exhaled and lay down in bed, forgoing doing his hair despite its awkward length and styling requirements. ‘I have been doing too much thinking and not enough talking, apparently…’

‘We know,’ came the reply, Suiko soft and warm with notes of Rekka still present in it. ‘Do you want to change that?’

He exhaled. ‘So long as none of this makes it back to Rowen.’

That brought a note of puzzlement. ‘Why just him?’

‘Because I’m not sure if I want a relationship with Alexa, and he’s been the one pushing me to talk to her the hardest.’

The phone was quiet for a bit, after that. Long enough for Sage to drop it on his chest and close his eyes. Long enough for a flashback to a nightmare about being photographed naked in his exact position to grip his throat and have him rocketing up to put on clothes.

By the time he finished putting on underwear and binding sarashi around his abdomen, Cye had responded. The timestamp revealed it had been a few minutes ago. ‘She won’t do that to you, Seiji’

He clenched a fist and released it before replying, ‘I cannot convince my mind of that and yes I hate myself for it.’

This time, Sage heard the soft buzz of a reply. ‘Is it the idea of a relationship?’

He finished buttoning his trousers and stared at that message for long, long moments. ‘I don’t want to say yes.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’ve *been* in relationships,’ he began, ignoring putting on a shirt now that he felt covered enough nothing would be compromising. ‘I’ve been in a dozen. You were with us in high school; you saw how everyone called me a playboy within months. I’m not adverse to relationships.’

Cye was, again, quiet. Just when Sage was about to go deal with his hair, a new message arrived. ‘I’d argue they were never relationships in the sense of mine with Sachi, or Rowen and Tessa.’

That made Sage blink. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Yusei was simply you trying to date men, enjoying your time together and enjoying the touch. You were never in a relationship for more than a few weeks, otherwise, and the majority of your dates were to let them down gently that you simply weren’t interested in them. You spend most of your time resenting your family for expecting you to have a traditional wife and marriage and public relationship. You would rather pretend to date than get unwanted romantic attention, and that was before Itsurō. Before you found your false partners, you’d shrink away from every person who demanded a future with you.’ There was a pause, drawing emphasis to the last message in the chain. ‘You don’t seek out people to build a future with. Which is something I didn’t understand until Alexa spoke the same way’

He pressed his lips together, seeing the trail Cye was laying for him and not wanting to go down that path. ‘I want a future with her, though.’

Still, Cye pressed. ‘As a wife, or as a friend?’

That was something he could use to shut the door. ‘I don’t think “friend” is the most accurate word.’

Or not. ‘I believe the term Alexa would use is “friends with benefits”?’

Sage _blushed_ , rubbing a hand over his mouth to try and hide the expression on his face. Damn Cye’s perceptiveness. ‘I only ever want to sleep with one person and you know that.’

‘It doesn’t mean you need a romantic relationship with that one person’ Cye responded, Suiko still gentle. ‘I would have thought that meant marriage until recently, but the way she speaks about relationships, it sounds like she wouldn’t consider such a dynamic casual.’

He rubbed his face for a completely different reason. One he was absolutely loathed to admit, so he didn’t. He’d already interrogated his orientation once. He didn’t want to again. ‘Maybe that is all I want, then. It was a relief to find out both that she didn’t want a romantic relationship, and that she still wanted somebody to share her life with. I thought those two were contradictory, but…’

Because when it came down to it, he had never bothered asking her what sort of relationship _she_ wanted.

They had had vague discussions about it, but all topics of relationships and partnerships _directly_ had been closed. Because it had been the poles of a romantic relationship, or ‘just friends’. Then he’d found out what she even considered his ideal partner, which was so at odds with what he actually wanted… and now he didn’t even know what he wanted relationship-wise, himself.

Was he simply sick at the thought that his confession might lead to a type of relationship he didn’t want?

‘Just as much as you bemoan your parents expectations, she wonders if she will ever find someone who wants the same type of relationship as her,’ Cye responded. ‘Perhaps looking at your experience with Itsurō through the lens that he wanted more than you were willing to give will help?’

The original topic of this conversation brought the darkness right back. ‘That is certainly one way to describe it’

A single date. A single evening to try compatibility. He hadn’t wanted anything more. 

He’d missed the companionship, the touch, the possibilities. The security of someone beside him; insurance against a lifetime of loneliness. The lack of strings that dating men provided. The fun of having someone to share experiences with. Something he had lost so completely when he moved back to Sendai, and had been trying to fill the void of ever since.

And here this man had taken away every choice relating to a significant other away from him.

Tears welled up in his eyes for the first time at this thought. 

Itsurō had taken the _fun_ of dating away from him, and now he felt trapped in a box of commitments and seriousness. Of evaluating every person for the potential it would lead to, every relationship weighed against whether or not he wanted to share every part of himself with them. What ifs ruled his mind, nobody safe.

He didn’t want declarations of care to always lead to a relationship.

He didn’t want a relationship. Not in the sense Rowen was pushing him into. Not in the sense Cye had spoken about with Sachiko. 

But he loved Alexa.

Cye’s next message drove him back to reality. ‘Do you feel like Itsurō was trying to bind you to him?’

Sage’s lip twitched in rage, tear escaping and running down his temple. ‘Considering the rumours he spread about me after, that I cheated on him, I feel like there is no other conclusion to his reactions’

‘A “if you don’t let me have you, I’ll make sure no one else will” situation?’

‘Yes.’

Cye’s typing icon revealed just how cautiously he was trying to word his next message, a dozen starts and stops punctuating it. ‘Do you feel like he succeeded?’

He rolled onto his side, a fresh tear trailing down his nose. ‘I haven’t dated since, have I?’

How could he, when half the people in college thought he was nothing but a cheater, and the other half had been caught up in worshiping the athlete he was training to be. Now that he had graduated, he didn’t know if he trusted any of the groups he could go and enjoy himself at—they could be populated by either people who had taken Itsurō’s side, or Itsurō himself. And dating women was a murky pit of unknowns, so many vying to receive the Date name and the status that came along with it. He wasn’t looking for a wife.

‘He doesn’t own you.’ 

Sage blinked to see the screen better. ‘He owns the story out there.’

Again, Cye’s typing icon popped up and down. ‘He doesn’t have to. People already know he’s a serial rapist. He’s only just now been released from prison. He’s not the same powerful man you hid from after it happened.’

He swallowed, trying to distract that topic. ‘Do you think I was right? For hiding?’

‘At the time, yes,’ Cye began. ‘But I think you will have to own this part of your history eventually.’

He got up from bed, trying to force down the rising tension in his body. ‘I don’t want to, yet’

‘It’s terrifying, I know,’ Cye responded, more blunt than usual. ‘I’m not downplaying the terror. I’m saying I believe it will be worthwhile.’

That was a message Sage didn’t have to respond to, and both of them knew it. Because as much as Sage agreed, and his history had proven him right, he didn’t want to face the vulnerability of talking about it in public. 

He didn’t speak about his emotions in public. Ever.

Nobody outside of the Ronin and those who had lived through the War even knew about his suicide attempt. His family knew about his PTSD, because his insomnia was impossible to hide, but they didn’t know how _dark_ the trauma could get. Even if Yayoi and Satsuki had caught sight of his scar; he’d never confirmed what it was and they had never asked. 

Yayoi had taught him makeup tricks after, however, which he was still grateful for. Even if it meant she had likely guessed. Their rooms were on the opposite sides of the same dividing wall; while it wasn’t as thin as shoji, it wasn't soundproofed.

He didn’t know if his nightmares made him yell. He was afraid to ask Rowen. From what research he’d done into it, the answer was likely yes. He tried not to think about it. 

He washed the tears off his face, wincing at the stubble he’d left this morning. He’d hit snooze once too many times to properly get ready before kendo practice, which hadn’t helped Ojiisama’s comments. The rest of his family had been gentle with him, knowing what that meant at least a little, but there were some parts about Ojiisama that would never change no matter how open Sage was about his mental health. This was one of them.

He grabbed shaving supplies he used when he was struggling and wanted to spend extra time, retreating away from the others temporarily just to stop feeling like he had to perform for them.

The warm water splashing on his hand and dripping into the bowl as he built the liquid into foam grounded him. It was the same peace he felt creating matcha, the brush movements mirroring how he whisked it—especially when he and Cye shared tea ceremony. 

Creating something, no matter how small, helped him feel distant from all the images others had built for him in high school. From the memories of the men and women who had fallen over themselves for his image, and those who had sneered for that same image. Those who wanted to possess him. Those who were curious.

He didn’t want to think about how that curiosity had turned to voyeurism, how it had turned to objectification. Applying the lather created the illusion of a mask, at least, making it easier to get himself off that track. Cye was right, in that regard—even after growing out of the age of practice relationships, he wasn’t looking to forge a bond that would lead to… whatever it is those around him were building. 

He’d thought he was just young, in a sense, robbed of the emotional closeness from PTSD making it so difficult to relate with others. 

Maybe it was something else.

He was going to have to explore his orientation again, at this rate.

At least this time he wouldn’t be petrified of losing his best friends out of disgust for who he loved, or lack thereof. It was ironic, in a sense, how he had provided that safety for Alexa. And now, she was providing that space for him. While the Ronin had been curious, they hadn’t scoffed at the idea—and as evident by Cye, they had even come to realize it could be equivalent to a romantic relationship. 

He exhaled, reconnecting back into the others and distracting himself from the blade he was now holding. To his surprise, Kure was leaning against the wall he had put up, curious and alone. 

 _“Are you alright?”_ she asked before he had a chance to do the same.

He tried not to flinch at that, not knowing what she had sensed and which would be worse; his emotions, or the lack of them. A flinch with a blade against his skin was a very bad idea. _“I’m okay.”_

It was… comforting, to have created a code that said he was suicidal without saying those words. He would ask the guys to fight, or to go have a drink together, when he wanted to say he was in trouble. The simplicity of these words took so much pressure off of him, and he was almost surprised he’d not come up with something before.

Then again, he tried to pretend those moods didn’t exist half the time.

Kure poked Kourin tentatively. _“You didn’t feel okay an hour ago…”_

And he hadn’t reached out to her when that happened, something that had already become a habit. Or at least, habit enough he didn’t wait until she messaged him, and paid slightly more attention to when she was around. He hadn’t reached out to her overnight, either, despite the fact she would be awake in the middle of the afternoon and he had spoken to her during insomnia periods before.

Maybe some of the heat in Suiko had been Kure.

He exhaled pent-up air in his chest, bracing himself against the edge of the sink. _“There’s just… a lot on my mind. And no I don’t hate you or regret our conversation. I’m sorry for not reaching out, before.”_

Kure paused a moment, asking permission to press into Kourin. When he granted it, she readily burrowed. _“Okay. It’s okay.”_

Sage returned to shaving, even more carefully than before. _“It’s… Itsurō. I’ve been numbing all of my thoughts around dating and partnerships since him.”_

Her chuckle was dark. _“I feel like I’m at risk of doing the same with my ex.”_

 _“It’s not easy, is it?”_ he said, voice tinted with unexpected relief.

She shook her head. _“Can’t imagine how much harder it is for you, for how…”_

Kourin wrapped around Kure. _“I barely knew him, in the end. You lost a longtime friend.”_

The way she pressed into him made his heart ache. _“Don’t remind me. Even if it feels I barely knew her, in the end…”_

He had nearly finished shaving before he thought of a reply. _“Maybe we should be reminding ourselves what we lost. Otherwise we won’t have room for anything new.”_

She thought about that for a few moments. _“What did you lose?”_

He swallowed, running his hand over his skin to see if he missed any spots—the blessing and curse of a pale beard. It was hard to remove what he couldn’t see, but at least nobody would comment that he missed unless they looked extremely closely. Or he posted a photo from the wrong angle. _“The lightheartedness of dating, primarily. The fun of exploring a new dynamic with someone. Which I only realized just now.”_

She did not answer in turn, something he expected. _“So that’s… what dating is to you, primarily? Fun?”_

He had to smile at that, going over the last few hairs. _“Largely. I enjoyed the safety and comfort of my relationship with Yusei, and I was planning a future with him in the end, but for the two years we dated it was primarily just to enjoy each other and to enjoy the sensuality. While I have never been starved for touch… there is something about kissing.”_

She blushed. _“You_ are _fun to kiss.”_ Her mood sombered before he could do much more than convey warmth that she’d enjoyed the beach as much as he had. _“I… guess that’s what I lost, too. Which I should’ve seen from the start because she was always_ so _focused on a future and commitment and next steps in the relationship when… all I wanted was to_ try _and have some fun with it in the meantime. Date a girl for the sake of it, y’know?”_

He did. He tried to keep the interest at how they seemed to want the same things out of his tone. _“That is in many ways why I began dating Yusei. I wanted to see what dating a man was like. I… got lucky, I recognize.”_

Her smile was thin and pained, but still warm. _“I’m glad you did get lucky. He’s a nice guy.”_

He weighed his options for his next topic of conversation. As tempting as it was to try and sort out his orientation with her, explore if their mutual ‘only wants fun’ was a lack of romantic interest… he couldn’t bring himself to reveal that quite yet. He had just entertained the possibility an hour ago, if that. 

The other paths would be what Alexa would call pick your poison. It felt too cold to simply reassure her he was fine end the conversation, especially on such a note. And while talking about Yusei was tempting, it was too frivolous for him. Which only left one option—

 _“We’ve never spoken about what we’re looking for in a relationship, before,”_ he said softly. _“Not about compatibility, or anything about… ‘us’. Simply as individuals. What we want.”_

She didn’t immediately pull away, at least. _“We… haven’t.”_

He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling a face at the angles it stuck up at. What looked good on Rowen did _not_ look good on him. _“It doesn’t have to be right now. I know it’s getting late for you. Besides… I have my hair to contend with.”_

There was a restrained snicker in her _“Oh?”_

He grabbed his phone and took a picture of it, sending it over Messenger with the caption, ‘I let it air dry while lounging in bed.’

There was _no_ restraining her shriek of laughter. She switched to typing to not raise suspicion. ‘xD I feel like I could name five birds that your hair looks like right now, the secretary bird first on the list lol’

He snorted. ‘Dare I look at pictures.’

She had already provided one a few seconds after he hit send. ‘admittedly, your hair is not that bad. the only reason it looks not the best on you is because you haven’t combed it :P’

His laugh got caught in his throat so hard he could only let it out with a cough, before putting his hand over his mouth to not disturb the household. It was a good thing she had put her disclaimer, otherwise he’d be glaring at his phone. ‘Lol try semi-purposely ran my fingers through my hair to see what angles I could get it at. Rowen looks good freshly rolled out of bed. I do not.’

She laughed, the conversation shifting to more neutral topics as he ran a comb through his hair _properly_ to make a genuine attempt at styling it. By the time the topic of how she’d do her hair post-surgery came up—with a note to bring his bathing suit in case she needed help in the shower Kayura couldn’t provide—he’d given up and re-wet his hair to get it tame… after sending Rowen a picture of himself, over-exaggeratedly sleepy, with the caption ‘I did my best imitation of you this morning lol.’

She had chosen him to help her during surgery recovery, despite everything. Tessa was unavailable from her military commitments, and most of the others had obligations at that time of year. She could have just taken the mashou’s help, but… she had asked him. Not just for a short time to ensure that her body would heal in the best way possible and all internal mechanisms would stay functional instead of being severed. 

She’d asked for two months. The entire time that she would be weak and with limited mobility. Because while the mashou could be her hands, she wanted his company to feel at ease. And he had bought the tickets as soon as her surgery date was confirmed.

Of all the people on the planet he _wanted_ to build a future with, she was on the list.

Maybe he was silly for thinking she didn’t want to build one with him, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this scene didn't exist a month ago.
> 
> The original track for this story was going to be "romantic relationships are okay so long as they're with your dream person" and, rereading it... I (Alexa) realized that wasn't me
> 
> I'm aro
> 
> I'm romance repulsed
> 
> I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with anyone
> 
> and I don't want to perpetuate "but if it's the right person" narratives
> 
> this story has always been escapist fantasy. and it really said a lot about me that even in my fantasy, I didn't give myself what I want—a relationship with commitment, sex, and not a drop of romance. preferably with somebody aro
> 
> so... this scene happened. I'd always intended for Sage to have this realization years down the line, but the way I've always hated all romantic twists to this story, I realized it had to happen here.
> 
> enjoy an aromantic love story


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal ideation, parental abuse discussion

—A—

‘Do you want to see a poem I just finished?’ Sage asked in our private chat.

I smiled at the screen. ‘When do I not?’

He was typing for long minutes—long enough I went back to jotting down daydreams about Christmas vacation in Virginia two years from now, for how this year was already occupied in Japan. Such a long timespan _terrified_ me, especially since the adoption wasn’t exactly close to finalized for all the paperwork and name changes and so many places that needed that updated. It felt good to finally have my biological mother stripped from my family history—legally, it was like she’d never existed. 

Which made extra headaches for how to keep trying her as my mother, and holding off on the adoption had been proposed. I didn’t know what I wanted, yet.

I’d barely had a chance to think about what Sage and I talked about, that day… and the day after. And as much as I wanted to talk to my sister, or the guys, or even Rowen, just to sort out my own feelings he maybe loved me instead of his ideas of me… it was hard to gather up the courage. And I didn’t know what to _do_ with the concept we viewed dating the same way. 

Even though _Daring Greatly_ said you needed to expose your raw emotions to truly feel loved and cared for, I resisted the concept. I had been picking my way through the book, alternating between devouring it and throwing it to the side. There were so many things I had been searching for, but that meant letting go of obsessions that had been constants for most of my life.

Like how you had to believe you were worthy of love to feel it.

Or how your only true friends were the ones fighting beside you and how you shouldn’t go chasing after people who critiqued you, or gave commentary without hitting the same roadblocks you did. Like the way none of Sage’s advice had come from hypothetical best practices. How he had always shared his own experience to try and find the pieces of advice that would help me the most, all rooted in our shared experience with pain.

Sage’s message coming through made my mouth go dry for a completely different reason.

‘We live on the edge of tonight,  
Chasing tomorrows with talk to you laters  
Never quite on the same time zone  
But always within the same orbit  
A balance of silver linings  
And golden moments in the darkness  
Following roads lined with white roses  
To future hearts where no matter  
How much it hurts we will not be left behind  
And will fight our way through the sleeplessness  
To say goodbye to our demons  
And show the world even broken porcelain  
Is perfect’

The songs he’d referenced filtered through my mind as I read it over and over again.

_You keep me alive on the edge of tonight, chasing tomorrows, fire in your eyes_

_We could make forever after all. Finding the gold in our darkest moments, watching the roads turning into white roses. And we don't ever have to leave these walls, I’ll be the boy with the silver lining, you’ll be the girl with the cinderblock garden_

_We’ve got scars on our future hearts but we never look back; I don’t wanna be the one that’s left behind_

_Well I’ve been deep in this sleeplessness I don’t know why, just can’t get away from myself. When I get back on my feet I’ll blow this open wide and carry me home in good health, screaming who do you love_

_It’s alright to take time and find where you’ve been; you are perfect porcelain_

The first three came from the Future Hearts album I’d been obsessed with since it came out in April, the second from the Astoria album that had just released on Tessa’s birthday and I had been equally obsessed with, and the third came from my comfort song that had sustained me the minute I discovered Ever After in my last year at home.

You keep me alive on the edge of tonight.

We could make forever after all.

You are perfect, porcelain.

I tingled all over, like he had just kissed me, and stared at the screen. We had gotten close, in the past year. _I_ felt that way about him. I hadn’t known he felt that way _back_. ‘I… I don’t know what to say’

I’d wanted somebody to feel that way about me. I wanted to hear those songs sung back to me. I’d wanted poetry. All of these mushy romantic things that to me just showed care, and here he was giving it to me.

All of it.

The dreams I’d never even bothered to write down in the book he got me when we’d first met because they sounded too far-fetched for me to even think about putting them to paper, lest they’d depress me that they could never happen.

And it was right in front of me in white and green, custom Messenger colours making his conversation stand out to me.

‘Do you like it, at least?’

I smiled at my screen. ‘it’s beautiful’

Halo was warm in return. ‘It comes from beautiful taste in music.’

Now, I blushed, but the slight nudge in conversation had me thinking about something else. ‘is this your way of introducing the topic of talking about dating wishlists?’

‘No,’ he said after a few moments. ‘It is… realizing all I want with you is honesty about how we both feel about each other, without the expectation of it leading to anything, away from the pressures of others pushing us together. Because I realized I have been succumbing to that pressure, as well, and I wanted you to know how dear a friend you are to me. Whatever label we call what we have.’

I did not want to read into what that sounded like to me. I didn’t want to put words in his mouth, especially for how his darkness seemed to be creeping back in as November began. I didn’t want to think he was that similar to me. I kept it to the topic he’d introduced. ‘You make me feel less alone and I’m grateful for that.’

‘So do you.’ A new message broke up, ‘Would you like to see me expressing that in my own words?’

I blinked. ‘Meaning?’

Bashful was not an emotion often associated with Sage. ‘My own poetry, once I translate it from Japanese. The poem above was my first attempt at one in English, hence borrowing more than I wrote myself.’

I stared at that. ‘How many?’

The shyness was only intensifying. ‘A few.’

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Nor could I name what I was feeling. ‘Sure. Whichever one you want’ 

‘This will take some time. I’ve never translated poetry before lol’ He broke up a new message after a moment. ‘Unless you wanted to attempt reading the Japanese.”

That made me pull a face. ‘As much progress as I’ve made with the language, I don’t think I’m quite that good yet.’

He was so very gentle in his reply. ‘I can walk you through the Japanese once you’ve read the English, if you want.’

I managed a smile. ‘I’d like that.’ While I waited for him to send me that one, I navigated to my sister’s conversation. ‘So… Sage just wrote me a poem.’

Dawn perked up _heavily_ at that. ‘Ooooh…?’

I copy/pasted the poem to her, adding on, ‘He tried to write something in English first, instead of Japanese’

‘...Daaamn gurl. Rowen should take lessons.’

I flipped to Sage’s conversation. ‘Tessa says Rowen should take poetry lessons from you’

He snorted through Halo. ‘I have tried to teach him to various degrees of success’

That made me chuckle. And I knew what that actually meant, so to my sister I said, ‘Sage says he’s tried and only half succeeded’

‘-snerk- of course he has Rowen’s *only* fluent in five languages one of which is computer’

Sage read that line once I’d copy/pasted it, and I could _hear_ his deadpan teasing voice that only Rowen got. ‘His poems tend to look like he’s coding so I’d agree on what languages he’s fluent in’

I couldn’t let _that_ line rest without Rowen’s near-fiancee seeing it. With a chuckle, I sent it to her.

Dawn roared with laughter. ‘At this rate I feel like we should just move into a group chat LOL’

My smile turned strained, the original reason for copying the poem coming to mind. ‘Lol maybe… I was just. Wanting to talk to you in particular about the fact *he wrote me a poem* and before I could QUITE realize what I was feeling he asked if I wanted to see one of his poems in Japanese once he’d translated it…’ 

She paused, levity dropping. ‘How *does* that make you feel?’

I swallowed. ‘I’ve wanted somebody to write me poetry for years, and here it comes right after finding out he doesn’t want a trophy wife and just wants to date for the fun of it and here he’s written me *multiple*...’

Dawn was soft, now. ‘Are you scared he’ll be like…y’know…’ 

The trail off was all too obvious for me, for how the past nine months had held the same ghostly whispers. ‘I honestly think we’re both scared like we’ll be each other’s exes’

Now there was guilt. ‘Do you…feel pressured to be that way?’ 

I didn’t understand what the emotion and the words had to do with each other. ‘What way?’

Her typing icon popped up and down with hesitation. ‘Are the rest of us putting too much pressure on you two for you to just...enjoy things as they are?’

I was apparently still bitter about our conversation right before our tattoos, and too emotional to hide it. ‘It only took eight months of hiding and a fight for you to realize there might be too much pressure on either of us to think?’

Dawn made sure I could feel her sigh. ‘-rubs forehead- that’s...not how we meant it. I guess we just…were happy each of you seemed to have found someone whose company you could enjoy in a way the rest of us can’t offer. that you two could heal together’ A new message punctuated, ‘m’sorry…’

The pent up frustration and triggers melted with my own exhale. I hated how I worded things when angry. ‘Sorry, that came out… a lot harsher than I wanted.’ I dug deeper into the anger and discomfort, pulling out the words I’d _meant_ to say. ‘I just… been kinda realizing I’m romance repulsed on top of aromantic, so romantic relationships aren’t something I ever want, either…’

One thing I could say about my sister. Once she recognized something as a PTSD flareup, she didn’t hold it against me. ‘-hugsqueezesnugs- and Sage…?’

I flipped back to his conversation, trying to convince myself the words he’d written about not caring what we called what we had were real. To my sister, I very hesitantly typed, ‘I’m… not sure anymore, honestly…’ I paused a moment, hoping he wouldn’t hate me for sharing my interpretation of what he’d said. ‘The way he was talking after sharing the poem, he just wanted to let me know he cares for me no matter what label we call it, and he’s not dating to settle down with anyone, and… Cye hinted he was looking at relationships a lot, and he’s hinted he’s looking at relationships a lot, and. I don’t know. I hate to admit it sounds like he’s aro, but…’

‘Are you nervous?’

‘If that isn’t an understatement I don’t know what is lol’ Dark laughter instead of expressing my feelings. That needed to get reeled in. ‘he means so much to me and finding out he doesn’t care what label we have on “us” and he just wants to express that he wants me in his life as long as possible…’

Leave it to her to go right back to teasing. ‘Well… I’d say being nervous is normal, and this sounds an awful like Rowen and I a year ago… ;P’

The levity at least made me less caught up in all the emotions. ‘-siiiiiiiiiigh- knew you were going to say that… brat lol’

While she giggled at my expense, my attention was diverted from the conversation to Sage’s.

My heart stopped as I read his poem.

`The first time I felt alive again  
It was cherry blossom season  
Pink petals floating through the air  
Warmth radiating from the sun getting closer  
The cold grip of winter loosening  
And new beginnings sprouting  
From seeds left dormant

We might as well have met  
During cherry blossom season  
For your fire warms  
The frozen corners of my heart  
Chasing away Winter’s chill  
Making me brave enough to face him once more  
And realize there are new beginnings in life  
As well`

I swallowed down a lump in my throat, eyes burning. There was the confirmation how real _you keep me alive_ had been. ‘You’re going to make me cry’

Halo flooded the connection with compassion; a deep, warm affection like nothing I’d felt from him before. ‘It’s the truth. I wrote it last spring, when I graduated.’

Long-buried grief at never being well and truly cherished sprung up. I’d wanted it for so long and I could’ve had it sooner… ‘And you didn’t tell me?’

His sheepishness spoke of having sensed that. ‘I didn’t want you to feel pressured into anything, especially since your breakup was so recent. I’m… I am realizing that maybe I had my own hang ups around relationships, deeper than I thought, as well’

The full extent of the poem was beginning to hit me, but I was still too shocked over the timeline to do anything but copy/paste it to my sister and add, ‘The bastard wrote me this last spring and didn’t tell me till now.’

‘...last YEAR?? O_o’ she said, me able to hear her voice as she emphasized, ‘GUUUURL’

‘Apparently this year but. Yeah.’ I swallowed. Hard. Part of me not believing I was admitting this, but I’d been wanting to talk about this ever since it had happened, too. ‘No wonder he was okay going to the beach after Worlds…’

Again, Dawn piqued. ‘Ooooh?’

‘When you abandoned us in a ploy to get us together :P’ I said, trying to deflect the awkwardness. ‘We… started dancing, under the stars, and I told him I was sad I’d turned him down for a kiss after the All-Japan win, cause then my first kiss was with my ex. And he said that I could call it coerced and any kiss I had after would still be my first and. He offered so I accepted…’

I’d see how she reacted to that before telling her I’d initiated a second kiss after the first one.

‘...and you’re still wondering/afraid of what you two could be together?’ she responded in disbelief. ‘honestly it sounds like basically everything you’re looking for, already happening right there. no matter what you want to call it’

So she saw it, too. I rubbed my hands together, trying to calm vague shaking. Before I could respond to her, Halo’s glow subtly, cautiously pressed against Dusk. A ping from him let me take a break from the anxiety of what I wanted to say, which sounded far too much like ‘that’s exactly what I’m afraid of’.

‘Whenever you get unusually quiet in moments like this, it worries me.’

Part of me wanted to be angry at him for getting worried about me, but the rest of me knew how irrational that was. ‘I don’t know how to handle how you’re giving me everything I want right now…’ I forced myself to keep typing, keep being honest. ‘and how you want a romantic relationship but I don’t…’ I’d had to settle that. I had to know what he wanted in order to keep talking. I flipped to my sister’s conversation, wanting to stop obsessing over his conversation. ‘He wanted to talk about what we wanted in relationships, but we haven’t yet’

She responded at the same time as Sage, all hope for using her conversation as a distraction dashed. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then’

I glanced at the notification waiting in Sage’s conversation, not quite ready to face him just yet. ‘I’m scared to.’

She took a long moment to reply. ‘Do you want me to...?’

Whatever that blank was, all of it just felt wrong. ‘… no…’

She sent me a hug, Dawn nudging me towards courage—irony, considering Dusk’s virtue was exactly that—and I was able to flip to Sage’s convo.

‘I’m not sure I want a romantic relationship, anymore,’ he said in his first message. ‘I have been thinking about what I want more closely, after our conversations, and I’d like to tell you over video, if possible.’

I swallowed, mouse hovering over the call button before I finally clicked. 

He took a moment to answer, his background indicating he was sitting at his desk on his laptop. He looked tired, which… surprised me, in a way. Normally he’d wear makeup to cover it. “I hope that did not worry you.”

I shook my head. “I’m just… overwhelmed with nice things?”

His smile had fondness in his eyes. “So we have all learned.”

I shifted to lay on my stomach on the couch, arms crossed in front of me. I did not want to continue that conversation, and I still didn’t want to say what I guessed this was about. “So… relationships…”

A blush crept up his nose. “Or… a realization around them…”

Yep. Yep I knew the direction this was going. I just hoped I could hide it and let him tell me when he was ready. “Hm?”

He took a breath. “Remember…. When I spoke of Itsurō, and how he had taken the fun of relationships away from me?”

I nodded.

He looked away. “I realized the fun of dating is all I wanted, and after speaking more in depth with Cye and Rowen about what _they_ look for in relationships… I’m realizing I’m not looking for the same things as they are. But when Cye told me what you’ve told him you’re looking for, that felt more like what I desired in my life. From resisting my parents’ spousal expectations to not being completely heartbroken over Yūsei and I parting romantic ways, I… I have been realizing I might be—I _am_ aromantic.”

I stared at him, trying not to quirk a smile. “Would you hate me if I said I’d guessed based on where this conversation started?”

He laughed, tension leaving his shoulders. “You would have.”

Now my smile was more sure. “How does it feel?”

“Strange, honestly.” He leaned against his desk, looking both more and less tired. “I have spent most of my life assuming that, eventually, I would find someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that I wouldn’t run at the first sign of commitment, and that I would, for lack of a better term, ‘grow up’.”

I filled in an undertone to that. “And now you’re realizing you’re never going to in the way anyone expects.”

The faintest crack in his voice broke my heart. “How did you handle it?”

My laugh was dark. Bitter. “Other than ignoring the possibility I’ll never find anyone, constantly fighting with myself and asking if I’m just too traumatized to form romantic attachments, and wondering if my mom was right in saying I should never get married? I don’t. If you’ll find me crying over anything it’s how I doubt people will be okay with my _vehement_ refusal to ever enter in a romantic relationship, even if kissing and sex and maybe marriage for tax purposes is involved. There’s also the fact I see clients who cheat on their wives like it’s their job, and they rather literally pay for a non-committed relationship that’s nothing but fantasy and playtime. I just. Take comfort in my sister, and you guys, and the Warlords, because at least if I don’t have a significant other at least I’ll have _company_ …”

He exhaled, running his hand through his bangs. Haunted violet eyes stared out the window beside him. “I was afraid you’d say that, in many ways.”

“A friend of mine told me a word, for this societal pressure—” I quickly typed the definition into google, finding the _very_ long word without a pronunciation guide. I stumbled through it once, slowly, before being able to get it out in a way that sounded like a word. “Amatornomativity. Basically the assumption everyone wants to have one romantic significant other and get married to them.”

His thumb brushed against his lip. “Judging by how, until I met you, I had met no one else who resented romance the way I did, I would say that is accurate.”

I nodded, resting my head against my arms, kicking my feet up. “I wish I could say something comforting, but I can’t. It still hurts. It still feels weird. And I’m fighting off realizing my relationships were both doomed from the start because I’m romance repulsed and they were both super into romance and I just can’t be. And I grew up hearing that married people don’t keep their single friends around, especially once they have kids, and I’m watching Tessa and Rowen about to get married, and all the other guys getting married, and _you_ probably getting married, and here I’m the single oddball.”

Halo reached out with the sense of cupping my cheek. “If there is anyone I wish to build a future with, it’s you.”

I looked at him, adjusting my head to better do that. “You know I have to ask if you’re just saying that because we’re the only aros in the bunch and the likelihood of you finding someone else like me feels low.”

“It _is_ low,” he said fiercely. “I have never met anyone like you.”

I managed a smile at that, Dusk wrapping around Halo’s presence. “You are very special to me.”

He returned the gesture before hesitancy returned to his voice. “You… are right, in a sense, however. I do not know if I’m latching onto you because you’re providing me with the space among the others to explore my feelings. Even if I have felt this way about you for over a year, now.”

“I don’t want to rush into a relationship just because I’m scared of being alone,” I said softly. “And I don’t want you to, either.”

Halo simply pulled me closer. “I am glad for that.”

Dusk poked Halo in the chest, trying to turn the mood lighter. “Especially if we haven’t spoken about any mandatories with relationships.”

To his credit, he did laugh—even if the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “It depends on how attached you are to your last name.”

I blinked. “Wha?”

He tilted his head to the side. “Japanese law would require you to change your last name to Date. Or, more accurately, one of us would have to change our names, and I can only claim my inheritance if I keep my family lineage. And it is too important to me to give up for anyone.”

“Might as well start with the thorniest issue, I suppose…” I muttered dryly. In a way it was a relief that there was something he wouldn’t change for anyone. Backbones at least let me know there wasn’t manipulation involved. Exhaling to gather my thoughts, I continued, “I don’t even know, at this point. I’ve been talking to Tessa about name change anxiety, since for her she was always taking her husband’s last name and the law never even came up, and she keeps reassuring me that she’ll always be my sister no matter what our names are. And our names have been different most of our lives. I… mostly just want a last name I can use to tell myself I’d be taken care of.”

Sage _softened_ in a way I hadn’t quite ever seen him soften before. “I would do that regardless, Tōgei.”

I rested my cheek on my forearm, suddenly emboldened. “Wanna hear my prickliest obsession?”

He gave me a lopsided smile. “You do say turnabout is fair play.”

I grinned at that before sombering. “Never believed any of your feelings were real because they tended to come when I was at my darkest so it kinda felt like I was just coercing a confession that you made just to make me feel better.” I paused a moment before dragging a hand down my face. “Which comes _straight_ from my mom now that I say it out loud.”

Something about that made him bristle, Halo reassuring me no anger was directed at me. “I hate lying. I do it by necessity about my mental health to protect my professional reputation, but I prefer choosing omission than distorting the truth. And you know everything about my mental health, so I have no reason to lie or twist the truth with you.” He glanced away. “Everything I haven’t told you I was denying even from myself, like my lack of desire for romance.”

I looked down, trying not to squirm. “Thought that you being so invested in helping others I was just… something to keep your reputation in tact. Can’t let the depressed girl go feeling badly…”

He covered his hand with his mouth, schooling his features to not display anger I felt rising. “I’m not your mother, and I would never stake my reputation on the actions of others. Ask any of my kendo students who have not been successful in competitions I have won. I am not less of a kendoka because they lack skills I possess. The thought your mother did that _sickens_ me.”

My breath caught, quickly shuddering. I hid my face in my arms, trying not to burst into tears. Even a soft chirp from Blackie didn’t get me to move.

Halo reached out again, hand on my back. “Tōgei… I’m sor—”

I shook my head, forcing myself up to wipe my eyes and speak. “I needed that.”

He was back to soft, now, simmering anger at my mother pushed aside. “I know how much anger terrifies you.”

I barked out a laugh. “Especially when it’s you or Cye because you two _never_ get angry and I still don’t believe it was that bad…!”

He chuckled darkly. “Take our anger as proof it is. You deserve so much better than anything she ever gave you.”

I swallowed. “I wish I could hug you right now.”

“You can.”

The mad scramble flood to reach for the Warlords and poof to Japan was a blur until I was standing in his room with my face pressed into his chest and his arms around me and him stroking my back.

I clung to him.

I didn’t ever want to let go.

“I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want any commitment right now,” I murmured into his shoulder. 

He hushed me, hand tangling in my hair. “We both need time to explore ourselves, I think.”

I nodded.

Tessa’s nagging little voice telling me he was the best thing to have ever happened to me just kept playing in my head.

But for now, all I wanted was to stay here and let his light chase away the shadows of monsters lurking in the corners of my eyes. Let myself feel like I had a safety net; let his desire to keep me chase away the ever-rising anxiety that I’d lose all of the others, starting with my sister, thanks to marriage.

Let myself be cared for, emotionally, in ways only Tessa and my dad had been able to do for me in the past.

He stayed holding me for awhile, until he could feel me struggling to stand and shaking from my tears. Once both of us were sitting on the bed, his arm still around my shoulders, he murmured, “Is there anything that would make thinking about… any of _this_ easier?”

I swallowed, getting my breathing back under control. “I… really don’t know Japan that well…” A dark chuckle made breathing easier, at least. “As evident by how I didn’t even know about that law.”

He rubbed my shoulder. “We could explore it when meeting up with your sister and Rowen. Since you’re landing in Tokyo and she’s landing in Osaka.”

I nodded, managing a smile. “I’d like that…”

He pulled out his phone to do the search while still holding me, despite his computer being only a couple of feet away. “It’s a six hour drive, if we wanted to rent a car and explore on our way there. It’s three hours by train, but that wouldn’t give us much freedom. I _could_ drive my GS to Tokyo, then we could go from there, if you preferred a familiar car. It would also prevent any of your allergies from flaring at a new car’s smell.”

The number of options—both involving Sage spending _quite_ a bit of time and/or money on me—made me balk and lean away. “I did _not_ realize Osaka is that far from Tokyo.”

He softened, keeping a grip on my shoulder to let me know I didn’t have to be afraid. “It would give you something to look forward to, should your anxiety overwhelm you about the engagement. Or mine, if I’m honest with myself about my worries with Rowen.” He chuckled. “And it would keep us from being spotted in Osaka before we had to be there.”

I looked down, running my fingers through my hair. “When would you need to rent the car?”

He smirked, again. “Depends on if you want a sports car or not.”

That got me to laugh. “I think I should be asking _you_ that.”

“You look good in one.”

I had to be blushing for the amount of heat in my face. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

He shrugged, dropping the flirting… mostly. “Depending on the type of car decided, we can show up the same day, or to be safe have a week. I’d make sure there wasn’t any perfume in it, if we do rent one. But I do think you would enjoy a sports car.”

I playfully narrowed my eyes at him, digging a finger into his chest. “So long as the _hard_ top stays up because it’s going to be _December_.”

His toothy grin had my heart doing things. “I’ll be sure there’s a seat warmer for you.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see what Tessa and Rowen are up to in this same period, check out Shoot for the Stars
> 
> tw: parental abuse, cults, parental abandonment, suicidal ideation discussion

—~—

Alexa had been notably more quiet, since landing. She had murmured a nervous ‘first time flying alone’ when Ryo had asked how her flight was, which meant she had navigated the rather loud and brisk Canadian airports during the holiday rush with only instant messaging and the yoroi connection as companions. They gave her a few hours to rest at Mia’s, letting her eat before Sage tugged her out to the thankfully-quiet Tokyo streets. Still, she simply followed directions through the metro.

At least helping her through it had the same result as the guys’ confidence around him; Sage wasn’t seeing Cale in the corner of his eye. But it was odd, being the strong one. He was so _used_ to being weak—being treated as weak—in the winter, that his mind didn’t quite know what to do with this responsibility. It hadn’t even been a question of the safety involved; she trusted him.

She had done so many things to show she trusted him, and he kept kicking himself for thinking she hadn’t wanted anything to do with him for so long.

He knew both she and Cye would tell him that maybe he simply hadn’t been ready to face himself, yet. To face what he had been through. To truly process the memories and shame of his attempted assault. And, perhaps, finally face the shame around how little he desired a romantic relationship, but simply wanted a partner by his side.

To face the fact she was the person who made all of those steps feel safe to take.

They had gotten so much closer, in the past month. So much more honest. She had written him a poem in return, something he kept in his wallet. While it was still slightly difficult to understand the level of metaphor she used in English, she had walked him through every one the way he had done for his Japanese poem.

i am the kind of person who uses you when i mean i,  
trying to distance myself from feelings so overwhelming  
i cannot possibly hold them; but not naming you in this poem  
would be a disservice, for you are the hands that hold  
everything i do not know how to carry. you are the reason  
i can use i, i can stand in myself and be someone  
to someone else, to stop observing and start feeling, to  
be a human being instead of doing. you are the person  
i look to when i need to hear ‘this is what a heart looks like,  
this is what it means to care’ and 

you are the mirror i need to see myself for who i am  
pixels on a screen that remind me a beating heart  
is hopeful, and i only hope you realize  
you can borrow mine should you ever need it

She had laughed that she barely understood language so she wrote about it when she couldn’t think of anything else; something they both shared, for how speaking was such a fraught concept for him. But all he really _needed_ to understand was the very last line.

He rubbed her back while she clung to him on the subway, forced to stand because all the seats were taken and she didn’t want to risk asking when she looked able bodied. Borrowing his strength and Kourin when her body failed. He had already borrowed her heart multiple times, without telling her. 

He hadn’t wanted to face the thought she might think less of him. Now he realized she wanted him to.

She found a seat shortly after they got off at their stop, her joints still slightly out of alignment from the jerkiness of the train. If Kourin was any indication, it had more to do with anxiety than her hypermobility. Still, his yoroi worked with Kure to try and release the ever-present tension in her muscles.

He placed a hand on her shoulder, knowing another way to ease her worries. “I suppose I have been cruel by not telling you where we’re going.”

She shook her head and managed a tight smile. “I’m trying to get used to surprises!”

“You’ll have plenty later,” he said softly, trying to rein in his heart that she only thought about doing that with people she trusted with her life. “But this one is more a surprise for the others than you.”

She gave him a _very_ suspicious look.

He smirked. “I decided to get my ears pierced.”

Her eyebrows jumped up before a wave of self consciousness washed over her, her hand going to cover her left wrist. “It’s not because of me, is it?”

He fluffed her hair fondly, trying to dispel her triggers. “I’ve wanted some since Yusei got his pierced. Piercings are less taboo here than tattoos.” He bumped a finger under her chin. “But you did inspire me, in a way.”

She didn’t look up. “How…?”

At no sign of moving, he sat down beside her and slipped an arm around her waist. “You’ve been forcing me to be honest about who I am.”

She rubbed her arm self-consciously. “That… _sounds_ like a good thing…”

He squeezed her. “It is.” 

Her silence beckoned him to continue.

He tried not to shift at his still-present discomfort, the irony of the situation not escaping him. “It is an extension of… everything we have been discussing of late. What we want our relationships to look like. What we want our lives to look like. You don’t let me hide behind a facade of pretending I enjoy being proper in all aspects of my life, or lying by omission. If I want to make you feel comfortable, I have to be completely honest—which lead to me being completely honest with myself about how I wanted to look. About femininity and rebellion I’ve been trying to repress. There… is a reason, I have been so diligently learning about genders outside of the binary.”

Rowen had been _just_ as right as he knew he was, even if Sage hadn’t admitted it. Their talk in October still peeled back layer upon layer of repressed emotions; Alexa would call it opening Pandora’s box. He still hadn’t quite come to terms with what being aromantic meant, even if Rowen had laughed at finding out Sage had been waiting for a romantic relationship to grow up—pointing out he was among the most mature of the Ronin on the matter, for how he thought about his relationship prospects instead of simply following his heart off a potential cliff.

He had to admit, the thought of being with her terrified him for that reason. It had been a facade of comfort, to him, pretending he could be happy without so many visible markers of his rebellious nature. Of the blackmail Yayoi had amassed. But with everything they had discussed—her career ambitions, her soon-to-be-multiple tattoos, her fierce independence—their life together would _look_ unconventional at first glance. He wouldn’t have a wife; he would have a partner, one who refused all markers of a submission. Which meant either he would look proper in comparison, or he could shoulder some of the responsibility of the visible rebellion. 

The thought was getting easier to swallow. It still felt unsafe, but he could survive. 

He hoped a small step in that direction in _his_ appearance would help his comfort levels.

“I’m not used to my influence being a good thing,” she said, voice small.

He pulled her tighter against his side. “I was not lying when I said you are the person who made me realize I could find joy again.”

She wrung her hands. “You had other things.”

“Togei,” he said firmly, tipping her chin up with a finger so she was looking at him. “I will not allow you to downplay how much you have allowed me, Rowen, and Tessa to do. I have watched Rowen stop feeling like the only person on the planet who is the way he is to relaxing into his existence in ways having Tessa cannot account for. Your sister and my brother have found each other thanks to you. And I have rediscovered parts of myself that were killing me to hide away, all because you have shown me those parts of myself are not lesser.”

She looked away, voice turning rough with the tears visible in her eyes. “You assume I don’t see them as lesser and just don’t have a choice…”

He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “Because you realized the tyranny of living under your mother, and long ago decided you were going to at least pretend she was wrong, and act accordingly. And the more I listen to you, the more I realize how I don’t have a choice, either.”

She swallowed. “We should go before you’re late.”

He shook his head. “It’s a walk-in, not an appointment.”

She didn’t continue the previous topic, but at least she seemed to begin absorbing the concept. He’d have to repeat it, at some point, he was sure. But at least Kure wasn’t running away from him, this time. Once she was ready, they headed towards the place Yusei had gotten his done, saving Sage the trouble of researching it himself. After quickly receiving the necessary information, a needle slid into his left lobe twice and his right once.

After surgery, that had been absolutely nothing. The titanium sparkling from his studs was a more than adequate distraction, just barely distinguishable from his hair. Present, but easily explained away. All he felt ready for. 

He looked up from the chair to see Alexa watching the process curiously. 

“Would you like one?” the piercer asked—in Japanese.

He watched as she parsed out the unfamiliar language, determined to respond in kind. “Maybe?”

“Do you want me to mark it?” the piercer asked.

She frowned at trying to understand that statement, determination beginning to give way to fear. Sage reached out to take her hand, still near his from offering to hold it during his piercing. “Shall we switch to English?”

She exhaled in relief.

The piercer’s eyebrows went up, him quickly apologizing and restating the phrase in English—before complimenting her on her Japanese. Sage agreed; this was the first time he had heard her speak in Japanese with someone outside of their friends, and had it been exclusively small-talk, she likely could have continued.

Once she had finished blushing at the praise, Alexa nodded once, hesitantly, then repeating the motion more surely.

Sage got up to let her sit, Kourin already working on healing the holes in his skin around the posts in place. That momentarily distracted him, until he saw a pen press on the side of her nose, followed by _three_ in the ear closest to him.

Of course, he was one to talk, for how many he’d just gotten.

She ended up with a total of seven, three in each lobe plus the one on the side of her nose. Sage had to admit the thought of her with that many simply made her more attractive, especially the beginnings of a smirk showing on her lips as she examined the handywork.

“What do you think?”

She took her time responding to the piercer’s questions, studying herself in the mirror and picturing the end results. 

“You don’t have to decide now,” Sage said softly, in response to the rising tension in her shoulders.

That wasn’t the problem, based off how she kept eyeing the marks on her ears. “How much?”

Before the piercer could answer, Sage replied, “She can add it to my bill.” At Alexa’s wide-eyed, about-to-protest stare, he smiled. “Merry Christmas.”

After a discussion on potential metal allergies, along with potential rubbing alcohol allergies (he texted Cye the minute she said that, for his reference; they needed to convince her to see an allergist) and how she needed gold, she ended up with two piercings in each lobe— an amethyst, and a simple gold heart. She kept looking in the mirror as he paid, trying to hide her glance at the total. 

Still, she was practically skipping out the door.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they walked down the street. “Seeing you happy is enough.”

Her smile was one of the lightest he’d ever seen. “I’ve wanted to get my ears re-pierced like this for years…!”

He couldn’t help but smile back. “Why two instead of three? And if the reason is financial we’re walking right back in there.”

She cast her eyes down, blush visible beyond the pink in her face from the cold. “I wanted to see if this was too feminine for me before committing to all three. And check metal allergies before getting close to my cartilage. When you grow up hearing how a cartilage infection can mean you need reconstructive surgery, you get a little paranoid…”

“Very well.” He squeezed her softly. “You looked happy with all of them. Nose included.”

She laughed. “Getting a nose piercing with that little thought is impulsive, even for me. Maybe in a few months…after I’ve done more research on how nose piercings even work.”

They kept talking absently about fashion as they wandered the streets of Tokyo, Sage not-so-subtly steering her towards Harajuku in the process. He had wanted to show her at least one new part of Tokyo before they left towards Osaka, his RC-F parked comfortably at Mia’s for the night. When none of the guys had been able to find a rental that would guarantee a scent-free car, he’d driven his own down to avoid giving her a headache.

Her eyes sparkled at the collection of new things, her silently by his side before she got the courage to tug him towards various shops and food stalls. He told her about how it looked in different seasons, especially in the spring and fall. He hadn’t spent much of his summers in Tokyo, going back to visit his family more often than not. And he’d barely gone out in the winter.

As the darkness crept in midway through the afternoon, she asked if he wanted to start heading back. He turned her down.

She brought her lip between her teeth. “Tessa said you… that it was _rare_ for you to go out without moonlight, like you did with me.”

He swallowed. “It… is rare.”

She looked up at him. “So why did you do it?”

He met her eyes, in a way not wanting to see the confused-to-the-point-of-pain set of her mouth. “You make me feel safer at night, especially with Dusk.”

She looked away, not responding.

Again, they both knew he’d just said he loved her.

As they were heading back, his arm around her shoulders and Kourin keeping her standing, she murmured, “You make me feel safe, too.”

And again, they both knew she had just told him the same.

It was still strange to think he was entertaining the possibility of a lifelong partnership on purely platonic feelings. But he’d considered the same with Yusei. He’d, in a way, entered into the same bond with the Ronin. Any marriage would just be for visa purposes, should she want to live in Japan for more than a few months at a time.

The thrill of potentially getting what he realized he’d wanted all along made it hard to sleep that night, his grief at being so _different_ lifted every time he was with her. She made him feel good enough in ways no one else had, for how he realized— if he loved her as she was, he could love himself as he was, as well.

The next day, they set out as soon as dawn had officially broken, her napping on the drive from jet lag. He asked if she wanted to be woken up for particularly memorable sites and she’d said yes. The stormy winter ocean was first on the list, something she drank in as long as she could before a bend in the road let her fall back asleep.

He had plans of what to show her, of course. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t open to her input. But the second time he tried waking her up she’d just grumbled that “later” was her preferred time to do anything. At least, until she finally woke up naturally around noon.

She and Rowen truly did share an impressive amount of traits.

Their first stop was Shizuoka Prefecture, enjoying the views of Mount Fuji. Sage debated telling her stories about Ryo, but she seemed a little too reserved for that. He also didn’t offer an Air Defence theme park—she would much rather enjoy that with her sister, and would nearly burst at the thought of not telling her about it. Or she would fall back into her mother’s lies about what military life meant for her ability to keep her best friend. Or both. 

Considering this trip was supposed to be happy, Sage kept it to various shrines, helping her understand the gods of the region and how Buddhism and Shinto merged in Japanese culture. They left before night could fall, Sage trying to make the Akiha Fire Festival a few cities over.

 _That_ had her eyes sparkling again. Sage didn’t want to admit the fire arrows made him miss Rowen. Despite everything, they had never actually visited this festival, time this close to winter more often spent trying to convince him the light would come again.

Alexa had no such hangups. She watched the flames as Kure came alive around fire in the dark. Her immersion made it possible for him to forget about his trauma, for a moment, simply enjoying the show. Blades lit on fire cut through the all-encroaching blackness, their wielders adding beauty and flare with every graceful yet powerful gesture.

“Have you ever tried sword dancing?” she asked in the middle of the performance.

He blinked at that. “No, I’ve never thought of it.”

“You should.”

He nodded at that, going back to watching the fluid movements that looked nothing like kendo _or_ ballroom. He’d never considered expanding his repertoire of dance styles, but she had told him about her childhood spent in and out of a dance studio. He had to admit, it sounded at the very least _interesting_. Like everything he’d heard about her so far.

They finished at the festival when their strength—mostly hers—began flagging, driving to Nagoya to spend the night and part of the next day at. He made sure to reassure her she could come knock on his door at any time overnight, should she need it, or wake him up. She smiled in gratitude before going to vanish to her room, _insisting_ he not tell her where they were going because she was trying to be excited about what Japan had to offer and let go of her need for control. Despite the fact it made her so afraid.

Sage couldn’t stop smiling at his plans for the next day. If she was anything like her sister, she’d be absolutely captivated by the castle.

Over breakfast, however, he wondered if, maybe, she was captivated by him. Unlike every other time they’d eaten together, she wasn’t fixated on her food. Instead, brown eyes studied him in his early morning silence. 

“Wish you’d gotten a chance to get on the raceway?” she asked casually over her cup of green tea.

He shook his head, smile growing despite himself. It was… nice, to be invested in again. To have somebody he believed was genuinely interested in him. Especially around racing, for how people fixated on his kendo career. “No. It would’ve taken too long, and there’s so much to do in Nagoya.”

Her eyes were smiling for probably the second time since she’d landed. “Like?”

“Waited long enough?” he asked playfully. Before her early sheepishness could turn to anything that looked like shame, he said, “A castle with a museum attached.”

Her spine straightened so quickly, food dropping from her chopsticks in the process, he had to laugh. “How long do we have?”

He checked the GPS on his phone. “We have another two and a half hours of driving, and we have all of Monday to get there before nightfall.” He flipped applications to the notes he’d written about this city. “There’s also a shrine with a sacred sword, art and design museums, the _Noh_ theatre, the craftsmen of the area…”

She tilted her head to the side. “Food?”

He kept scrolling. “A few specialties. I believe you’ll enjoy tenmusu. It’s shrimp tempura onigiri.”

She nodded rather vigorously at that, continuing to munch tamagoyaki as he enjoyed miso soup. 

It was hard not to notice how much she’d changed, in a year. Her jaw was far less sharp, and he had finally lost the ability to see every tendon in her hand as she used her chopsticks. Her skin had darkened, as well, regaining its blood after so much fear had made her paper white. She hadn’t talked about suicide in _months_ , and every time he’d looked at her recently, the memories from the mirror in his teenage years were farther away. Even if her health flagged earlier in the year as her body slowly overdosed on her increased medication, and her withdrawal had been rocky, she hadn’t lost very much ground on her lowered dose.

She looked like she could maybe start to believe her life would turn out alright.

And even more beautiful now than she did when they’d met. Not because she was only beautiful when she was better. But because there was so much more of her spirit to see and appreciate, as she shed layer after layer of trauma.

Now he knew why the others felt so much pride in him. His heart absolutely swelled at how far she had come.

Just as he’d hoped, she enjoyed herself at the castle. What he hadn’t expected was her asking how accurate the translations were, trying to piece together what kanji had created the meaning. She continued that pattern as they looked over the menu for lunch, and into the afternoon as they continued a snail’s pace tour of the museums. 

While he knew she was studying Japanese, the sheer _amount_ she had already picked up on was unexpected. Perhaps it had only been the pronunciation that made her not understand the piercer. Or her own spoken vocabulary. Her reading ability seemed to be growing exponentially.

He would have to challenge her statement she was terrible at languages, next time it came up.

By dinner, it was obvious she was distracting herself from something. Her whole posture had dulled, the weight of the world settling back on her shoulders.

“Do you think they’re going to live in Japan?” she asked quietly, as they were waiting for their meals.

He glanced up at her. “I suppose, whatever answer I give, one of us will spend this dinner nursing heartache.”

She looked down, one hand finger combing her hair. “Tessa said it was an if, but…”

He offered her a hand across the table. “You seem to be doing alright maintaining your friendship with us, despite the distance.”

She didn’t take his hand. “S’just. Different.”

He used Kourin to bring her attention to her left wrist. “You’ll always have a part of each other.”

She did look down at it, the M of the Scorpio sign peeking out from her shirt sleeve. Her breath shuddered. “Michael would’ve hated this. _Will_ hate this, if he ever sees it…”

That… was new. It felt too important to brush aside, as much as she seemed to want to. “You haven’t spoken about how you feel about Michael, much. Other than expressing your hatred of him.”

She laughed softly. “In a way I’m… amazed I subconsciously picked up on all of his behaviours that were like my mom that made me think he was going to turn possessively toxic.” Her exhale spoke of continuation. “I think I’ve known about him since I was a kid…”

Sage blinked. “You what?”

“Yep…” Her shoulders bunched up in what appeared to be a shrug but was far too squirmy for one. “There was this kid who was from a founding branch of a _different_ cult who was so much more dedicated than me to _this_ cult, and my mom kept feeling a kinship with him. I chalked it up to some jealousy ploy but always made sure to be better than him just to make sure I could escape no matter what. When I saw who Tessa was in a relationship with I… _noticed_ his last name but didn’t want to believe it, I just chalked it up to paranoia. I just…”

Sage waited for her to gather her thoughts, heart aching at the tears collecting in her voice.

“He was my mom’s _backup plan_.”

A thrill of fear raced down his spine. “In what way?”

“If _I_ didn’t recruit Tessa to the cult, _he would_ .” She held her elbows, revulsion clear in Dusk. “My mom told me of a dream where she gave birth to two light children and now I’m wondering if that wasn’t Tessa and Michael and she was already starting to abandon me for him and who she thought Tessa was and she’d always used Michael as this model student worthy of his legacy like I _should_ be and no matter what I did, my mom still got Tessa…” 

He leaned forward, putting aside everything but her last statement for now. “And thanks to you, she was able to get out.”

She unwound a little, perking up a little more when she saw dinner approaching their table. She put the conversation aside to manage to eat. Nothing about that conversation had spelled hopelessness, at least.

Sage, meanwhile, stewed over it. 

This woman had had her sights on Tessa since the beginning. Rowen had dug research into the parental rights—Deborah had had full rights to know where Tessa was, every time they moved. So did Derek, but nobody dared ask if he had actually received those updates. Depending on what Deborah had spun, he might’ve been forbidden. She would have known exactly who was close to Tessa at all times, and could’ve planned accordingly.

But something else about that story _unsettled_ him. He waited until she was picking at her food—a sign she was either temporarily full or fixating on the calories to the point of an anxiety attack—before voicing it, however. “Your mother abandoned you for a boy she had never met and wished was her son?”

Alexa sighed. “I was trying to avoid putting it that way… but yes.”

Sympathy swamped him. “From how young?”

She shrugged. “Twelve, fourteen? It’s a blur, really… I’d already mentally left, so it kinda made sense she was looking for the perfect child.” Again, her breathing spoke of a continuation she was struggling to get out. “For awhile, I really didn’t have many if any friends. And I hadn’t mentally left enough, so I—I thought that maybe this kid could be a friend, like a brother I never had, but my mom made a point to tell me _how behind_ my cult education was in comparison to these other kids, to him, so I’d never be able to keep up and they wouldn’t want to include me for all of those reasons. So I was kept away from them and put on more challenging material they wouldn’t get till their 20s because maybe I was just bored since I knew so much ‘intuitively’ but then I never really took to those lessons either and…” She scrunched her eyes shut, moisture escaping her lashes. “He already replaced me with my mom and he nearly replaced me with Tessa.”

She wasn’t going to cry about this in public, and Sage knew she needed to drain this wound. He caught the waitress’ attention and asked for the remainder of their meals to go, and the cheque.

Once they had put the leftovers in the car, he quickly drove some place more secluded and gestured for her to climb into the back. He met her there, having long ago lost the ability to switch from back to front of the car from inside the vehicle.

As soon as she could curl up against him, she began _bawling_. “He nearly replaced me and now Rowen’s going to replace me.”

He shook his head and smoothed a hand over her hair. “He won’t. Promise. If he does I’ll hold him myself so you can slap him.”

She didn’t laugh at that. Instead, somehow, she cried _harder_ . “He’s smarter than me and more athletic than me and less traumatized than me and less dramatic than me and he’s got more education and he’s going to make more and take better care of her and always be better than me and why would she keep _two_?”

His answer was quick on his tongue. “The same reason I would. We love you both.”

“ _Why_?”

He pressed his lips to her forehead. “I fell in love with your spirit. Your fierce protectiveness. Your ability to keep fighting even in the darkest of nights. The generosity of your spirit, especially towards those in pain. The care you had for children in the compound, ensuring the most vulnerable of them had a lifeline. And I fell deeper in love when we planned to help Tessa and Rowen get together, then deeper still as we stole snatches of learning how to dance together. Watching you begin to recover from your employment, begin to reach your potential, has made me the happiest I have felt since watching Rowen do the same.” He pulled back to cup her jaw. “You are far too beautiful a soul to be replaced by somebody similar to you, because in the end, nobody is.”

She wrapped her arms around his chest, melting into his body and shivering. _Shuddering_. “Tessa keeps telling me that but I didn’t believe it was _true_ …”

He tangled his fingers in her wind-tousled hair. “In our eyes it is.”

It took her awhile to feel comfortable pulling back. She soaked up the affection, attention, and the touch that communicated he wasn’t about to leave her. Sage continued stroking her back, gently massaging her shoulders and neck from his current position. 

It was long enough for Sage to think of something. As she pulled away and rubbed her eyes, he maintained looking at her.

“You can live with me part time,” he said softly, hands on her shoulders. “Stay here for three months, return home, come back. Come between contracts, or work on your courses here. We have the space. I’m about to get either the guest house or the main house to myself, so I decide what to do with it. And if living here makes you feel more at ease with where your sister lives, I will gladly open my home to you.”

Her eyes went wide as saucers. “Wha— _What_?”

He nodded. “You wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. Tickets, food, travel—all yours.”

Her eyes welled with tears and she collapsed into him again, this time Kure bounding with joy.

“I guess this answers my question over whether the ‘you keep me alive on the edge of tonight’ reference was intentional, or… true…’ she murmured into his chest. “I mean I’d guessed but…”

He stroked her spine. “Not as much as it used to be. But… talking to you is one of the lights of my day, no matter how dark the clouds.”

He didn’t know if she nodded or nuzzled into him. “Kinda… the same…”

When the silence was about to become awkward, he pulled back and smiled down at her. “Want to go find a park to finish dinner?”

She managed to return the smile and nodded, climbing into the front seat while he walked to the driver’s side.

As he buckled in, she called his name.

Turning his head had her lips meet his, his eyes closing on reflex as she brought her hand to his jaw. Kure’s fire burned under her touch, leaving him warm and breathless even after she pulled away.

“I wanted to thank you,” she said, cheeks pink as she looked down at the floor. “And that felt like the only thing that was enough.”

He only realized he was smiling when he went to talk and found his lips unwilling to cooperate. After distracting himself with changing gears, he finally managed to say, “It’s nothing.”

For the first time, he allowed himself the faintest hope they wouldn’t have to say goodbye again after a visit, one day.


End file.
